Story The decline of my music hobby (piano playing)

[TAW122]

In my 2020 suicidefuel thread, I listed the major reasons (list not exhaustive nor conclusive) that are pressing and major factors contributing to me wanting to CTB. It is reason #2, which is basically my performance anxiety and constant loss of concentration/focus that ruined my hobby for me. So with that said, here is my story with a summary of all the events that culminated to the decline and eventual waning of my hobby.

Brief Background
I started piano as a young kid, around age 8-9 or so. I had enjoyed success with my hobby from childhood all the way to adulthood, (until just the last year(s) or so.) During the course of two decades, I have taken lessons for almost a decade, two of which were under famous professors/teachers from well known universities. Also, I have competed before and while I never won any awards nor scholarship money, I had excelled greatly and made many milestones that I would never have dreamed of... At my peak, I was able to play very difficult repertoire (think like full Beethoven Sonatas and Mozart Sonatas), then sometime it declined. During my peak or around then (which was around my late teens to maybe very early 20's), I had no difficulty playing in front a people nor even doing recordings. I was very confident and had immense focus on my repertoire and no problems while performing.

However, all that changed in my mid to late 20's as my skill, my ability, my performance tanked during the time that counts the most (performance, recording, and what not). I am not a music student but I have lots of knowledge about the piano over the year. Before you try to trivialize or jump to conclusions about what "may" be the cause of this problem, please hear me out first.

Piano Hobby Disaster
I cannot pinpoint the exact cause(s) or when the problem started, but sometime around 2017 or 2018 perhaps. Things haven't improved since then. I had performed in front of an audience and at a venue that is low key, low risk, and familiar music. Mind you, I've come as prepared as I can be (practiced tremendously and didn't cram, had ample time to prepare, during practice runs were good and I was satisfied, etc.), but when the moment came to The final nail in the coffin (or the last straw, the final straw) for me was when I tried to record my playing at a recording studio. I never had such a problem in the past before. The piano was good, the recording equipment was good, the engineer was good, but something was amiss. When I sat down to record I felt as though my concentration slipped, anxiety went up from no where, focusing and just getting through the piece was a chore, despite having been as prepared as I could be (even during practice runs things were much better, much more in control). I don't know where and how the hell this came to be, it never happened in the past and suddenly (at least the last few years ago), it became a major issue and it's only getting worse. I've looked for many solutions, including musicians I know IRL, musicians on music forums, and also ordered a book that deals with performance related problems as well as music (and other applicable fields). It didn't do much to resolve my issue and in fact, my anxiety, sudden loss of concentration, focus, and other internal/external factor.

After such strings of failures and a continuous spiral of decline, I have resigned myself to being just a listener of music. Therefeore, I would only enjoy listening and watching other perform, rather than performing myself, which is a tremendous loss of all the years of playing and enjoyment I get from it. Losing my ability to pursue my hobby the way I want to, properly, and on my own terms is an major reason towards CTB. If I had many other problems (not counting basic needs for survival such as food, shelter, clothing, utility needs, and what not), then I would have held off CTB much longer and lived for many more years. While the social problems and Aspergers condition alone make life unbearable, my piano hobby cope is a big one and would have easily pushed back (not fully prevent) CTB until much later. Losing such a major hobby and important aspect of life only brings me much closer to my doom and demise.

Then again, on the other hand, perhaps the decline and (possibly) death of my hobby may be a blessing in disguise, from another perspective. Perhaps it may open me up to other hobbies that I otherwise avoided in the past due to wanting to protect my hands from injury (as well as avoiding loud activities to protect my hearing/ears). Mind you though, it isn't really something I wish to have happened nor planned for. I just didn't anticipate this being such a major issue nor expected my enjoyment of my hobby to go awry. While I could just play for my enjoyment, it simply isn't so, because I have my own standards and if I fail to meet them, then the hobby is no longer 'fun' for me. It's not necessarily just pleasing others (audience) be it a performance or recording, but being able to meet my own personal goals.

 

[oxymoron]

I feel you. I used to play my electric guitar for hours at a strech, ripping on those drop D riffs. Now, I look at my guitar and walk away. Depression is the worst thing to have ever happened to mankind.

