The end is nigh

[R_N]

Hi everyone I hope you are doing well. I will probably ctb next week if no one interrupts me and my setup doesn't fail (full suspension). I am forced to do it, my sleep is getting very bad.

For those that don't know I got severe insomnia from psych med withdrawal (prescribed antipsychotic and I only had depression). Tried to go back on it to slowly tapper but I never stabilised and recently situation got a lot worse. I am forced to do it. I got a lot of other health issues from meds and I regret ever seeking psychiatrist's help. I tried everything to sleep but nothing helps and I hate being on this disgusting drug just to sleep for a few minutes a day.

I am losing my mind. I can't do anything anymore because my brain is shutting down. I look horrible and I refuse to live like this anymore. It has been 4 months and situation only got worse. I read lots of horror stories and some people hardly ever sleep for years after this drug (olanzapine) ruined their brain. I was active on surviving antidepressants forum where people share their issues but most of them are delusional and keep saying It will get better when clearly for some people it never does. They piss me off so much. This is the only place where people accept that for some of us things will never get better only worse and that suicide is fine. They told me to seek help because I am suicidal lol. Morons. That "help" got us here in the first place. Lots of religious bullshit too about suicide being wrong.

Anyway that is about it. Don't know what else to say. It was nice being here, I wish you all the end of your suffering. I hope I can make myself do it because this is hell, I don't want to live like this anymore. I want it to end.

 

[jgm63]

I hope that you find peace.

Will you be posting a goodbye thread ?

 

[randomz]

I am sorry for your situation, it sounds horrible. Maybe there are some ways to cure your insomnia? Have you tried everything? Western and Eastern alike (like meditation or whatever). Maybe there is something you can do to fix your problem. I really hope you there is and you find it.

 

[R_N]

I hope that you find peace.

Will you be posting a goodbye thread ?

Thank you. This could be my goodbye thread I guess.

I am sorry for your situation, it sounds horrible. Maybe there are some ways to cure your insomnia? Have you tried everything? Western and Eastern alike (like meditation or whatever). Maybe there is something you can do to fix your problem. I really hope you there is and you find it.

I tried a lot of things believe me but something went wrong with my brain when I stopped the med cold turkey and since then I am unable to sleep. I thought situation could improve with time but it only got worse.

 

[21Neberg]

I'm sorry to read you've been having trouble with medication and insomnia. I have problems with insomnia too, sometimes. But for me it's more about memories that keep coming back and haunting me. Eventually I just accepted the insomnia and just got out of bed and sat behind my computer for hours lol. Don't recommend it, you'll feel even worse the next day haha. But you genuinely seem like a nice person though. I hope you'll have a nice day today, it's the least you deserve.

 

[Taran]

Hi everyone I hope you are doing well. I will probably ctb next week if no one interrupts me and my setup doesn't fail (full suspension). I am forced to do it, my sleep is getting very bad.

For those that don't know I got severe insomnia from psych med withdrawal (prescribed antipsychotic and I only had depression). Tried to go back on it to slowly tapper but I never stabilised and recently situation got a lot worse. I am forced to do it. I got a lot of other health issues from meds and I regret ever seeking psychiatrist's help. I tried everything to sleep but nothing helps and I hate being on this disgusting drug just to sleep for a few minutes a day.

I am losing my mind. I can't do anything anymore because my brain is shutting down. I look horrible and I refuse to live like this anymore. It has been 4 months and situation only got worse. I read lots of horror stories and some people hardly ever sleep for years after this drug (olanzapine) ruined their brain. I was active on surviving antidepressants forum where people share their issues but most of them are delusional and keep saying It will get better when clearly for some people it never does. They piss me off so much. This is the only place where people accept that for some of us things will never get better only worse and that suicide is fine. They told me to seek help because I am suicidal lol. Morons. That "help" got us here in the first place. Lots of religious bullshit too about suicide being wrong.

Anyway that is about it. Don't know what else to say. It was nice being here, I wish you all the end of your suffering. I hope I can make myself do it because this is hell, I don't want to live like this anymore. I want it to end.

All the best...I hope you find what your looking for...

 

[R_N]

I'm sorry to read you've been having trouble with medication and insomnia. I have problems with insomnia too, sometimes. But for me it's more about memories that keep coming back and haunting me. Eventually I just accepted the insomnia and just got out of bed and sat behind my computer for hours lol. Don't recommend it, you'll feel even worse the next day haha. But you genuinely seem like a nice person though. I hope you'll have a nice day today, it's the least you deserve.

Sorry you have problems with it also and thanks, you are a nice person as well and I wish you a nice day too.

All the best...I hope you find what your looking for...

Thank you friend I wish you the same.

 

[voyager]

Very sorry to hear it, AE. Liked your stuff and wish things had been better for you. Still hope something can turn the tide for you. Have insomnia myself, although unmedicated and so far not nearly as bad as yours, but do understand how it can become a serious problem. In fact, your story is one of many on why I'm so sceptical on trusting mental health "professionals". Way too much tinkering for my liking, and all too often with serious consequences.

Wish you well and hope you find peace one way or another.

 

[braketimez]

This sounds excruciating. What med are you on for insomnia?

 

[nerve]

I hate that you've suffered like this. I remember reading about how these drugs came to be and the shock & fear of realizing that they're prescribed so much even though no one's really sure what they do or how they work. I feel like a test subject except no one's recording any results.

