Manaaja
euROPE
- Sep 10, 2018
- 1,382
Yesterday I got an automated text message that I have some sort of appointment tomorrow (it didn't tell me what kind or with whom) at the hospital (where my psychologist is located).
I called the hospital twice, but no one answered. I sent three long text messages to my psychologist (or psychiatric nurse, but psychologist is shorter to type). I sent him three really long text messages. I asked him what the message was about. I told him that we have no appointments that I know of, I thought the message was an error (maybe someone had accidentally wrote that I have an appointment), and told him that in any case, I can't come, because I'm having fever-like symptoms (the corona situation is really bad in my area right now, so according to the leaders of the country we shouldn't even have any appointments until the corona situation has gotten better even if I was healthy), and that I haven't slept at all because of all the stress; this newish apartment has that damn air condition which makes a lot of noise, the traffic and lights keep me up, I'm in the middle of finding a new home, I want to get rid of the current "caretaker" and get a new caretaker who is good and knows about asperger and/or ADD, I have contacted all sorts of asperger groups and institutions, I have sought help from everywhere and sent so many messages to everyone. I told him that I want a new caretaker but I don't know how to get rid of the current one and I asked him to please find out how to get a new caretaker and kick out the current one plus many more reasons.
How did he answer? Well, honk honk, clown world. Today he bitched why I didn't come to the meeting where he, the care taker, and a social worker were. He did in no way react to those three really long text messages I had sent. I'm really angry since I contacted them 5 times yesterday! 2 calls, 3 text messages! And no one reacted to them in any way. As if I had never sent them, even though my phone clearly tells me that I have called twice and sent the three messages. I don't know what to reply to him. I feel like it doesn't even matter what I say.
If I had been there I could have complained about that awful caretaker and demanded a new one. I could have complained about the psychologist and demanded a new one. I could have complained about the psychiatrists and demanded a new one. We had one of those "network meetings" or whatever half a year ago. Of course I missed that one too. Because I had no idea that we were having a meeting. And even if I did, I was really ill and couldn't go. And even if I was healthy, it was a really bad corona situation in our area, so it would have been unwise to meet. I can't understand why we can't have skype meetings. This is how the meetings should be arranged. I tell them I need a meeting, I tell them something like "I want it soon, and it needs to be in afternoon because I sleep in the morning, I want a video chat on computer because the corona situation is really bad, I often have sicknesses and imsomnia, and it's hard for me to come to the meetings because of my asperger and ADD" and then they come up with a date. Instead I'm the one person who is not in the know. The psychologist and care taker come up with a meeting behind my back, inform me if they remember, and then complain how I couldn't remember a meeting and how I didn't come to a meeting they only told me about once half a year ago. Fucking circus. My previous psychologist, though there were many things I didn't like about him, at least he had some brains in his head. He always send me a text message a few days prior "Hey, since you probably forgot all about it, I text you to inform you that we'll have a network meeting on Tuesday." He didn't come up with those meetings behind my back. And he was a man of action. If I complained about something, he'd take care of it for me. He knew that since I have asperger, ADD, and huge social anxieties, that I'm really bad at all social things, so he would be my "mouth". He'd call electric companies, water companies, the care takers, he'd complain in my stead. The new one is like "Why has this person complained about the same things for a year now? Why do they keep insisting that they need help? Well, whatever. Not my problem.".
I got a meltdown, fell to the floor, cried, and called a crisis line. (I wasn't suicidal in the moment, just completely utterly broken, I didn't even mention suicide, no worries.) The woman there was really nice and helpful until the call suddenly ended. I don't know if she accidentally pressed some button or if my or her phone malfunctioned or whatever. I have called the crisis line before and had hour long conversations and we had only talked for about 25 minutes. So I doubt it was some sort of automatic time limit. So that was really damn nice - not!