 

[Epsilon0]

While I could just play for my enjoyment, it simply isn't so, because I have my own standards and if I fail to meet them, then the hobby is no longer 'fun' for me.


I understand what you mean. I have also stopped doing things I enjoyed because of some (absurd, in my case) notion of the level of perfection I failed to attain.

 

[Disintegration]

It's cool. Just a realization about how absurd life and everything we do in it really is. Whats the point? For real

 

[BabyYoda]

I started playing piano at 6, then stopped at 8. I only came back last year because Undertale and other RPG music inspired me to play again. Then I joined my university,'s orchestra to improve my skills. Keep in mind that I am not considered a pro player. They said they accepted all kinds of players but at the start of our rehearsals they expected me to play this difficult piece ON THE SPOT. They should have remembered that I played a very simple piece during the assessment. The conductor and the other players stopped every time I made a mistake. Why couldn't I play it? Because I couldn't fucking practice with other members and I wasn't used to keeping up with the proper tempo.

When I told my section head about this she was unable to wrap her head around why I can't just play a new piece on the spot. I can sight read, but not play with two hands instantly without practicing the right hand first. Then I stopped participating in playing piano during rehearsals. I was asked to do the percussion instruments (again, on the spot) but I was not able to do that as well. I felt that my arm was going to fall off while playing the shaker.

Eventually I stopped attending rehearsals overall. This happened to my friend since she had difficulty sight reading. Attending this orchestra killed the last bit of passion I had for piano.

 

[TAW122]

Just as an addendum to my story and the decline. As mentioned in my post, I stated that if I had my hobby intact just like I was at my peak or at least close to it and held onto it like I always did for the last two decades, then it would allow me to hold onto life longer, or at least give me just enough to stave off CTB for at least a few years or more. Before anyone asks, I suppose I will just preemptively answer this question (before it's asked) and it's "why don't I seek professional help for my performance anxiety problem and loss of focus problems?" Well the simple answer is, first off, I don't believe that there is (absolutely) a solution for me, and even if (we pretend for a second that) there is, there are problems with cost, time, and energy. The amount of money would easily be hundreds or thousands of dollars before I find a good/right one, then of course going through dozens or almost hundreds could take years and I simply don't have that time nor patience. My energy is better spent elsewhere.

Anyways, I don't want to veer off too far in that tangent as I had discussed in more detail in my other threads about the ineffectiveness of therapists, counselors, and psychiatry in general.

@oxymoron I'm sorry to hear that and while I don't play guitar, I play piano and I missed being able to play cleanly and effortlessly and be really even on the passages, runs of certain repertoire.

@Epsilon0 Yeah that pretty much sums up my current state of my hobby, I've not only failed to improve from where I expected to, things gotten progressively worse both performance-wise and technique-wise. I suppose part it had to do with my busier life as an adult too.

@BabyYoda Sorry to hear about your story too, it seemed like your passion for your hobby died as well.

 

[omoidarui]

I feel like I'm asking a stupid question but can't you play for your own enjoyment and still have goals? You can still learn difficult repertoire if that's what you mean, you don't have to perform it if you don't wish to do so. You don't have to perform at all as a hobbyist or even as a professional (as most of them derive their income from teaching).

Pros make mistakes in recordings too, but they're edited out. If you record yourself all the time, even your practice sessions, and constantly listen back, you can become more accustomed to it. You can just start over if you're not happy with something. Also a visual recording. I found that I had bad posture when playing in front of others because I cared so much about not making a mistake, when in actual reality tension is far worse than wrong notes. Tension of any kind makes it harder to play right notes. You probably already considered all this if you're at a high level, I'm suggesting this just in case because I didn't realise how bad my posture had gotten until I actually saw myself. I was like, no wonder it feels harder playing for others.

Personally, I was becoming way too engrossed in the details of the music that I wasn't listening to the sound I was creating as a whole. Being detail-oriented is good for learning, but will lead to tension in performance. I learned to sing whilst accompanying myself, and it made me focus on something other than the piano playing, which made that part feel more trivial (and conversely, easier). Again, you may have considered this, I'm just saying it because it worked for me. I'm a hobbyist too, but I've just finished learning Reflets dans l'eau.

