The evening of my life is now

[TheSoulless]

It's a surreal feeling. The thought that I might actually ctb this week feels really strange, and sad. I'm filled with intense melancholy.

I finally found a song that I want to be played at my funeral and what I will listen to before I die.

I'm really sad. I really don't want to die, I don't. But I feel like there's no way to recover anymore. I spent a weekend with two of my closest friends, and I don't feel good at all. I want this to end.

I feel so sorry for my parents, who I love more than anyone else in this world. But my adventures are already behind me, and many of them will live on in their hearts. I have so many good memories, but recently they're only bad ones.

Seems like I'm a hopeless romantic even in these end times. But that's just who I am, and I don't hate it. I hate everything else about myself.

Every path seems to lead here. I'm done trying.

 

[whywere]

Believe me when I say this, been there, done that, as far as I have the same feelings and I have tried twice to ctb. You have something that I never had, a loving relationship with one's parents, and that in its self is so, so much to think about now and IN THE FUTURE. I totally understand where you are coming from, heavens I have been there, and I was transported to a ward in a hospital afterwards , from my 2nd go at it. NOW, you have everyone here, your global family, to help, as everyone has so much done for me. I THANK YOU to everyone here for ALL the help that I have received here. Trying to recover from mental health issues is the hardest aspect that anyone could ever under take in one's life, hands down. All I will say is that I am MUCH,MUCH older that you and have been through the life experience mill and have been ground up and spit out and I pulled through with the help of all the folks here. I 100% BELIEVE in YOU that you can also recover to feel the warm sunshine and the warm glow of family now and in the future. I have battled depression and BPD and a host of other issues since 1964 and I love, care and have everything in the fiber of my being sending you all my love, caring, empathy, understanding and the knowledge that you are loved here and from your post your family. YOU ARE A AWESOME PERSON!!!! Walter

 

[TheSoulless]

Believe me when I say this, been there, done that, as far as I have the same feelings and I have tried twice to ctb. You have something that I never had, a loving relationship with one's parents, and that in its self is so, so much to think about now and IN THE FUTURE. I totally understand where you are coming from, heavens I have been there, and I was transported to a ward in a hospital afterwards , from my 2nd go at it. NOW, you have everyone here, your global family, to help, as everyone has so much done for me. I THANK YOU to everyone here for ALL the help that I have received here. Trying to recover from mental health issues is the hardest aspect that anyone could ever under take in one's life, hands down. All I will say is that I am MUCH,MUCH older that you and have been through the life experience mill and have been ground up and spit out and I pulled through with the help of all the folks here. I 100% BELIEVE in YOU that you can also recover to feel the warm sunshine and the warm glow of family now and in the future. I have battled depression and BPD and a host of other issues since 1964 and I love, care and have everything in the fiber of my being sending you all my love, caring, empathy, understanding and the knowledge that you are loved here and from your post your family. YOU ARE A AWESOME PERSON!!!! Walter

Thank you for this. I really wish I could say I want to believe. But at this point it's mental issues stacked on social issues stacked on physical issues. I just don't think I could ever live with myself even if I recovered from this. But thanks. I will think about my decision still.

 

[FuneralCry]

It is hard to keep on living when everything feels hopeless, there is only so much we can take. It can be a surreal feeling, thinking we will no longer be here. If you choose to leave this earth then I wish you peace.

 

[TheSoulless]

It is hard to keep on living when everything feels hopeless, there is only so much we can take. It can be a surreal feeling, thinking we will no longer be here. If you choose to leave this earth then I wish you peace.

Thank you.

 

[hahabye]

I can really relate to the way you described your feelings. It really does feel surreal at times.

But as my date gets closer, I'm starting to feel less melancholic and more able to look at the decision to ctb as a logical one. Because, like you said, all paths kept leading me here.

What song did you choose?

 

[TheSoulless]

I can really relate to the way you described your feelings. It really does feel surreal at times.

But as my date gets closer, I'm starting to feel less melancholic and more able to look at the decision to ctb as a logical one. Because, like you said, all paths kept leading me here.

What song did you choose?

This one, I posted it here a few days ago.

