The Final Step

[yati91]

I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 23, and I'm broken beyond repair. I can tell you everything that led up to this point but realistically, the only thing you need to know is that this year I truly had my awakening that my life was meant to just be a pawn to benefit the lives of my parents and that their love is conditional. Not to mention, my older sister hates my guts and would love it if I was dead too even after everything I've done for her growing up, but I can't blame her because it's my fault. Because of this, I've had nothing but anti-natalist views of my parents and a yearning for sweet peace one way or another. I made it a goal earlier this year to move out far away from my parents on a love fling that didn't last as an escape, and I live on my own now. Needless to say, it doesn't matter how many states you move, some things you can't run from. I'm going to be honest, I am fortunate enough to have what I need to CTB right now as I am one of the lucky few to have my environment lined up and the tools needed. I live alone in a small dwelling with no connected neighboring walls so nobody will hear or save me. My parents are also across the country as well so my home would probably be grave robbed by the time they found out I was gone. I am ashamed to admit however that I am stuck in that grueling hell of not being able to pull the trigger due to a variety of fears stopping me. I read the brainstem is the sure fire way to go out, but yet questions nag me. Will I feel the pain? Will I be conscious in my last moments? If I'm slightly off in my aim, will I suffer longer before going? This was enough to stop me and put off my plans for months. In an unproductive stupor, I buried my true feelings underneath a pile of hedonism and wasted all my time glued to my computer. The bills are catching up to me now and I have to work up my courage sooner than later. So I finally ask all of you reading, what could be the best way to get past this final obstacle? Is it letting my despair build up until I hit rock bottom and as a result, it will become effortless? Or is it maybe spending time coming to peace with myself so I can gracefully and carefully execute what needs to be done to minimize the possibility of error? Maybe practicing the action itself to create muscle memory that will not fail? Or possibly a combination of all 3? I've even considered the possibility of CTB via blood loss instead hoping it would be a more peaceful and less violent way to leave. However, I can't ignore the easy escape I have right now if I could summon the courage to use it.

 

[SVEN]

Possibly practise "dry firing" the weapon just to try to get acclimatised to the actions and more familiar with the series of events leading up to the real thing.
Once you get readier to ctb I don't know how you would feel, if the weapon is a revolver, about perhaps leaving a couple of chambers empty, thus introducing the element of chance to allow you to believe that the hammer may fall on an empty one. Obviously this wouldn't apply with an auto.
Best wishes however you proceed.

 

[Pandas0812]

I'll cut straight to the point. I'm 23, and I'm broken beyond repair. I can tell you everything that led up to this point but realistically, the only thing you need to know is that this year I truly had my awakening that my life was meant to just be a pawn to benefit the lives of my parents and that their love is conditional. Not to mention, my older sister hates my guts and would love it if I was dead too even after everything I've done for her growing up, but I can't blame her because it's my fault. Because of this, I've had nothing but anti-natalist views of my parents and a yearning for sweet peace one way or another. I made it a goal earlier this year to move out far away from my parents on a love fling that didn't last as an escape, and I live on my own now. Needless to say, it doesn't matter how many states you move, some things you can't run from. I'm going to be honest, I am fortunate enough to have what I need to CTB right now as I am one of the lucky few to have my environment lined up and the tools needed. I live alone in a small dwelling with no connected neighboring walls so nobody will hear or save me. My parents are also across the country as well so my home would probably be grave robbed by the time they found out I was gone. I am ashamed to admit however that I am stuck in that grueling hell of not being able to pull the trigger due to a variety of fears stopping me. I read the brainstem is the sure fire way to go out, but yet questions nag me. Will I feel the pain? Will I be conscious in my last moments? If I'm slightly off in my aim, will I suffer longer before going? This was enough to stop me and put off my plans for months. In an unproductive stupor, I buried my true feelings underneath a pile of hedonism and wasted all my time glued to my computer. The bills are catching up to me now and I have to work up my courage sooner than later. So I finally ask all of you reading, what could be the best way to get past this final obstacle? Is it letting my despair build up until I hit rock bottom and as a result, it will become effortless? Or is it maybe spending time coming to peace with myself so I can gracefully and carefully execute what needs to be done to minimize the possibility of error? Maybe practicing the action itself to create muscle memory that will not fail? Or possibly a combination of all 3? I've even considered the possibility of CTB via blood loss instead hoping it would be a more peaceful and less violent way to leave. However, I can't ignore the easy escape I have right now if I could summon the courage to use it.

If you got a .45 then I'd say a good shot to the Temple would do you good, since you live alone, you won't be one of those one in a million that survived a shot to the head, even with a damn .22. Id say a brainstem shot it risking to complicated, side of the head man. Good luck bro

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Will I feel the pain? Will I be conscious in my last moments?

Sharing my answer to someone else with the same questions: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/please-someone-give-me-a-straight-answer.131765/post-2146113

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine that many manage to go through with ctb when they know that the time is right for them to leave or they just get so determined, sadly there's just no straightforward answer to the question, I hope you eventually find peace from all the suffering, best of luck.

 

[Jezzibell]

I'm using a different method but stuck with the same mental quagmire. I usually leave things right to the last moment but I have deadlines now which are coming up quickly