The future

[none_of_your_biz]

Life is catching up to me, and i need to put my future into my own hands, the problem is i am to both mentally and physically disabled to work long hours. I'm finishing school this year (i am an adult, dont worry, still young tho!) And my dream is to.. simply live in my own small apartment with a cat, but now the realization i have been repressing for years now is catching up, the realization that even the thought of working 8h+ is unbearable, even just part-time with 6h is..to much. I have been skipping school every day for months now, because i'm using up all of my energy to survive, that i dont have any left for social interaction with strangers or any work. I'm so scared of dying, but i'm even more scared of living with my parents forever, of never being able to have my own space without going crazy from complete exhaustion and burnout. I want to CTB, i'm not sure when yet, or how, but i cant handle the thought of working until i drop dead, just so i'm granted the "privilege" of living.
I have chronic pain in my joints and hip, aswell as diagnosed ADHD, dyscalcula, dyslexia and i'm currently in the process of being diagnosed with BPD, Autism and DID
I *cant* work, i just cant, and from close friends of mine who get disability i know that that is.. really really not much money, barely enough to survive.
I'm cutting and smoking my life away, but the only way to actually win that game of tag you're it, is to CTB.

The thought of my parents loosing their child, my sister loosing her big sibling and my friends loosing another person to suicide is incredibly painful, but i can not stand this life, i cant, i'm sorry. I hope there will be dandelions and lavender growing on my grave, when i can finally rest.

 

[Reuthry]

[This paragraph is too long, I am sorry.]
The existence itself is ducked up in my opinion. I used to dream of a life where I could have at least a mediocre life, get married and have children and we could be happy.
Now I came to realization that nothing will be good in my future life. I wanted to get a job right? But it is impossible for me to get into a university as a highschool dropout, at least in my country. Getting married? No, this will never happen, I have gender dysphoria and I would have to go for a sex change, even if I could end up something else than a short mutant, I mean I am 5'2", I know tons of people who can't find a girlfriend because they are shorter than 5'8" and committing suicide, do I even have a chance? Getting a job? Even if I study hard and get a job, it's never getting better, it wouldn't make a change. And I don't even started talking about getting old and how it makes people to regret being born...
School, highschool, university, work, having children, they are all damn the same. Someone tells you to do something, you do it, get paid, same cycle on repeat. I thought about the happiest people I know, who have perfect working environments, who have enough money to live, who have children, are they even happy in the end? Life will give you illnesses, people will make you feel the worst, and then someone will show up and say "At least you don't have this that illness, be happy with your life." People are made believe to be happy but in the background, you are just a slave and you don't matter on your own, but people only matter in groups which can keep the economy going.
"No! There is suicide prevention! People want you to live." And no, people who control other people just don't want people to kill themselves and end the suffering, think about it, who cares about you after you killed yourself? No one, your family seem like they are sad but it's just in their natural instincts, nothing else. People only care when they receive something out of it, things work this way. Everything that exists work this way.
I used to think that my parents would die after I kill myself because they are sad. And yes this will happen I am sure, my parents would die, I wonder what my brother would do alone. He would probably kill himself too. But after 100 years passed, no one will know anything, nor care about a family's "dramatic" end. Everyone is going to die anyway, so why would I suffer for some small happy moments people overestimate (that suffering outweighs), so why it matters anyway, being happy? You will be nothing after you die even you were happy or sad, doesn't matter in the end, it will be just nothing.
This is just my personal opinion, but I really think and feel this way. I think about the day I plan to ctb, I will stop the suffering, I won't exist anymore and I am really excited about it. I am already in relief, because I finally started to get closer and closer to ctb. It feels almost orgasmic (definitely not a Salad Fingers reference, "touching spoons feel almost orgasmic", I recommend to watch it, but it is not related to our topic, death and suicide) to imagine. I will compress my carotid arteries, my consciousness will fade away... The excitement, adrenaline just before death... I just can't wait to experience it. I used to get terrified of it, but now I started to embrace the idea behind it. It took me a long time to realize this all, but I really hope that I will finally be free.

