The eternal dilemma: Those who love you or YOU

[WornOutLife]

So, you're fed up with this unasked weird thing called life and wanna leave this world ASAP right?

However, it's not that easy. There are still people who actually love YOU and will practically DIE without you in their lives so, here comes the dilemma: TO LEAVE OR NOT TO LEAVE?

I've read many threads about people being selfish for having ctb and I think it makes some sense. I mean, we can't deal with this life anymore so, we choose to get the hell out of here in spite of destroying our family/friends' lives. However, are we really selfish? We never asked to be born and be forced to exist so...isn't it fair to leave this planet whenever we want?

Anyway, I don't know if I'll be ever to ctb as long as my dad is alive. I don't want him to have a stroke or heart-attack (that almost happened last year after my failed attempt. I panicked) so, I guess I'll have to keep on struggling with this eternal dilemma for some more time.

What about you? Are you stuck in this dilemma too?

 

[ShutUpEli]

I have a feeling I won't be CTB for awhile, so hopefully this forum doesn't go anywhere haha. I've got a cat and a girlfriend as my main weights for keeping me grounded. I don't know what I'd do without either of them. I practically break down if I even begin to think about my SO dying, yet the pain I feel living in this world hurts so much more. It's a constant pull between "but they'd miss me!" And "who the fuck cares?" I don't know how long I'll be here for but hey, weed has gotten me through this much so I'll be alright.

Like they say, the soft rains with come soon.
Peace and love to you

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I'm fluctuating back and forth with this greatly. On one hand, I think I might do great harm, mental and physical, to two important people in my life. On the other hand, I am trying to reason it out because I just want to be able to let go of this life that damn bad.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Not too much. As an example: love does not have to be reciprocated - correct? This is what we are always told: that you are not "entitled" to the love of another human. This means that I, or we, do not have to love those who love us - that is assuming there are any loved ones anyway. I can reject them in the same way others have rejected me for most of my life. It should work both ways.

 

[restforeternity]

My dilemma is I have 2 kids who can't quite fend for themselves yet.

 

[death137]

Suicide is a selfish act but so does keeping someone alive. I didn't choice to be born let alone in this situation so I've no obligation to stay alive for someone sake. I know my mother will be greatly affected. She even told me she won't live if I ctb. I feel sad by it but suicide is inevitable for me.

 

[restforeternity]

My mother told me that she'll never be able to forgive herself if something where to happen to me especially by my own doing.

 

[Dutchyala]

This is a terrible struggle. I have no one to leave behind. My parents are dead. My brothers always remind me what a burden I am. I have no friend or accquaintace that would actually care. It's going to be a relief to be free of me to my brothers in particular.

However my dad leaving caused so much suffering and struggle while I was still a child. But I could never blame him. He wasn't happy after losing my mom. We can't control what we feel.

If I had someone dependant on me or that truly loved me it would be much harder. I know the pain of losing others. Maybe love would speak stronger in this situation, it's hard to know not being there. It doesn't mean that it would make any easier.

Either way is never selfish. No one would want to die if the suffering wasn't strong and unbearable.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I always thought that I don't care how devastating it is for my family, because it's something I feel has to be done sooner or later. But when I sat there with the SN, suddenly I started panicking and visualising how destroyed they might be by my death, and it terrified me. It came out of nowhere, I didn't think I would ever worry like that. Still, I think I need to do it.

 

[BottomlessPit]

I always thought that I don't care how devastating it is for my family, because it's something I feel has to be done sooner or later. But when I sat there with the SN, suddenly I started panicking and visualising how destroyed they might be by my death, and it terrified me. It came out of nowhere, I didn't think I would ever worry like that. Still, I think I need to do it.

I have a feeling that this is exactly how it will go down for me. I tend to be very level-headed and cold when I think about the effects my exit will have, but when it comes to actually doing it... I might become too sentimental in that moment. I hope I can overcome that, I don't want to be stuck in a limbo where I can't ctb nor live a fulfilling life.

