Venting The harsh realization that my parents are the only two people who will ever love me, and they don't even love me that much...

[ConfusedHurting2632]

Due to my several mental illnesses that make day to day life impossible to deal with and inhibit me from ever making any true connections to people, I came to this harsh realization.

Even when it SEEMS like I've found a good friend group it's all ruined when I have my first psychotic manic episode breakdown. Even for friend groups I've had for literal years they all left me one day to the next day when I had a psychotic episode in front of them. Even when I told them of my mental issues and all, they just didn't care.

And for the record, I've been taking many, many medications, and have been seeing many, many therapists and psychiatrists, and have been to the mental hospital many, many times. But even after all this I've improved EXACTLY ZERO. With or without treatment my mental illnesses just don't improve.

For my parents, they think I'm a piece of shit, and they're partially convinced I'm faking all my mental illnesses for attention and to avoid life responsibilities, even after literally getting several diagnoses from doctors, but "at least I'm THEIR piece of shit," so they say. They say that "even though they hate me as a person they still love me for being their son, as family is the most important, and I'm their only son after all."

They do admit though that if I wasn't their son and was just another person unrelated to them they would pray for me to go to jail for life and get raped and tortured by the other inmates. They also do admit that if my psychotic episodes got even more severe they'd send me to the mental hospital to stay permanently for the rest of my life, or kick me off into the streets to be homeless. They wouldn't want me to be tortured in jail, but would just like me to "stay the fuck away from them."

That may sound pretty bad, and it kind of is, BUT they do provide me with all my biological needs (food, water, shelter, etc) and MOSTLY just let me do whatever I want as long as I'm not breaking stuff or threatening to kill people like I do when psychotic. They're also paying for my therapy and medications and shit even though they don't work. And they're paying for my physical health stuff too, like my dental problems from me being too depressed to do hygiene stuff like brush my teeth or shower. Had two teeth removed already, and many, many fillings. Was all extremely expensive. They also don't care if I just sleep 24/7. Which I often like to do as I like to escape the real world through sleep. And I can also just watch movies and TV shows, listen to music, play video games, watch anime, etc all day long. My mom in particular also makes great food and desserts, no lie. And my dad can literally fix anything and everything that gets broken.

Even though they hate me as a person, NO ONE else has helped me that much. None of my so called "friends" or acquaintances, none of my teachers, none of my therapists, etc.

But yeah, um...all of this I've been talking about is one of the many reasons I plan to kill myself one day, if I'm ever able to bring myself to do it and don't chicken out at the last second. If I'm "lucky" maybe some robber or gangster will just put a bullet in my head or a large heavy truck will run me over or an asteroid will fall on me or some shit. That way it'll probably happen so fast I don't even have time to think about it or to chicken out.

No one really gives a shit about me, and the two people who do give a shit fucking hate my ass and resent me a lot. At least I'm lucky to be their son, so they look past their hatred of me, I guess.

TL;DR The title, really. Every and any "friend" I ever had in my life left me after I had a psychotic manic episode out of my control. And my parents do hate me as a person, but they still ultimately love me for being their son. They resent me a heck of a lot but at least they're always there for me. Still overall though, another reason to kill myself. The only two people who "love" me still hate me.

 

[okuhvtuji]

Put a laugh emoji bc I found this relatable and honest and I think you are genuinely sorta nice. People generally don't want to deal with difficult/uncomfortable stuff. I mean, you know these cases where kids spend years malnourished and abused, everyone sees but no neighbours calls child protection services nor the police. People mostly suck but some are eventually nice and caring. I think you have a somewhat good relationship with your parents (?) those things they said are awful, but I have a self-centred mother who passes my trauma as if it's hers (she's good tho) and I find it insufferable. I mean I don't know, I can see you recognise their support and are thankful for the little you have.
To me love is more about the thought that a random stranger could do something nice for me or be patient or whatever.

Get a pet, maybe (?) unless you risk harming them.

 

[ConfusedHurting2632]

Put a laugh emoji bc I found this relatable and honest and I think you are genuinely sorta nice. People generally don't want to deal with difficult/uncomfortable stuff. I mean, you know these cases where kids spend years malnourished and abused, everyone sees but no neighbours calls child protection services nor the police. People mostly suck but some are eventually nice and caring. I think you have a somewhat good relationship with your parents (?) those things they said are awful, but I have a self-centred mother who passes my trauma as if it's hers (she's good tho) and I find it insufferable. I mean I don't know, I can see you recognise their support and are thankful for the little you have.
To me love is more about the thought that a random stranger could do something nice for me or be patient or whatever.

