Discussion The double edged sword of CTB...

[Sleeper System]

You don't get to confirm that it worked and you don't get the sense of relief that that knowledge brings.
The moments before you CTB are very important. You have to come to terms with the above fact.
You have to be at peace with yourself and hope that it works out.

We only want the endless sleep that death brings because we know what it's like to be awake.
Without the awarness to distinguish one state of being from the other. I see no reason how it could be pleasurable.
This scares me a little because I really rely on that sense of relief to guide me into the dark.

If you agree please let me know. If you don't then please provide your thoughts about this.

 

[Unattainable666]

You don't get to confirm that it worked and you don't get the sense of relief that that knowledge brings.
The moments before you CTB are very important. You have to come to terms with the above fact.
You have to be at peace with yourself and hope that it works out.

We only want the endless sleep that death brings because we know what it's like to be awake.
Without the awarness to distinguish one state of being from the other. I see no reason how it could be pleasurable.
This scares me a little because I really rely on that sense of relief to guide me into the dark.

If you agree please let me know. If you don't then please provide your thoughts about this.

View attachment 124643

I tried to ctb saturday night. I was prepared to go. But I was afraid actually terrified. But someone on this site (another member) made me realize that I would be out of the fucking pain I've been in for half a century. The emotional pain, the tears, missing my little girl, being rejected over and over again, hating myself for the rejection, the loneliness, the absolute hatred f my life. Personally my only hope is that next time I try I accomplish the deed

 

[illAF]

You don't get to confirm that it worked and you don't get the sense of relief that that knowledge brings.
The moments before you CTB are very important. You have to come to terms with the above fact.
You have to be at peace with yourself and hope that it works out.

We only want the endless sleep that death brings because we know what it's like to be awake.
Without the awarness to distinguish one state of being from the other. I see no reason how it could be pleasurable.
This scares me a little because I really rely on that sense of relief to guide me into the dark.

If you agree please let me know. If you don't then please provide your thoughts about this.

View attachment 124643

I'm not entirely sure I got all you said but if I did, that's a very interesting thought, thank you.

All I can say is that a few minutes before closing my eyes with one of my serious attempt (it was not so serious as it was alcohol + OD + cutting wrists and just couldn't work but at that time, I had zero knowledge and was sure it could work, that's why I consider it as serious) I felt an intense sensation of peace and calm. A huge relief. It was surely one of the most pleasant experience I ever had in my life. Just before closing my eyes.

So yes, you can not feel the relief once you're dead but of your method allows it, maybe you can feel it just before.

(I hope my answer makes sense with what you said, sorry if I misunderstood)

 

[Sleeper System]

I tried to ctb saturday night. I was prepared to go. But I was afraid actually terrified. But someone on this site (another member) made me realize that I would be out of the fucking pain I've been in for half a century. The emotional pain, the tears, missing my little girl, being rejected over and over again, hating myself for the rejection, the loneliness, the absolute hatred f my life. Personally my only hope is that next time I try I accomplish the deed

I'm sorry to hear that bro. Really. Failing an attempt feels like an even worse feeling than wanting to.
Do you mind if I ask what exactly you ended up doing and what happened?

 

[illAF]

I'm not entirely sure I got all you said but if I did, that's a very interesting thought, thank you.

All I can say is that a few minutes before closing my eyes with one of my serious attempt (it was not so serious as it was alcohol + OD + cutting wrists and just couldn't work but at that time, I had zero knowledge and was sure it could work, that's why I consider it as serious) I felt an intense sensation of peace and calm. A huge relief. It was surely one of the most pleasant experience I ever had in my life. Just before closing my eyes.

So yes, you can not feel the relief once you're dead but of your method allows it, maybe you can feel it just before.

(I hope my answer makes sense with what you said, sorry if I misunderstood)

I have to add there that I ODed with a lot of benzos so obviously I was calm. Not sure we can experience this kind of serenity with other methods unfortunately... But I still hope I can find it before I die. Its my dream. Going in peace.

 

[Unattainable666]

I'm sorry to hear that bro. Really. Failing an attempt feels like an even worse feeling than wanting to.
Do you mind if I ask what exactly you ended up doing and what happened?

btw I'm female not that it matters. I took an overdose of pain pills, passed out didnt wake up til Sunday night.. I can't tell you how overwhelmed with hate for myself I had - because I failed.

