In a few hours I will make the trip to the spot I have picked out, far away from everyone, where I will lay down for the long rest. I am making sure the notes are perfect and that they will be delivered to their respective parties.
Part of me can't believe this is happening. Just a short 2 years ago I felt like I had the world in the palm of my hand, until the rug was pulled from right under my feet. My brain is working overtime to find some way out, to convince me that it's not that bad, that people don't think of me the way they do. But I know better. That exact line of thinking got me here in the first place. I've had a very long time to think about this, and it's not my first rodeo with ctb thoughts, not by a longshot. Something tells me it's time. Try as I might, I can't picture a future worth living. The things keeping me glued to this plane of existence are superficial conjurations of my psyche, not anything that gives me real purpose or satisfaction in life.
There's a great many things I never got to do, and never will, whether I ctb or not. My life was a short and sad one, spent slipping through the cracks of society and never quite finding stability. Not in my environment or my own mind. A lifetime of alienation, soon coming to an end. My hope is that this will be the beginning of something new, something better, but there is no way to know. All I know is that I'm tired. So, so tired. Though my survival instincts are railing against me, I've spent my entire life keeping such internal feelings on mute. I'm too numbed for them to move me beyond a twinge of trepidation. Perhaps that will change as I am staring down the barrel, but I doubt it. It's the pain that I will cause others that causes me to falter. The others that put me in this spot, the others I hold no strong feelings towards in actuality, the others that don't accept the real me, the others that will have trouble bearing with the loss of the me that I have constructed for them, the others that could have so easily saved me.
I am no fool, dear reader. I hope these words convey the fact that I really tried. The odds were simply stacked against me, the wait too long, the pain too great. Everyone loved me because they could see the potential and got frustrated when I flew so far below their expectations, yet never bothered to sit down and ask "What's wrong?". It was always me, I was always the problem, I didn't try hard enough they said. "Just stop being like that". They never even stopped to consider that I didn't ever get to be wholly human. I spent my days thinking, when will it be my turn? To simply be, the way most others have no trouble being? To be comfortable and confident in my own body? To love? To be loved? I was severed from these concepts completely and utterly. When I tried to radically reconnect with them as an act of survival, I was shot down with haste. I was looked at the way one looks at a leper. So I slunk back into the shell I tried to abandon because it was suffocating me. I had no choice but to bear it again, and bear it I did, until now.
I have such a vast breadth of experiences, thoughts and feelings I could share, dear reader, but any time I did in real life they were ridiculed, minimized and discarded. I cannot share anything even remotely personal without my whole body visibly shaking. This emotional stuntedness came back to haunt me at the worst moments. I am not this erudite and articulate in person for this very reason. How much more was I supposed to bear? How much longer did I have to be alone? I feel as if I was born without appendages, and whenever I tried to grow them they would be seen as a fault and chopped off again and again. A normal life is not possible for me, but I always knew that. I didn't want a normal life, but an acceptable alternative was kept out of my reach.
And here we are in the present moment. Originally, I was going to ctb 2 years ago as I had promised to myself many years before that. Instead I took the hard route and discovered a truly beautiful part of myself. A way to make myself whole. No one else saw what I saw, they just saw another flaw to stamp out, and I was a fool to think it would be different this time. I should have risked everything to protect what I found but instead exposed it to a hostile world. I have no one but myself to blame in the end. Though causing pain is not my goal, I do hope a few people reflect on their actions after today. This was entirely preventable.
So this is goodbye, an unfortunate but perhaps fitting end. I still have some things to get in order before I depart, so I will silently monitor this thread for a while. If I do not post by end of day, then I've succeeded. Take care you beautiful people, I hope you all find what you are looking for.
Part of me can't believe this is happening. Just a short 2 years ago I felt like I had the world in the palm of my hand, until the rug was pulled from right under my feet. My brain is working overtime to find some way out, to convince me that it's not that bad, that people don't think of me the way they do. But I know better. That exact line of thinking got me here in the first place. I've had a very long time to think about this, and it's not my first rodeo with ctb thoughts, not by a longshot. Something tells me it's time. Try as I might, I can't picture a future worth living. The things keeping me glued to this plane of existence are superficial conjurations of my psyche, not anything that gives me real purpose or satisfaction in life.
There's a great many things I never got to do, and never will, whether I ctb or not. My life was a short and sad one, spent slipping through the cracks of society and never quite finding stability. Not in my environment or my own mind. A lifetime of alienation, soon coming to an end. My hope is that this will be the beginning of something new, something better, but there is no way to know. All I know is that I'm tired. So, so tired. Though my survival instincts are railing against me, I've spent my entire life keeping such internal feelings on mute. I'm too numbed for them to move me beyond a twinge of trepidation. Perhaps that will change as I am staring down the barrel, but I doubt it. It's the pain that I will cause others that causes me to falter. The others that put me in this spot, the others I hold no strong feelings towards in actuality, the others that don't accept the real me, the others that will have trouble bearing with the loss of the me that I have constructed for them, the others that could have so easily saved me.
I am no fool, dear reader. I hope these words convey the fact that I really tried. The odds were simply stacked against me, the wait too long, the pain too great. Everyone loved me because they could see the potential and got frustrated when I flew so far below their expectations, yet never bothered to sit down and ask "What's wrong?". It was always me, I was always the problem, I didn't try hard enough they said. "Just stop being like that". They never even stopped to consider that I didn't ever get to be wholly human. I spent my days thinking, when will it be my turn? To simply be, the way most others have no trouble being? To be comfortable and confident in my own body? To love? To be loved? I was severed from these concepts completely and utterly. When I tried to radically reconnect with them as an act of survival, I was shot down with haste. I was looked at the way one looks at a leper. So I slunk back into the shell I tried to abandon because it was suffocating me. I had no choice but to bear it again, and bear it I did, until now.
I have such a vast breadth of experiences, thoughts and feelings I could share, dear reader, but any time I did in real life they were ridiculed, minimized and discarded. I cannot share anything even remotely personal without my whole body visibly shaking. This emotional stuntedness came back to haunt me at the worst moments. I am not this erudite and articulate in person for this very reason. How much more was I supposed to bear? How much longer did I have to be alone? I feel as if I was born without appendages, and whenever I tried to grow them they would be seen as a fault and chopped off again and again. A normal life is not possible for me, but I always knew that. I didn't want a normal life, but an acceptable alternative was kept out of my reach.
And here we are in the present moment. Originally, I was going to ctb 2 years ago as I had promised to myself many years before that. Instead I took the hard route and discovered a truly beautiful part of myself. A way to make myself whole. No one else saw what I saw, they just saw another flaw to stamp out, and I was a fool to think it would be different this time. I should have risked everything to protect what I found but instead exposed it to a hostile world. I have no one but myself to blame in the end. Though causing pain is not my goal, I do hope a few people reflect on their actions after today. This was entirely preventable.
So this is goodbye, an unfortunate but perhaps fitting end. I still have some things to get in order before I depart, so I will silently monitor this thread for a while. If I do not post by end of day, then I've succeeded. Take care you beautiful people, I hope you all find what you are looking for.