Get a pet, maybe (?) unless you risk harming them.

Understandable about the laugh emoji, haha. And thanks for calling me nice! You seem nice too! I don't know if I'd consider my own self particularly nice, but what can I say, everyone has bad qualities and good qualities! I mostly seem to do exclusively bad things, though to be fair the vast majority of those things were due to the psychotic manic episodes. Otherwise I'd just usually keep to myself, shyly. Yeah, most people avoid anything difficult or uncomfortable. Understandable to a certain extent, but then those same people complain about depression and suicide rates going up, and about how many people are so traumatized. They aren't willing to lift a finger for those children being abused, and yet complain when those same children become adults with several severe mental illnesses. And yeah, nice and caring people are EXTREMELY hard to find, not sure if I've ever seen one offline or online, or even on TV, but then again, never say never. Things usually aren't 100%/0%. Often not 50%/50% but at least 99.99%/0%.

As for my relationship with my parents...I don't know what I'd call it exactly, but I guess I'd call it a 50%/50% hate and love relationship. We usually don't get along at all but at least they're there and provide for me and shit. And your relationship with your mother sounds about just as complicated as my relationship with my own parents, lol. Hate people who pass your trauma as if it's theres, though, just in general. But yeah. At least they haven't kicked me out on the street or anything (yet...?) and never physically beat me as a child or anything. Their support is all I have, literally, as I'm not even remotely stable to live on my own, and my therapists and all have said it's extremely unlikely I ever will be.

I often struggle to do even the most basic things like wipe my ass (sorry if TMI) or tie my shoes. Much less shower or brush my teeth. I'm relatively good at writing and expressing myself as you can probably tell, but that's literally the exact ONE thing I'm good at. In real life though I can barely even speak most of the time...not necessarily due to me being mute or anything, like I can make noises, but I often struggle to turn those noises into words. My handwriting is also garbage looking and super slow, and I often just end up making holes through the paper by accent, so typing/digital writing like this is all I'm good at. My therapists and psychiatrists as well as brain scans also told me I have the brain of a 12 year old despite currently being 23, and that my brain will most likely never develop past that point, like it or not. When I was actually 12 years old my brain was that more of a 5 year old despite being 12. They do also say it's not impossible for me to thrive in my own way, though, even if I'm unable to meet the same goals as regular people. They do say though that in the very off chance my brain does develop some more, I'll only ever have the maturity of an actual late teen/early 20s adult at something like age 60 or 70, where I'd already be elderly anyway.

And yeah, it would be nice if a random stranger could do something nice for us or be patient. That's true love. As for the thing about pets, my parents actually own 3 pets currently, used to own more in the past. 3 cats specifically. As for my relationship with animals and how I feel about them...I'm indifferent about animals in general overall. Don't hate them, don't love them. I like humans and animals about the same, really, because as cruel as humans are animals are often irrational and kill just to survive and defend their territory. Other humans can probably help me more though, as obviously animals can never take care of me. Thankfully my parents keep the cats safe, though in the past when having psychotic episodes I definitely DID try to hurt them, though thankfully I didn't get too far before being sent back to the mental hospital. All I really did was put a cat outside of the apartment/house, about 2 or 3 times, but thankfully they didn't get far anyway and my parents found them. Another time when I was angry and violent and breaking stuff and making death threats to people, I thought of throwing one of the cats into the swimming pool, just because I was delusional and felt like being cruel for the sake of being cruel, but once the cat just looked at me and ran away because they noticed my whole vibe was off, for a brief second even when psychotic and manic I felt sick to my stomach at even the thought of doing that to an innocent animal. I'm lucky it was one of the younger faster cats rather than the slower older cats, since that way they were able to get away quickly and safely. Maybe I targeted the younger faster cat because in reality I didn't actually wanna hurt the cat for real, so I targeted a cat I knew would run away fast? Either way, since they're my parent's cats it's more under control, but if I lived on my own I'd definitely NEVER have pets, as I'd fear neglecting them or hurting them. Same reason I will NEVER, NEVER have children either. Though thankfully I will never live on my own and will never have a romantic/sexual relationship, as thouse 2 things would be way too much for me and all my mental illnesses and limitations.

TL;DR Wow that was a LONG ass response on my part, I'm so sorry, lol. BUT glad you can relate to me and I'm not alone! As for pets, nah, as I'm not too fond of animals either. I hate humans and animals the same, lol.