It feels almost dismissive to say right now, but seeing your Chrono Cross avatar always kinda made me feel more at home here lol. "Hey, whoa, someone else remembers that game!" It's on my list of games I want to play again before I die.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I relate to what you're saying. And I hear stories like that regularly. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

 

[R_N]

Very sorry to hear it, AE. Liked your stuff and wish things had been better for you. Still hope something can turn the tide for you. Have insomnia myself, although unmedicated and so far not nearly as bad as yours, but do understand how it can become a serious problem. In fact, your story is one of many on why I'm so sceptical on trusting mental health "professionals". Way too much tinkering for my liking, and all too often with serious consequences.

Wish you well and hope you find peace one way or another.

I am glad you are at least aware of some possible consequences of taking meds, it is good to be careful. Thanks for your wishes I hoped so too but I kinda lost all hope.

This sounds excruciating. What med are you on for insomnia?

I was and still am on zyprexa (olanzapine) trying to slowly tapper but like I said after withdrawal hit me because I stopped almost cold turkey once, since then I can barely sleep even on it. And yeah it is really bad. I feel and look horrible from not sleeping. The worse is I can't even enjoy my hobbies anymore because my brain is not working.

I hate that you've suffered like this. I remember reading about how these drugs came to be and the shock & fear of realizing that they're prescribed so much even though no one's really sure what they do or how they work. I feel like a test subject except no one's recording any results.

It feels almost dismissive to say right now, but seeing your Chrono Cross avatar always kinda made me feel more at home here lol. "Hey, whoa, someone else remembers that game!" It's on my list of games I want to play again before I die.

Yeah and worse of all psychiatrists deny any withdrawal symptoms you have.
I am really glad you like CC too, it is my favorite game. I always loved jrpgs.

I relate to what you're saying. And I hear stories like that regularly. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

I am really sorry that you relate and I hope you don't have any serious issues. Thanks for wishing me peace I wish you peace as well.

 

[Otter]

Tms and ketamine are somewhat new therapies that look very promising, but they are very expensive if you have no insurance

 

[voyager]

It feels almost dismissive to say right now, but seeing your Chrono Cross avatar always kinda made me feel more at home here lol. "Hey, whoa, someone else remembers that game!" It's on my list of games I want to play again before I die.

I second that, hehe. Have sometimes kept "Corridors of Time" on loop after AE suggested it. Sounds cute. Bettering other people's lives surely can't be considered dismissive.

 

[R_N]

Tms and ketamine are somewhat new therapies that look very promising, but they are very expensive if you have no insurance

Sound interesting. Maybe I will look it up but I kinda doubt anything can help at this point.

I second that, hehe. Have sometimes kept "Corridors of Time" on loop after AE suggested it. Sounds cute. Bettering other people's lives surely can't be considered dismissive.

I am really glad you liked it. It is from Chrono Trigger, another great game.

 

[Erdapfel]

I hope you will find peace. Hanging is a hard method. I have tried partial hanging a few times a few years ago. The furthest I got was, finding myself laying on the floor, not knowing how I got there. I couldn't imagine trying full suspension.

 

[R_N]

Hey I feel kinda bad bumping this thread but I remembered this place and wanted to give an update since obviously, am still alive.

Back then I never mustered enough strength to go through it in the end and just decided to live with suicide still crossing my mind ocasionally to this day.

My sleep never got any worse, I think it is a little bit better actually. I am not back to my old self ofc but at least my brain works except some short term memory issues but nothing too serious.
I did develop dry eyes over the time but that also is not as bad as it was. They don't look healthy tho because my sleep is not adequate. I do feel sleepy now and that came back recently which I think helps somewhat.

I saw some of the people i spoke to may have ctb'd which pains me because I wish I came back earlier to at least talk to them once or something before they do. I hope they found peace regardless one way or the other in the end.

This is not my recovery story by any means, I am still suicidal and complete failure but at least I had some fun and was able to during these years, with escapism mostly.


I wish everyone well, existence can be hell and I am still antinatalist and think all the suffering is not really worth it tbh. It is like an endless cycle and every birth is a death sentence regardless if we go now or later, not to mention the journey to get there which even in best case scenarios will contain suffering.

Stoicism can help to cope better in my own experience but it is still pointless effort in the end. Not every hell pays of, but if we are still here there is nothing else to do than try to deal with life in our own ways until we either can't or die from a natural cause.

Sorry I should have kept it shorter but I felt like posting and speaking my mind so I did.

 

[MentalStefan]

That's horrible, I'm so sorry to hear that... Although it's very good to hear that you're feeling at least a bit better. I hope you will find peace you deserve either in life or in ctb'ing.

 

[voyager]

Welcome back, @Angelus Errare :)

Yeah, I recall you had these massive sleep problems. You literally said you couldn't sleep at all and I did in fact wonder, if you had ultimately ctb'd because of it. Got them pretty bad too around that time, and again now, but different. So, yeah, feel you. Escapism is indeed a wonderful thing as long as it's viable. Glad you're ok'ish, and that you've had some fun. Ultimately, that's what it's all about, and why, despite everything, I never really became an anti-natalist.

Instead, once the fun's over, we should simply have access to suitable means of euthanasia we please in an environment and timeframe of our choosing, without any interference whatsoever. Of course, in a civilised world this would be general societal consensus, with pro-lifers being ostracised and forced into manufacture of these means. Mmh..., yes.

But I'm rambling. Hope you remain on top of things and find the best path that suits you!