Venting The End Of The Road

[evilnkaa]

I want to start off with I don't think this place was meant for me. Maybe I'm saying that loosely. Almost every year on my birthday I have attempted to ctb. My birthday is the sadiest day of the year. I realize I don't have really any friends and I'm probably the most loneliest person alive. In fact that's the only award I'd ever win in my 19 years of being alive. I don't want this to feel like a sob story but to an extent I grew up with a lot of trauma. By the age of 10 I developed a eating disorder. Till this day I am trying my best to love myself but I break from time to time. I look at myself more than 30 times in the mirror. I know it's pathetic. I always got kicked out of friend groups so by the time high school hit I lost everyone and was at my lowest. I learned to be alone and was okay with loneliness. I started doing lots of pills due to me feeling like if I was asleep my thoughts,my brain, my mind would feel at ease. It's been 6 months of being sober. I have chronic stress and I'm always going back and forth to the ER because of my panic attacks. My mind is my mortal enemy, I'd like to think. I think so much, It eats me alive. I'm exhausted to say the least. The world feels so hard to be in. I feel so pathetic for wanting to ctb. I can't keep telling myself "just one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second." I'm not getting any better. I've been wanting for someone to choose me. God how many times I've prayed wanting to be loved like I love others. Theres no hate in my body. I am so unloveable. I just got unlucky is what it is. I wanted to hop in here and write a somewhat informal note. Thank you sasu. Thank you for opening the doors for me. People on here have been nothing but kind. I want to apologize for anyone I have hurt or damaged throughtout my 19 years of living. Thank you for the people who were by my side, the people that stayed when others have turned their backs. I hope no one will be mad at me for being selfish. For anyone that stumbles upon this that I may know just know to never blame yourself for anything. I love you. I really wish well for everyone. And I'm sorry. In case I haven't made my updates I wish everyone well. I love you all.

The people I'd like to personally address:
-Mom if you read this just know I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. You always tried super hard to provide everything and anything to make me happy from showing up to school events to always supporting any choice I have ever made. You are the best mom in the entire world I couldn't ask for another.
-Nikki I want to say you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although I couldn't push through to see you or see you get married I wish nothing but the best and I'll haunt your wedding of course.
-Sasha don't blame yourself. You are amazing you have probably made my entire year and I hope you find the perfect person that you love and cherish. I don't have any bad blood or hate you for what you did. Thank you for loving me.
-Ethan thank you for showing me kindness and being there for me through thick and thin every breakup every problem you have been nothing but kind I really don't deserve people like you.
- Walter you are amazing. You are so deserving of everything thank you for always being there for the community and sharing your kind words and wisdom here.
I plan on doing it on Halloween if my thread doesn't update by then I have successfully succeeded. Thank you all once again for being the light in my gloomy life.
I'm sorry for this poorly written goodbye but for the 100th time I love you all.

 

[zekeyaeger]

I wish you freedom from pain, whatever method you choose.

 

[needthebus]

I want to start off with I don't think this place was meant for me. Maybe I'm saying that loosely. Almost every year on my birthday I have attempted to ctb. My birthday is the sadiest day of the year. I realize I don't have really any friends and I'm probably the most loneliest person alive. In fact that's the only award I'd ever win in my 19 years of being alive. I don't want this to feel like a sob story but to an extent I grew up with a lot of trauma. By the age of 10 I developed a eating disorder. Till this day I am trying my best to love myself but I break from time to time. I look at myself more than 30 times in the mirror. I know it's pathetic. I always got kicked out of friend groups so by the time high school hit I lost everyone and was at my lowest. I learned to be alone and was okay with loneliness. I started doing lots of pills due to me feeling like if I was asleep my thoughts,my brain, my mind would feel at ease. It's been 6 months of being sober. I have chronic stress and I'm always going back and forth to the ER because of my panic attacks. My mind is my mortal enemy, I'd like to think. I think so much, It eats me alive. I'm exhausted to say the least. The world feels so hard to be in. I feel so pathetic for wanting to ctb. I can't keep telling myself "just one more year, month, day, hour, minute, second." I'm not getting any better. I've been wanting for someone to choose me. God how many times I've prayed wanting to be loved like I love others. Theres no hate in my body. I am so unloveable. I just got unlucky is what it is. I wanted to hop in here and write a somewhat informal note. Thank you sasu. Thank you for opening the doors for me. People on here have been nothing but kind. I want to apologize for anyone I have hurt or damaged throughtout my 19 years of living. Thank you for the people who were by my side, the people that stayed when others have turned their backs. I hope no one will be mad at me for being selfish. For anyone that stumbles upon this that I may know just know to never blame yourself for anything. I love you. I really wish well for everyone. And I'm sorry. In case I haven't made my updates I wish everyone well. I love you all.

The people I'd like to personally address:
-Mom if you read this just know I'm sorry for leaving you so soon. You always tried super hard to provide everything and anything to make me happy from showing up to school events to always supporting any choice I have ever made. You are the best mom in the entire world I couldn't ask for another.
-Nikki I want to say you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although I couldn't push through to see you or see you get married I wish nothing but the best and I'll haunt your wedding of course.
-Sasha don't blame yourself. You are amazing you have probably made my entire year and I hope you find the perfect person that you love and cherish. I don't have any bad blood or hate you for what you did. Thank you for loving me.
-Ethan thank you for showing me kindness and being there for me through thick and thin every breakup every problem you have been nothing but kind I really don't deserve people like you.
- Walter you are amazing. You are so deserving of everything thank you for always being there for the community and sharing your kind words and wisdom here.
I plan on doing it on Halloween if my thread doesn't update by then I have successfully succeeded. Thank you all once again for being the light in my gloomy life.
I'm sorry for this poorly written goodbye but for the 100th time I love you all.

you sound like a cool person and so genuine. 6 months of sobriety isn't a lot of time for your brain to recover from damage caused by major drug/alcohol use, this could partly be a reaction to this and it could be easier a year from now if you decide to stay alive. do u go to AA or NA or Smart Recovery? wishing you the best whatever you decide

 

[whywere]

I wish you love and peace always.

If you have a change of heart, I am around and would love to chat with you, as you are family to/for me and your loving presence here means so much to me,

Lots of love to you always,

Walter

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the peace and relief you search for, I wish you the best.

 

[maniac116]