 

[Sleeper System]

I have to add there that I ODed with a lot of benzos so obviously I was calm. Not sure we can experience this kind of serenity with other methods unfortunately... But I still hope I can find it before I die. Its my dream. Going in peace.

I think it takes a cominations of methods to achieve a peaceful ctb so I think your mind was in the right place. It's just missing that final nail on the coffin. Something that would have ensured an ending. If there was a way to take a bullet to the leg and not feel the pain then that would be a good nail.

btw I'm female not that it matters. I took an overdose of pain pills, passed out didnt wake up til Sunday night.. I can't tell you how overwhelmed with hate for myself I had - because I failed.

Where did you do it? In bed? I can only imagine the frustration. I'm sorry.
When you woke up what was the first second and third thing you did?

 

[Unattainable666]

I think it takes a cominations of methods to achieve a peaceful ctb so I think your mind was in the right place. It's just missing that final nail on the coffin. Something that would have ensured an ending. If there was a way to take a bullet to the leg and not feel the pain then that would be a good nail.

Where did you do it? In bed? I can only imagine the frustration. I'm sorry.
When you woke up what was the first second and third thing you did?

I threw up and checked on my cat - in that order

 

[Sleeper System]

I threw up and checked on my cat - in that order

That's low key funny. I feel like personally I would throw up, have a shower to regulate my body temp, then down a bunch of cold water, then check on the cat, then lay in bed and contemplate.

 

[Unattainable666]

That's low key funny. I feel like personally I would throw up, have a shower to regulate my body temp, then down a bunch of cold water, then check on the cat, then lay in bed and contemplate.

I could barely stand so I knew I couldn't shower and honestly all I could do was see if the cat had food and flopped back into bed to sleep. Just another adventure in my shit show life.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Yes unfortunately no relief after death ( if we acknowledge that there is nothing after death ), the nothingness will not bring any kind of comfort it will just cease any perception, memories, emotions. It is an inconceivable thing for an human mind. The only true relief i know i sleeping.

 

[Sleeper System]

Yes unfortunately no relief after death ( if we acknowledge that there is nothing after death ), the nothingness will not bring any kind of comfort it will just cease any perception, memories, emotions. It is an inconceivable thing for an human mind. The only true relief i know i sleeping.

Sleep helps. That's why dying in your sleep seems so optimal and peaceful.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I agree. That's why I like the idea of me being dead actually. Because there's *nothing*. No peace, no emotions, no thinking. It sounds blissful when thinking about it when I'm alive (which is right now obviously). Death suits a person like me. I never wanted to think, never wanted to feel, never wanted to be

 

[Sleeper System]

I agree. That's why I like the idea of me being dead actually. Because there's *nothing*. No peace, no emotions, no thinking. It sounds blissful when thinking about it when I'm alive (which is right now obviously). Death suits a person like me. I never wanted to think, never wanted to feel, never wanted to be.

I will miss a lot of things about being alive but nothing good comes with nothing bad so in the end death is probably the better choice.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

All I can say is that a few minutes before closing my eyes with one of my serious attempt (it was not so serious as it was alcohol + OD + cutting wrists and just couldn't work but at that time, I had zero knowledge and was sure it could work, that's why I consider it as serious) I felt an intense sensation of peace and calm. A huge relief. It was surely one of the most pleasant experience I ever had in my life. Just before closing my eyes.

So yes, you can not feel the relief once you're dead but of your method allows it, maybe you can feel it just before.

IMO, it's the confidence in your method that gave you this feeling of peace and calm. The confidence probably came from your naivety at the time (correct me if I'm wrong).

Now that we know suicide is not that easy, I find it impossible to approach it with peace and calm.

If I was 100% sure my method was painless and efficient, I probably could. That's what I think having N at hand would bring. Peace and calm. And control.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes- like you say- it's an experience we likely won't feel as peaceful- despite us using that term. I think we'll be incredibly lucky to experience much sense of peace during the act either. Most methods seem to induce fear and pain to varying degrees. I guess it's just that whole looking forward to the lack of something. The lack of pain and suffering in life, the lack of fear/anxiety about the future. The lack of having anymore responsibilities. We may not actually experience that sense of relief and being free but I suppose just the thought of not having to wake up day after day and face it can seem reassuring enough.