The girl who’s too much

[Water-Lily]

Sometimes, after you've lived a long enough life and a good amount of traumatic experiences, you realize people reject those who are "too much"

What do I mean by that? Well…

Your emotions are explosive

Maybe you're trying to communicate how you feel but you end up making it a trauma dump about yourself

In that you spiral and split on the people around you

One day they're awesome friends. The next, they're mean assholes who deserve to die

….that last part was probably a bit too much but you know

Sometimes you're too much

Anyways, people think your reactions to things aren't rational

I mean, they're not wrong

It's silly to feel suicidal after receiving a new diagnosis

It's not normal to want to die after failing an exam

Things normal minded people might respond to well but you can't cause

You're just too much

So you say to yourself "ok that's it! I'm gonna work on myself! I'm gonna go to therapy, take my meds, and kick ass!"

And you do it. Hell, you commit to it so fucking hard

You work on yourself day by day, week by week, month by month and so forth

But then…shit happens

You get triggered and your old coping mechanisms, the ones you swore you'd never use again, come out

You make the same old mistakes

You split on the people you care about, but this time you go too far

Maybe the bridge is burnt

Maybe they hate you

…oh? They forgive you and don't take it personal?

Yay….or wait. Why are they forgiving me?

I don't deserve forgiveness?! I'm a bad fucking human being that should die!

Ah here we go again the spiral. Can't take a compliment can't you

Cause you're just too much

The people around you expect you to be stable. So you high function it

But you can't be perfect all the time

The mask slips and you spiral

You vent and vent and vent….talking to people to get them to understand you

And….nothing

You find out they weren't ignoring you

They care, they really do!

But you see….you're just too much

Since you can't express yourself like normal people it all comes out like garbage

It's like, they want to help they don't know how

They don't know what to say because everything is a trigger. Even no response

And you can't express yourself so you bottle it up until….you can't no more

Then comes suicide

Man, wouldn't it be great to just die?

Well, maybe it's not so much you want to "die" you just want this pain to stop

But you're in treatment so it should stop right?

Well not exactly

Unfortunately you gotta work at it

This whole fuckin uphill battle

You climb up and up and up….and then you crash

But everyone expects you to keep going so you do

Till you ask yourself

Why the fuck am I doing this shit?

Like, why keep suffering?

Why keep doing this stupid thing called healing when you can just stop?

It's cause death is hard

You won't know how people all react once you die

Maybe they might be sad. Maybe they'll see you were in pain and couldn't keep living anymore

They still don't understand but they feel sad

I would know

It's hard being me

The girl who's too much

 

[casual_existence]

Wow. This is well written. I hope you find your answer.

 

[Water-Lily]

Wow. This is well written. I hope you find your answer.

I just had to get it off my chest

For now, I feel holding onto things instead of just venting (even when people offer me the space to) is my best bet

the guilt that comes after letting out a bunch of shit is an aftermath I am tired of facing

 

[_Broken_alice]

So much of this is so painfully relatable...
Get a compliment, can't accept it as you feel deep down you don't deserve it.
They say they worry about you, and then never message back. You bring it up because that in itself hurts more, and they say they just don't know what to say. They try for a while to include you and you just get hurt by the littlest things. So eventually they stop reaching out, leaving you in isolation while your misery and loneliness eat away at whatever was left of you. You can want nothing more than just to have companionship, to have interaction, but at the end of the day you are simply too much. They insist they love you and care so much about you. You try to get a little better on your own, slip a little, and fall right back into the abyss. You hit a point where you are too much, even for yourself. Eventually it all becomes too much and you want to CTB but just can't bring yourself to because that would hurt them and that is the last thing you want to do. And the guilt... Eventually you feel like you never should have bothered them. You feel they would have been better off if you hadn't and they could be blissfully ignorant of your pain as clearly it is too much for them. It's so.. exhausting. We are also just too much anymore.
.
.
~3 broken girls who share a broken mind and body.

 

[tinyghost]

as someone with lot of issues including bpd, i understand. i have to work every waking minute not to be this person. i have to push everyone away so they never see this side of me. it's exhausting and lonely. its disgusting what people do to each other, fucking us up like this, sometimes for life. im so sorry you're suffering through this right now. youre not alone.

 

[qsocdu]

I started reading but then it became long and just.. too much.

Sorry OP couldn't miss the joke. I can relate to this a lot. It's a cycle of hope and despair, I'm like: what's the point to even trying anymore?

 

[FrostedHoax]

Much of this could have been written by me. I do my best to hide my intense emotions so I don't scare others off and inadvertently hurt the ones I want to stay by my side but I'm worried that I'll lose control one day and that they'll all leave me to save themselves the trouble of having to deal with an unpredictable mess like me. But I want them to see my pain, I want them to know that I want nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up again, I want them to know just how much I loathe my life and myself. I just don't know how to do this without going too far with it and scaring everyone off.

 

[doomdoll]

i relate so much to this. it's too painful at times. i like to think someone out there would think we're just enough..

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I didn't even have to read it, but I knew what u meant. The people who will accept u are few. God will try to send u pple who can accept u the way u are but u need to recognize them and don't push them away.