Venting The feeling is just so INTENSE

[ChildrensITV]

It's like my mind is screaming: "you need to go! you need to go! you need to go! you need to go!"

You know shit is bad when the only thing you have to look forward to is ending yourself.

When you wake up, there is a split second where you're like "....uh..." because you don't remember how shit your life is. Or after a particularly bad "night-before", you will wake up, stare at the wall, and ask yourself: "Did that garbage happen or did I dream it?" or "I know something bad happened last night but what was it?"

And then within 1 second, your mind focuses and you become aware of who you are, why your life is shit, and that you have to endure another day of this fucking dogshit.

There are times in the day when I am listening to music and the feeling to be dead is so OVERWHELMING that I let out a plea or sigh to the universe or god. It's just so clear that this isn't working.

I really did want to live. I didn't want to give up. But I can't live like this. This isn't living.

 

[stoopid]

Maybe you don't to live, but the pro life indoctrination tells you it's wrong. You literally stated that in 95% of your text why life isn't an option and it looks pretty obvious that the reasons are very dominant, it's the same for me, but these thoughts are most likely to stay, ofc you can try to fight them, but the thoughts are there for a reason. Accepting that this cycle can be ended with an absolute result is very satisfying, atleast for me, after crying, after living in hell for long enough there isn't even the slightest fear of death.

There is something in you, you can fight it and win (I wish you the absolute best that you get the result you desire) but it also can make you more vulnerable and hurt you more in the end, if you trust the wrong person or something.

 

[blanket99]

I can relate to this I think.

I tend to not remember dreams but they don't seem like bad ones. I'll wake up and feel okay in general for maybe 30 seconds, then I remind myself of reality and what's going on. It's tough to deal with friend, and it almost takes away one of the few things I enjoy and that is sleeping (when I can sleep).

There are a few things that bring some relief to feeling overwhelmed, like taking walks outside but I'm even more worried about if that stops working. During these walks I sometimes even flirt with a positive future, with hope that everything will turn out okay so it's some sort of temporary relief. Then again, once reality sets in with my problems physically and mentally it mostly squashes those hopes but I at least don't feel like CTBing ASAP. My brain does dumb shit and I can go a day or two without suffering or the opposite. Today has been an example of an okay day, but in the back of my mind I'm 99.9% sure that I'm done fighting and I need some permanent relief.

Hopefully this jabbering made sense, I wish you happiness and peace however you can get it :)

 

[FuneralCry]

Waking up really can be so horrible, if only it was straightforward for us to just pass away in our sleep then that would be ideal. But it does sound really tiring what you have to endure so of course it's very much understandable wishing to be free from all the suffering. Existing here in this cruel world certainly can be torture.

 

[ge0rge]

this is incredibly relatable, 10000%, to a T