 

[none_of_your_biz]

[This paragraph is too long, I am sorry.]
The existence itself is ducked up in my opinion. I used to dream of a life where I could have at least a mediocre life, get married and have children and we could be happy.
Now I came to realization that nothing will be good in my future life. I wanted to get a job right? But it is impossible for me to get into a university as a highschool dropout, at least in my country. Getting married? No, this will never happen, I have gender dysphoria and I would have to go for a sex change, even if I could end up something else than a short mutant, I mean I am 5'2", I know tons of people who can't find a girlfriend because they are shorter than 5'8" and committing suicide, do I even have a chance? Getting a job? Even if I study hard and get a job, it's never getting better, it wouldn't make a change. And I don't even started talking about getting old and how it makes people to regret being born...
School, highschool, university, work, having children, they are all damn the same. Someone tells you to do something, you do it, get paid, same cycle on repeat. I thought about the happiest people I know, who have perfect working environments, who have enough money to live, who have children, are they even happy in the end? Life will give you illnesses, people will make you feel the worst, and then someone will show up and say "At least you don't have this that illness, be happy with your life." People are made believe to be happy but in the background, you are just a slave and you don't matter on your own, but people only matter in groups which can keep the economy going.
"No! There is suicide prevention! People want you to live." And no, people who control other people just don't want people to kill themselves and end the suffering, think about it, who cares about you after you killed yourself? No one, your family seem like they are sad but it's just in their natural instincts, nothing else. People only care when they receive something out of it, things work this way. Everything that exists work this way.
I used to think that my parents would die after I kill myself because they are sad. And yes this will happen I am sure, my parents would die, I wonder what my brother would do alone. He would probably kill himself too. But after 100 years passed, no one will know anything, nor care about a family's "dramatic" end. Everyone is going to die anyway, so why would I suffer for some small happy moments people overestimate (that suffering outweighs), so why it matters anyway, being happy? You will be nothing after you die even you were happy or sad, doesn't matter in the end, it will be just nothing.
This is just my personal opinion, but I really think and feel this way. I think about the day I plan to ctb, I will stop the suffering, I won't exist anymore and I am really excited about it. I am already in relief, because I finally started to get closer and closer to ctb. It feels almost orgasmic (definitely not a Salad Fingers reference, "touching spoons feel almost orgasmic", I recommend to watch it, but it is not related to our topic, death and suicide) to imagine. I will compress my carotid arteries, my consciousness will fade away... The excitement, adrenaline just before death... I just can't wait to experience it. I used to get terrified of it, but now I started to embrace the idea behind it. It took me a long time to realize this all, but I really hope that I will finally be free.

Exactly, i'm just a slave to some super rich people up there, its so easy for people to forget about me, i was proven that plenty of times, i am trans aswell and in an unsupportive family situation, which adds onto that aswell (which is especially ironic since my mother is friends with two trans women but if its her own child i guess its a problem) i still want to experience my best friends and mine 3 year friendship anniversary (though i bet they will leave aswell before that) then I'm ready to die.
Also i know salad fingers! Its pretty cool though fucked up lol

I hope you will find peace, be it in life or death, you deserve peace

 

[Reuthry]

Exactly, i'm just a slave to some super rich people up there, its so easy for people to forget about me, i was proven that plenty of times, i am trans aswell and in an unsupportive family situation, which adds onto that aswell (which is especially ironic since my mother is friends with two trans women but if its her own child i guess its a problem) i still want to experience my best friends and mine 3 year friendship anniversary (though i bet they will leave aswell before that) then I'm ready to die.
Also i know salad fingers! Its pretty cool though fucked up lol

I hope you will find peace, be it in life or death, you deserve peace

I hope that you find peace too, friend. Wishing you the best.