I really needed to talk to someone, anyone, so I did a stupid thing and called my narc mom, who of course, because I am always the scapegoat and every one else is perfect unless the rare person happens to be on my side and defend me, got really angry. Complained that I was the one bitching about everything, told me no one wants to hear my bitching, raged when I called my psychiatric nurse an idiot, told me how every person is a good person except for me. Thanks, bitch.
I contacted an asperger organization in my area and told them that I want a psychologist, psychiatrist and caretaker who know about asperger, but the answer was "I'm really sorry to hear that your going through a lot right now. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help. But I did see an add on a newspaper about some asperger help course. Maybe try to join that course?". Of course joining the course requires a lot of work. (Lots of documents to fill, some paper's from a doctor, then waiting for months to know if I got accepted). I thought they'd be the ones to know most since they are the asperger and autism organization in this area. Instead they were almost as helpless as a fish on land.
Then I called the national autism organization. Did they help? Not much. Just told me to try and apply to disabled people's services or something. She told me because I have asperger and ADD I belong to the disabled services not the social services. Really "nice" to hear that after 10 years. And really "nice" to just tell me to do lots of paperwork, wait for months, and hope that I get accepted.
The rope looks nicer and more helpful than any person I have met in the past 12 months. I have thought about moving away from Finland. I can't take this anymore. But would my life be better if I moved away? Could I even move away? I have so many reasons to ctb, and so few to live. The only reasons I still live are survival instinct and fear of death.
The worst thing about not getting help is that after time you start to feel like you don't even want help. Your mind automatically knows you won't get any help from anywhere, so it lies to you that you don't want any help. You fear that things won't get better and so you think that you don't even want them to get better. I really wish a literal angel came here. I'm feeling so bad, as if I was going to puke my bad feelings out of my mouth. I really wish a good miracle happened. And somehow, someone, something, helps me and saves me. Thank goodness ctb exists. To know there's a way out. Even if it is hard to walk through that door.
This is like some sort of live-action Evangelion, though with less angels and mechas, and more bad and/or unhelpful people. This all seems so unreal. It's like my soul went to afterlife, and I'm just a husk left in here. I want to join my soul in a better world.
I called the hospital twice, but no one answered. I sent three long text messages to my psychologist (or psychiatric nurse, but psychologist is shorter to type). I sent him three really long text messages. I asked him what the message was about. I told him that we have no appointments that I know of, I thought the message was an error (maybe someone had accidentally wrote that I have an appointment), and told him that in any case, I can't come, because I'm having fever-like symptoms (the corona situation is really bad in my area right now, so according to the leaders of the country we shouldn't even have any appointments until the corona situation has gotten better even if I was healthy), and that I haven't slept at all because of all the stress; this newish apartment has that damn air condition which makes a lot of noise, the traffic and lights keep me up, I'm in the middle of finding a new home, I want to get rid of the current "caretaker" and get a new caretaker who is good and knows about asperger and/or ADD, I have contacted all sorts of asperger groups and institutions, I have sought help from everywhere and sent so many messages to everyone. I told him that I want a new caretaker but I don't know how to get rid of the current one and I asked him to please find out how to get a new caretaker and kick out the current one plus many more reasons.
How did he answer? Well, honk honk, clown world. Today he bitched why I didn't come to the meeting where he, the care taker, and a social worker were. He did in no way react to those three really long text messages I had sent. I'm really angry since I contacted them 5 times yesterday! 2 calls, 3 text messages! And no one reacted to them in any way. As if I had never sent them, even though my phone clearly tells me that I have called twice and sent the three messages. I don't know what to reply to him. I feel like it doesn't even matter what I say.
