The Future Terrifies Me

[-nobodyknows-]

I have come to realize that the coming year may very well be my last. It is, as they say, time to do or die. For, you see, I am reaching the end of my rope, and things in my life will soon become significantly more complicated. The grace period is ending. Soon, I will need to truly walk alone.

Such loneliness frightens me greatly. Living on my own… I do not think it will go very well for me. For you see, I get too wrapped up in my own head when I am alone for extended periods. I get so sad. I don't think I will be able to survive that way for very long.

Unfortunately, getting a roommate is off the table as well. I am not good with other people. I'm not very good at making friends, and I'm pretty hopeless when it comes to romantic relationships.

It is kind of funny, in a way. People assume that, because I am so quiet, that I do not like other people or something. However, it is quite the opposite. I really like it when people talk to me, but I am horrible at initiating things. I don't really know how to start things properly.

Either way, I feel that it is only a matter of time before I fall. I don't think I have much time. And, the thought of the inevitable lonely life that I am destined to live fills me with great distress. I don't know what to do about it. I don't know how to accept it. I don't want things to be that way.

There is only one escape, and it is also something I dread. I do not fear death; I fear the impact such an event would have on others. I've been pushed over that edge many times, so many that I stopped counting, but I always hated that that was where I was. I wanted things to be different. I still do. I try to hope for the future, to have faith that something will change one day.

But, I fear it has been too long. These feelings have distorted me into something incompatible with others. I cannot speak about myself, my feelings, or my past, without bringing pain to others. When I see the sadness in their eyes, I feel so guilty for burdening them with such information. Many simply start avoiding me at that point, and those that don't have always required me to hold back. I do not blame them for such things, but the inability to be open with others, especially those you care about, is such an isolating feeling.

The other day, I saw a cherry tree that had bloomed early, in the middle of winter. It reminded me of myself. In this cold, dark portion of my life, I will try my best to truly live. I will not simply bury my feelings, or isolate myself, and stall for time in the hope that the warmth enters my life again. Could I live longer that way? Probably. However, that is not a life I want.

I shall attempt to live as if the sun is shining brightly, until I freeze to death.

 

[The_Hunter]

The other day, I saw a cherry tree that had bloomed early, in the middle of winter. It reminded me of myself. In this cold, dark portion of my life, I will try my best to truly live. I will not simply bury my feelings, or isolate myself, and stall for time in the hope that the warmth enters my life again. Could I live longer that way? Probably. However, that is not a life I want.

I shall attempt to live as if the sun is shining brightly, until I freeze to death.

I find this poetic and beautiful. Genuinely, thank you so much for your words.

Just to add & clarify: I really mean that. I'm an avid poet, and the way you described this perspective you had, and the way you worded it into your own life... I really respect the attention to detail you paid in this... really clear & lovely description. I do swear I am not just saying this; really—nice words, thanks for them. But I owe you a bit more than a compliment for this neat metaphor; so here is my perspective on your situation.

I don't know how to accept it. I don't want things to be that way.

I feel this goes to the heart of the matter. You don't want things to be that way, and you don't know how to accept it. So let us recognize something that's true, that does us both good to address. You don't have to accept that. Things don't have to be that way.

And you feel talk of destiny, of inevitable fates. But destinies and fates are but feelings; we have felt them since the beginning of time—remember how many people have proclaimed the imminent end of the world? But it never came. You see, I personally suspect that we humans are rather susceptible to this idea of "destiny", that something out of our control will spellbind us into oblivion and we're powerless to stop it. But in doing so, we risk demonstrating the fallacy of the self-fulfilling prophecy. And a greater risk, too. The risk of believing something that is seemingly convincing, but in reality untrue. This notion of an almost divine, destined fate—is a product of our nature, rather than of our reasoning. But it is true that our known problems can cause suffering in ways familiar to us, such as the loneliness you feel from your social struggles. Know this is an cause-and-effect affair, and is no sign of any higher destiny ensuring damnation.

Maybe you only theorize a great fall into oblivion because of a fear within you, or due to our nature to craft narratives for ourselves. A narrative we feel fitting, perfect, and deserving for ourselves. But life is chaotic and unpredictable, who knows, maybe such a fall will be unceremoniously averted by some random series of events that shift a course to something better unwillingly. Anything can happen, really—bad, or good.

I fear the impact such an event would have on others.

I just want to know that you are a very compassionate person for having such a concern. It is easy, so so easy, to forget fears of how it would effect other people, with strong emotions like these. I myself forget it so unbelievably easily, how it would effect my closest friends—et cetera. I feel the fact you are able to somehow remain aware of this, is a real testament to how aware you are of others, and maybe even how much you care about the effect you have on other people.

I've been pushed over that edge many times, so many that I stopped counting, but I always hated that that was where I was.

