The guilt of leaving people

[unknownsoul]

I'm about to turn 27 and have been severely depressed/suicidal since around the age of 17. I feel this is something I have contemplated from a fairly young age.

I have two amazing nieces who I love more than anything, I have tried everything to "fix" myself and each time I have been told (mainly by my therapist) to think of my nieces as reasons to stay whenever I am on the edge.

I guess me rambling is essentially to ask, if you are planning to ctb but have guilt doing that to some of the people you love, how do you cope?

I have tried to sort myself out for the sake of the girls but I just can't go on any longer, the thought of putting them through losing me breaks my heart. I know once I'm gone I don't have to deal with it, but putting them through it fills me with dread.

Any tips would be appreciated

 

[KillingPain267]

Yeah, this is some of the hardest to overcome after SI. For me, I am slowly becoming callgoused. The pain is simply more intense than the feeling of guilt from leaving someone behind.

 

[rozeske]

No tip from me but I am avoiding them all together...I found it to be better for my mentality until I make the decision for myself. Otherwise I'm afraid i might just go completely crazy. It still doesn't fully take away the guilt though.

 

[ForWhatPurpose]

It be that way... not really sure if I cope as much as I just can't avoid the guilt.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I'm about to turn 27 and have been severely depressed/suicidal since around the age of 17. I feel this is something I have contemplated from a fairly young age.

I have two amazing nieces who I love more than anything, I have tried everything to "fix" myself and each time I have been told (mainly by my therapist) to think of my nieces as reasons to stay whenever I am on the edge.

I guess me rambling is essentially to ask, if you are planning to ctb but have guilt doing that to some of the people you love, how do you cope?

I have tried to sort myself out for the sake of the girls but I just can't go on any longer, the thought of putting them through losing me breaks my heart. I know once I'm gone I don't have to deal with it, but putting them through it fills me with dread.

Any tips would be appreciated

I feel the same about one of my brothers who was subjected to the same violence and mental abuse by our parents that I was. He has mental health problems like me, mostly anxiety, even though he's on meds and seeing a psychologist weekly. I'm scared that if I go it would finish him. But when I start to spiral and get impulsive, that goes out of my mind, I don't thnk of him at all, which shames me but I'm in such mental pain sometimes with no hope, that it's inevitable it'll happen. I'll just have to leave a goodbye letter that somehow explains to him in a way that may help him. But I don't know how. It adds to my shame, self-hatred and lack of hope.

 

[lost_ange2211]

It's difficult. But from my experience you will get to the point where you just don't care anymore. I have a supporting friend and my sister is also the best but their love just doesn't feel enough anymore to keep me going. Besides that I came to the conclusion that living for another person is wrong, it's your life, your choice.

Death is just a part of our lives, eventually all of us have to die. When or how is either up to random events or we take it in our own hand. The result itself is the same, we are no longer there and maybe some people will grief about loosing us. Of course people always go over the reasons but as long as you can live or die with your reasoning that's enough.

Maybe write a letter for them, explaining how you love them and that your ctb plans don't have anything to do with them and that you know it's a bad way to go down but that you found your personal end and just couldn't keep going - or something like that or whatever you like.

 

[Hotsackage]

Moment at a time, I have one to, she's going through crap herself(gotta love genetics), but if you get wound up go out for a walk, listen to music. Neway wish you well

 

[melonrazor]

I also need advice for this, I feel so shitty…

 

[lollblanca]

I haven't figured this out yet, but I try to prioritize myself as much as possible. Life is just too long, painful, and hopeless to keep going for the sake of others, even those I care about. It depends, but in my case, I also feel sorry for my family having to endure my struggles for longer if I don't find a way out, especially since they are and will be some of the closest people to me. It would definitely be best for everyone if we could find a way to improve this situation, not by catching the bus, but for me, it's impossible.

 

[RemainingDubious]

I'm about to turn 27 and have been severely depressed/suicidal since around the age of 17. I feel this is something I have contemplated from a fairly young age.

i'm now in my mid 30's and have been severely depressed/suicidal since about 13.

I have tried everything to "fix" myself

i've tried everything and i realized i'm the problem.

i've wasted decades existing miserably for the sake of others. There were some times that things were better than i could have imagined, however i can't confidently say they were worth all the pain. The memories of better days forever gone haunt me continuously.

i want to ctb asap, but don't want to hurt the family i leave behind as they still struggle with the absence of other family members who ctb. i'm really struggling to write my goodbyes and trying to leave them some comfort.

 

[bobby9038]

I've been contemplating ctb for sometime death doesn't worry me. I almost died 15 years ago and it was literally like switching off a light bulb. One minute it was Saturday afternoon the next it was Monday morning

What's pushing me over the edge is that at the age of 62 I'm breaking up with my girlfriend because she doesn't want to just be house mates

She's going to move into a crap flat because that's all she can afford I get the great house.

Part of me thinks if I ctb she'll inherit loads and keeps the place she really likes and gets to play the widow. I think she'll be better off without me

My parents died a couple of years ago so I don't have to worry about them. I will leave a brother behind though which I feel sad about

 

[kyhoti]

Clearly, by the previous posts, you're not alone. That is significant, because being alone in a painful situation sucks flaming donkey balls. I don't have any answers either, as I'm in the same spot.

I'm debating leaving some kind of note or journal, because it feels like emotional terrorism; people WILL hurt after I go, whether by nature or by my own hand. A written record would be a personal "memento mori", forcing memories on those injured survivors. But NOT leaving something, some reason why, would be just as bad.

Best of luck navigating with the rest of us. We're in this shit-boat together.

Of course, if I go "naturally", that's just a sad, inevitable piece of being a mortal human.

 

[leaftomb]

that's honestly something i can't figure out. i feel terrible thinking about the fact i'll leave my parents alone with no child. it's the main reason i am still here today, and i keep delaying my date. i feel pretty okay with leaving life behind, but i'm scared of how it might ruin their lives, too. i don't know if there's really a way to escape it. maybe it's a good thing it keeps us alive, at least for a little longer, i guess