 

[Cast_Away]

it's strange, but in my darkest times i start to notice beauty in the things i haven't even looked at before. When i feel broken, useless, out of this world, like there is nothing left for me here, i go out and just walk in the night or in some abandoned places, where no one can hear me screaming and crying. I turn on some music and just look around. I see the light of the lanterns, dark, but beautiful sky, feel the wind going through my hair, and just feel alive. It's bizarre that only being mentally broken i can see something amazing in the usual things. Thats the thing that always keeps me going. Cause once i'm dead, i won't be able to feel anything. I recently literally felt NOTHING for a couple of hours, and it sucked. that was even worse than feeling bad. Just nothing. Even music that always helps me out wasn't touching anymore. I don't want to be in the void, at least for now. Hope you're gonna find something to fight for too.

"there is too much beauty to quit"

 

[TheSoulless]

it's strange, but in my darkest times i start to notice beauty in the things i haven't even looked at before. When i feel broken, useless, out of this world, like there is nothing left for me here, i go out and just walk in the night or in some abandoned places, where no one can hear me screaming and crying. I turn on some music and just look around. I see the light of the lanterns, dark, but beautiful sky, feel the wind going through my hair, and just feel alive. It's bizarre that only being mentally broken i can see something amazing in the usual things. Thats the thing that always keeps me going. Cause once i'm dead, i won't be able to feel anything. I recently literally felt NOTHING for a couple of hours, and it sucked. that was even worse than feeling bad. Just nothing. Even music that always helps me out wasn't touching anymore. I don't want to be in the void, at least for now. Hope you're gonna find something to fight for too.

"there is too much beauty to quit"

Thanks. I see what you mean. Thinking about ctb'ing the past few days I see how much I actually care about my parents, and how much I try to convince myself that they don't matter to me and vice versa. That's probably going to stop me from doing the thing this week at least.

 

[Birthinjune]

it's strange, but in my darkest times i start to notice beauty in the things i haven't even looked at before. When i feel broken, useless, out of this world, like there is nothing left for me here, i go out and just walk in the night or in some abandoned places, where no one can hear me screaming and crying. I turn on some music and just look around. I see the light of the lanterns, dark, but beautiful sky, feel the wind going through my hair, and just feel alive. It's bizarre that only being mentally broken i can see something amazing in the usual things. Thats the thing that always keeps me going. Cause once i'm dead, i won't be able to feel anything. I recently literally felt NOTHING for a couple of hours, and it sucked. that was even worse than feeling bad. Just nothing. Even music that always helps me out wasn't touching anymore. I don't want to be in the void, at least for now. Hope you're gonna find something to fight for too.

"there is too much beauty to quit"

That's beautifully said. Thank you for inspiring me to take those midnight walks and look around and see ❤

 

[Alec]

I'm sending you the warmest hugs and whatever you choose I want you to know that I think it's alright. I'm with you and I love you and I'm so sorry you are in this situation!

 

[motel rooms]

i go out and just walk in the night or in some abandoned places, where no one can hear me screaming and crying. I turn on some music and just look around. I see the light of the lanterns, dark, but beautiful sky, feel the wind going through my hair, and just feel alive.
"there is too much beauty to quit"

You need extremely little if what you described is too much beauty for you. You're luckier than you might think. Wish I had your eyes, everything looks empty & dead to me.
"Go look at the lake. Go look at the sky. Go look at a baby. We're all gonna die. We don't know who we are. We don't get very far."

 

[Cast_Away]

You need extremely little if what you described is too much beauty for you. You're luckier than you might think. Wish I had your eyes, everything looks empty & dead to me.
"Go look at the lake. Go look at the sky. Go look at a baby. We're all gonna die. We don't know who we are. We don't get very far."

I'm sorry that you can't see it. It might be all dead around, but you aren't. It means that there is still little fire burning inside you. Even if you feel dead inside, or want to die, it doesn't matter, you're still here, with us. Some of us came here cause they really wanna die, others - desperatly want to survive, but don't see the way out of this shit. Maybe you just don't see it yet, maybe there is not one. I don't know. But whatever you came here for, i wish you the best and hope you still gonna see some light in this darkness.

 

[TheSoulless]

I'm sending you the warmest hugs and whatever you choose I want you to know that I think it's alright. I'm with you and I love you and I'm so sorry you are in this situation!

Thank you. After thinking for some time I know I'm not ready yet.

 

[NormaJeane]

Thank you. After thinking for some time I know I'm not ready yet.

It affects most of us, shall we live one more day or not? That is probably why we all are here.