If I had been there I could have complained about that awful caretaker and demanded a new one. I could have complained about the psychologist and demanded a new one. I could have complained about the psychiatrists and demanded a new one. We had one of those "network meetings" or whatever half a year ago. Of course I missed that one too. Because I had no idea that we were having a meeting. And even if I did, I was really ill and couldn't go. And even if I was healthy, it was a really bad corona situation in our area, so it would have been unwise to meet. I can't understand why we can't have skype meetings. This is how the meetings should be arranged. I tell them I need a meeting, I tell them something like "I want it soon, and it needs to be in afternoon because I sleep in the morning, I want a video chat on computer because the corona situation is really bad, I often have sicknesses and imsomnia, and it's hard for me to come to the meetings because of my asperger and ADD" and then they come up with a date. Instead I'm the one person who is not in the know. The psychologist and care taker come up with a meeting behind my back, inform me if they remember, and then complain how I couldn't remember a meeting and how I didn't come to a meeting they only told me about once half a year ago. Fucking circus. My previous psychologist, though there were many things I didn't like about him, at least he had some brains in his head. He always send me a text message a few days prior "Hey, since you probably forgot all about it, I text you to inform you that we'll have a network meeting on Tuesday." He didn't come up with those meetings behind my back. And he was a man of action. If I complained about something, he'd take care of it for me. He knew that since I have asperger, ADD, and huge social anxieties, that I'm really bad at all social things, so he would be my "mouth". He'd call electric companies, water companies, the care takers, he'd complain in my stead. The new one is like "Why has this person complained about the same things for a year now? Why do they keep insisting that they need help? Well, whatever. Not my problem.".
I got a meltdown, fell to the floor, cried, and called a crisis line. (I wasn't suicidal in the moment, just completely utterly broken, I didn't even mention suicide, no worries.) The woman there was really nice and helpful until the call suddenly ended. I don't know if she accidentally pressed some button or if my or her phone malfunctioned or whatever. I have called the crisis line before and had hour long conversations and we had only talked for about 25 minutes. So I doubt it was some sort of automatic time limit. So that was really damn nice - not!
I really needed to talk to someone, anyone, so I did a stupid thing and called my narc mom, who of course, because I am always the scapegoat and every one else is perfect unless the rare person happens to be on my side and defend me, got really angry. Complained that I was the one bitching about everything, told me no one wants to hear my bitching, raged when I called my psychiatric nurse an idiot, told me how every person is a good person except for me. Thanks, bitch.
I contacted an asperger organization in my area and told them that I want a psychologist, psychiatrist and caretaker who know about asperger, but the answer was "I'm really sorry to hear that your going through a lot right now. Unfortunately, I don't know how to help. But I did see an add on a newspaper about some asperger help course. Maybe try to join that course?". Of course joining the course requires a lot of work. (Lots of documents to fill, some paper's from a doctor, then waiting for months to know if I got accepted). I thought they'd be the ones to know most since they are the asperger and autism organization in this area. Instead they were almost as helpless as a fish on land.
Then I called the national autism organization. Did they help? Not much. Just told me to try and apply to disabled people's services or something. She told me because I have asperger and ADD I belong to the disabled services not the social services. Really "nice" to hear that after 10 years. And really "nice" to just tell me to do lots of paperwork, wait for months, and hope that I get accepted.
The rope looks nicer and more helpful than any person I have met in the past 12 months. I have thought about moving away from Finland. I can't take this anymore. But would my life be better if I moved away? Could I even move away? I have so many reasons to ctb, and so few to live. The only reasons I still live are survival instinct and fear of death.
The worst thing about not getting help is that after time you start to feel like you don't even want help. Your mind automatically knows you won't get any help from anywhere, so it lies to you that you don't want any help. You fear that things won't get better and so you think that you don't even want them to get better. I really wish a literal angel came here. I'm feeling so bad, as if I was going to puke my bad feelings out of my mouth. I really wish a good miracle happened. And somehow, someone, something, helps me and saves me. Thank goodness ctb exists. To know there's a way out. Even if it is hard to walk through that door.
This is like some sort of live-action Evangelion, though with less angels and mechas, and more bad and/or unhelpful people. This all seems so unreal. It's like my soul went to afterlife, and I'm just a husk left in here. I want to join my soul in a better world.