 

[fishtacos4me]

I am so stuck in this. I love my wife. My wife's brother CTB with a shot gun in their bathroom. Made a huge mess and she found him. Then the man she was dating didn't answer his phone. She went to his house and found him dead. She's seen more than enough dead folks and I can't have her find me. I really don't want to be just another person in her life who died. I want to no longer exist, but I'm worried how it will affect her.
My daughter has no other family on this planet other than me. I don't want to leave them, but I'm miserable here.
To make it worse, I caught my daughter cutting herself when she was a teen and we made a pact to never harm ourselves again. Now, I'm sick and in pain though. Now I hurt all the time and I'm tired AF.
This video goes through my head though

 

[RedHarlequin]

I think this really depends on how much you are suffering. At some point the suffering gets so bad you can't live for others anymore. Not that you forget how much pain it will cause them, those thoughts don't go away but the suffering just gets too much.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

nobody has ever loved the real me because in reality i'm a miserable person. so i can understand

 

[Bat 17]

I tried and failed and in doing so hurt and terrified so many people around me. Yes it showed me in a way how much I meant to them and yes I felt guilty, although I also felt they didn't understand.

Now I am going to go on as long as my children need me, kind of plan B. I plod along. But I also think I am at lot less mentally unwell at present than I was back then.

You guys are the only ones who really get it and for that I thank you.

 

[Birthinjune]

Very much so. My soulmate committed suicide a few months ago and I'm in so much pain. This life isn't worth living without him. I would have ctb already but I'm plagued with guilt of ruining my mom and siblings life, like I feel mine is ruined. I know my friends will be sad, but they will continue on okay. But my mom has made statements like she wouldn't be able to live if she lost one of us (her children). And I am close to my sibling and I feel like she needs me.

I know if my fiance could imagine what pain I was in now he wouldn't have done it. And I know that if I were to die I would pass that same pain along to my family.

Ive tried to have the conversation of how much unbearable pain I'm in. That if I was gone how they needed to take care of one another. That was met with a lot of worry, and promises from them that I will eventually stop hurting so much, that I have to just give it time.

But I feel like I'm a walking ghost, and about 90% of the time I think about dying. Nothing scares me about leaving this world except hurting my family.

I do mental gymnastics, I tell myself I'm living in a simulation and they cease to exist when I do. I tell myself that while they'd be upset, they couldn't possibly feel the amount of pain I'm in if I stage it like an accident.

It's been 4 months since his death and I worry that I'm doing permanent damage to my brain. I worry that I'm going to suffer memory loss because this is so traumatic and I cannot cope. My heart always feels like its breaking. I can't be alone because I'll sleep all day and stop eating. I've told my friends that I'm suicidal, but eventually most have stopped checking on me now assuming I'm already doing better. I feel like a burden to be around, like I'm a shell of my former self. I feel like there's nothing to look forward to in life any more. I can't imagine a time this pain will ever go away. I feel like I met my soulmate and I fucked my life up by not preventing him from dying. I'm not interested in anything else this life could show me, and I feel like I'm living for others. But I'm not even a whole person anymore, so why stay here?

Anyway, when I deliberate and plan I feel like my options are:
-Try to warn them/explain so they understand and have a chance to say goodbye.
-Explain the same way in a note so there is no chance that they feel like it could have been prevented
-Stage death as an accident. While tragic I don't think would effect them as much as suicide

I know that I would give everything I had for a second more with my fiance. I would literally do anything to have him back. I think I feel like a burden now to friends I know care for me, but I know that unconditional love only comes from my family. That they would want me around in any state I'm in no matter what, even in this state of depression where I'm barely speaking and generally probably miserable to be around.

So yeah, this is the hardest thing. What to do about the people that love you. I imagine I'll remain a suicidal ghost or may reach a tipping point where even that kind of love can't keep me here.

 

[WornOutLife]

You guys are the only ones who really get it and for that I thank you.

Thank YOU for being so nice!!
As you can see, leaving this world is not so easy and everybody has their own reasons. We really understand what you're going through.

Let's keep on helping each other as long as we're still trying to be able to deal with this weird thing called life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I feel bad about ruining the lives of others as I know how traumatic the effects are of an self inflicted death. However it is selfish for others to expect you to stay alive just for their sake. I would hope that people left behind would take solace that I am now in a better place and free from suffering. It is just the inevitable consequence of bringing people into this world against their will.

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

We are not selfish at all. Selfish were our parents who brought us to this world without any asking. Selfish are the people who force us to living in spite of suffering. But we are NOT selfish.

However I know my mum's life will be destroyed, because she has nobody else. I'm the only child and she always tells me I'm her everything. But it was her decision to give me life and it is my decision to take it.