The H Word

[KafkaF]

Was talking online somewhere else about how I'm feeling. Hinted at the fact that I'm considering ending things. And it just reminds me of something that I'm sure you're all familiar with. This constant insistence on pushing for "hope" and "change."

Look, I get it. I do. If I were them I would probably also want to talk me out of ending things. But I wish people would realize that talking in this way is not at all helpful.

Telling me how "things can change" means nothing anymore. Maybe to a teenager going through their first depression it can mean something. But I've been dealing with depression and being suicidal on and off for over a decade now. I've heard people talk about how "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem" a million times before. But all that kind of talk does to me is make me wonder: When can I finally say that it isn't "just a temporary problem?"

I've already suffered for over 10 years. Do I need to suffer 20? 30? 40? Do I need to suffer the rest of my life just so I can finally be justified in saying that maybe the problem isn't so temporary and my life just sucks?

I get that people are trying to help but it gets under my skin. And it's just so absolutely meaningless to me after 10 years.

And then there's the people who talk about "you have agency" and "you can change things" and all that stuff.

First of all, I barely have the energy to get out of bed in the morning anymore. To suggest that I have the energy to change my entire life in a way that I couldn't even manage when I COULD get out of bed every morning is certainly something. It's just delusional.

Secondly, how exactly am I going to do that? It's easy to say in some abstract way, but how exactly am I going to make my life suddenly okay again? Because unless you can tell me the steps that I can actually take which will ACTUALLY make a difference, that's meaningless too. Because I have no idea what they are anymore.

I've been "not giving up" and "living on hope" and "trying to change things for the better" for over 10 years. I've fought hard. I've tried a lot. It hasn't worked. Not sure how I would fix anything anymore.

Oh, and let's not forget to mention the "suicide hotline" people.

Seriously, I've been through 6 suicidal depressions and been about 5 seconds away from killing myself numerous times over a period of 10 years. You really think I wasn't aware that the suicide hotline exists?

It just... it really frustrates me.

Again, I know these people are trying to help. And I appreciate the thought. It's good to be kind to strangers. But I just wish they would realize that this kind of stuff just isn't helpful. It's just freaking annoying and serves only to piss me off.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Your thought process seems completely rational to me. I am in my 50s and have suffered since childhood. Does it get better, sometimes. Does it get worse, always. Each valley is deeper than any peak. It took me until now to finally consider active suicide as a solution. I was passively suicidal for a long time. I put myself in the craziest situations, to no avail. I never planned on living past 30, but here I am. Was it worth it. Nope.

 

[AerialBoundaries]

There is no cure for long term depression. It's treatment resistant and often worsens as time goes by.

You're left with a choice to either accept it and push forward, knowing it'll be a miserable existence, or you can end that existence. Every individual should have that choice, though and not be guilted into living a life of pain.

I think you can be there for someone who is struggling, lend an ear and let them vent, but giving people false hope is very dangerous. Telling them "things will get better" when there's absolutely no guarantee that they will, isn't wise. People take these words literally, especially when you're younger and experiencing depression for the first time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot stand those people and their toxic positivity, it's just insensitive. I'd personally see it as better to just stay quiet in the first place.

 

[Forever Sleep]

"things can change"

Yes- they can get worse! I'd be tempted to say that back to them... They don't seem to consider that though. I think many people CTB in order to prevent things getting worse!

But yeah- I agree. It's a throw away phrase- 'Things will get better'. Will they? How exactly? What steps do you recommend? Most people are at this stage because they've tried multiple things that haven't worked. Then I suppose it becomes a case of- 'You need to learn to be realistic and satisfied with less' maybe- no matter how much less that is presumably. How else can we survive? Change things for the better or, accept that we can't change them and accept them as they are.

 

[dreamingofrest]

I'm also at around the decade mark now, and have had plenty of highs and lows the last 10 years. Currently at the lowest low I can remember and one of my fears is that things won't get better, or if they do it won't last.

 

[KafkaF]

I'm also at around the decade mark now, and have had plenty of highs and lows the last 10 years. Currently at the lowest low I can remember and one of my fears is that things won't get better, or if they do it won't last.

Yeah, same here. I've also had highs and lows (although the lows far outnumber the highs in my case, at least) and am currently at my lowest low yet. Which is saying something when you've been suicidally depressed as much as I have.

I don't know if things will get better for you. Unlike the people I was talking about, I can't promise you anything. But I can hope they do. So I'll say that, I hope they get better for you.

Yes- they can get worse! I'd be tempted to say that back to them... They don't seem to consider that though. I think many people CTB in order to prevent things getting worse!

But yeah- I agree. It's a throw away phrase- 'Things will get better'. Will they? How exactly? What steps do you recommend? Most people are at this stage because they've tried multiple things that haven't worked. Then I suppose it becomes a case of- 'You need to learn to be realistic and satisfied with less' maybe- no matter how much less that is presumably. How else can we survive? Change things for the better or, accept that we can't change them and accept them as they are.

For me the thing is just...

Look, I understand that things "could get better." I'm not saying that it is 100% for sure impossible that things in my life might improve and I may be super happy some day and very glad that I didn't end things. That's theoretically possible and I don't need people to remind me of that in the first place. I'm already aware of it.

However, what they don't appear to be aware of is that I'm already taking that possibility into account when I'm considering CTB.

At the end of the day, none of us know what will happen in the future. Crazy random stuff does happen. However, I can sit down and look at my life so far (especially the last 10 years), I can look at my current circumstances and I can deduce the options I have and the likelihood of how things will turn out.

And the fact of the matter I've been heavily depressed on and off for over 10 years, which suggests this isn't just some random temporary bout of depression. It goes deeper than that. On top of that, I am unemployed and have no diploma. My anxiety has proven extremely resistant to treatment (it improved but eventually hit a roadblock) and so I can't go back to school to get a diploma. On top of that, I'm getting older and still don't have money or a house or anything like that. I am single and am both socially isolated and very much question how physically attractive I am (I have BDD so I'm not sure whether I'm genuinely ugly or good-looking and I just think I am, but let's put that aside). I miss my previous girlfriend so much it tears me apart and as far as I can tell she was basically the perfect woman for me. I experienced childhood emotional abuse which completely fucked me up and the consequences of which have never gone away.

I've had therapy for 10 years and I've taken antidepressants before. The therapy worked but only up to a point (and I can't afford more than 1 session every 2 weeks, so not nearly enough in my situation). The antidepressants did absolutely nothing positive for me.

These days I'm so depressed that I can barely get out of my bed or get through the day without crying. Let alone fight my social anxiety, get a job or go back to college or find a new girlfriend.

I know all of this stuff. And I think if you look at my situation completely dispassionately and objectively, you can tell that I'm in a pretty bad situation. And that recovery is just simply unlikely.

So, yes, they are right that "it could all get better." Theoretically it could and I can't tell the future. But while I'm not an oracle I CAN look at my current situation and decide what my odds are. And my odds for things getting better just simply don't look good.

And at a certain point the slim odds of things getting better just aren't worth the constant pain of existing anymore.