Despite my much more privileged situation, I myself can attest to feeling like I've been suicidal on-and-off like 10 times in a span of a few months. It really is kind of jading just how many times we can swing back and forth between wanting to live and wanting to die. I empathize with that. I too, hate that you suffer what you currently do.

But, I fear it has been too long. These feelings have distorted me into something incompatible with others. I cannot speak about myself, my feelings, or my past, without bringing pain to others. When I see the sadness in their eyes, I feel so guilty for burdening them with such information. Many simply start avoiding me at that point, and those that don't have always required me to hold back. I do not blame them for such things, but the inability to be open with others, especially those you care about, is such an isolating feeling.

I am sorry to hear that. Not everyone is great at reacting to suicidal thoughts. Save for those who have dealt with them in the past, and who truly understand that your struggle does not equate a threat to them.

Those people may make you feel like you are a danger, a threat, a weapon to be put away—but you are not. You are a human being, and you do deserve the catharsis of being able to be real and raw with someone, without feeling like you've gone too far. You do deserve the ability to express yourself fully, without remorse. That's one of the reasons why I feel places like this are so valuable; the mere act of expressing those feelings, is an important one. Loneliness is hell, and venting is a little bit of a cool drink. I feel that relief is a right to people, and I am honestly glad places such as this exist, to quell the burning isolation of such societally shunned emotions.

I hate that we have to lie to others in other to become socially acceptable.

Please know that it is not your fault they are not used to hearing such things; whatever "suffering" they appeared to feel, I am sure it was easily remedied through what they do in their daily lives. Please remember that you too, feel a suffering which has stuck with you much longer than it did for them. Please don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. But yes, we can't really afford to tell our friends about how suicidal we are; it would drive many of them away. Good thing we can express ourselves here, though.

I truly hope that one day, you are able to find someone whom you love and who loves you (I don't mean just a partner btw, even a friend too) who knows these feelings just as well as you do, and is willing to hear you out, without fear.

I mean... I guess that's one of the reasons why therapists exist, to just hear people vent, so that people don't have to risk straining their social relations to remedy their issues. A "paid friend to vent to", in a way. Quite odd if you think about it, but that's kind of true, if we consider it.

People assume that, because I am so quiet, that I do not like other people or something. However, it is quite the opposite. I really like it when people talk to me, but I am horrible at initiating things. I don't really know how to start things properly.

That's so messed up..! Our society really is quite rude to people who display certain harmless characteristics, making accusation out of nothing. I am really happy to hear that you like to talk with people, but feel confused on how to start it.

Reading all this and theorizing a bit more... I theorize that you might just have a genuine care for other people. My apologies if I'm reading this wrong. But if that is so, I truly hope you find people that care about you and that are wonderful to talk to. It may seem impossible, but I hope such a coincidence of serendipity may occur, no matter how unlikely it is.

I know you feel distorted and twisted because of how people have reacted to you sharing your suicidal thoughts. And how the loneliness & rejection have truly hurt you, and made you feel like you won't be able to achieve what you desire in the future. But I just want to let you know, that other people were wrong to brush you off as damned, that people do not know enough about you to judge you accurately, that we cannot make snap-judgements based on brief repeated runs of heuristics (gut judgements), and that things don't always have to be the way that people say they are; the average person is simply far too absorbed in their own lives to accurately judge yours.

I feel the human psyche is a truly notable thing; but we do have certain tendencies that trip us up, that can work against us in society (resulting in misunderstanding & isolation) and against ourselves, tying us up and making us feel unable to comprehend anything anymore. I feel some of the concepts you should ensure you're familiar with, are learned helplessness, and the self-fulfilling prophecy. Learned helplessness is what can happen to us if our control is repeatedly denied to us, to the point where we become conditioned to believe our actions have no effect—even if the things that caused our actions to have no effect disappear, in essence, even if our actions may still potentially have at least even some effect.

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But I don't feel it has been too long. I feel there may not have to be one escape. Perhaps we can learn to better understand our natures, and realize what we truly want; and learn to pass through the contempt & rejection that society subjects us to; to find the rare kinds of people who will actually care & hear us out. I feel it's a hope worth considering. Maybe it isn't; but I consider it likely enough to consider staking for nonetheless. Just as a cherry tree brazenly grows without reason, perhaps we too, can bask in the sunlight, for longer.

***

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on."
—Franklin D. Roosevelt

(I apologize for any misunderstanding or condescension I may have accidentally imparted by writing this. Please feel free to critique any part of this reply, and be wholly honest in any criticism of it. I apologize in advance for anything incorrect I may have said.) (I truly hope that the sufferings you face are able to be mitigated, even in the slightest capacity. I wish you way more than luck.)