I don't feel like seeking professional help would've been the answer anyway. You don't pursue the feeling of being at ease, you just let it happen if that makes any sense.

When I told my section head about this she was unable to wrap her head around why I can't just play a new piece on the spot. I can sight read, but not play with two hands instantly without practicing the right hand first.

That's a compliment that you would be considered for a school orchestra after only 3(?) years of learning.

You say you can sight read, but not play two hands without practicing the right hand first, that IS sight-reading. Also, when you're sight-reading, you don't really play what's written. The other instrumentalists are too focused on what they're doing to care, they just want a pulse and a key. You can get used to just... playing and making half of it up as you go along. It's fun.

If they expected you to play pristinely on the first try, then that's absurd and I don't blame you for being annoyed.

 

[TAW122]

@omoidarui The answer your questions, no I don't just play for my enjoyment because I have very high standards of what is considered good to me and if I fall short of that, then I will not be satisfied. I don't plan on performing at all, but of course, I would like to record a good take but the fact that I couldn't even do that (after dozens and dozens of takes and retakes), is the breaking point for me. So until I somehow resolve this "chronically worsening anxiety and whatever else that is causing me to do poorly during times that counts (live performances or recordings), I will always have this problem.

As for pros who do recordings, yes they do make mistakes but there are three categories of mistakes, green, yellow, and red light mistakes. Briefly summarized, greenlight mistakes are very subtle mistakes that can be easily ignored and wouldn't compromise the performance or recording (e.g. making a very subtle note mistake like being too flat or too sharp), yellow light mistakes are more obvious mistakes that may compromise the quality of it but doesn't really seriously impact the performance or recording (e.g. having rhythm issues or split second stutter but quick recovery, almost seamlessly), and finally red light mistakes are the glaringly obvious ones and will negatively impact a performance or recording (e.g. technical issues that would immediately ruin a performance or recording, lack of focus and concentration, performance anxiety leading to stopping in the middle of performance). See this link here for more details.

For your last part, yes I agree with you that professional help isn't necessarily the answer. The biggest problem for me is finding the real cause(s) for my performance anxiety and loss of concentration/focus. I have yet to find the root cause(s) and it's only getting worse rather than better. Plus, no matter how much I prepare or practice (I sound much better when I practice) I still fuck up even on the most technically simplistic pieces.

 

[omoidarui]

This isn't unique, nearly every musician gets this, but it can be overcome to an extent. Propanolol helped me, it's not the solution in the long term but I used it for special occasions. There's so many potential causes/solutions. You can overpractice and then you become so accustomed to what you did when you practiced, that when it comes to the real thing, when things are invariably different like the weight of the piano keys, your hands forget what to do entirely. So the aim of practice is to change something each time, however subtle, so you know you're covered if something is different in a performance which it probably will be.

For me when my posture improved, it made a great difference. If you care too much about reaching a goal, in music, you'll never get there.. caring creates tension. When I let myself stop caring and enjoyed it more I was able to play things I couldn't before. Everything needs to feel easy even if it's not. I haven't tried this, but jazz improvisation probably helps too. And again, singing whilst playing. It helps you play whilst being distracted (because performing a piano solo with an audience is distracting). I wouldn't know what your individual cause is, but I feel like one of these things could help if you're open to them.

Glaring mistakes happen for me when I focus too much on what my hands are doing. You need to focus on the sound only, and play as if from your shoulders. This helped me get rid of 'red light' mistakes completely.

 

[TAW122]

Thanks @omoidarui and I will be keeping this in mind if/should I decide to resurrect and seriously pursue my hobby again. For the time being, I'm just rotting away and waiting for this whole coronavirus shit to pass and eventually CTB.

 

[TAW122]

Just as a small mention, another thing that further discouraged and demotivated me is non-musicians saying a bunch of ignorant shit and thinking they are "helpful, helping, or encouraging". I don't like it when people give the fake pity or shit, it just irks me even more so. Basically repeating platitudes and bullshit without considering the situation. Like "oh just practice more!", "you just gotta keep at it!", or asinine shit like that. I know they are trying to be helpful, but really what happens is I just get more frustrated and feel more pressure to do better and end up being more miserable as a result.

Here is one such example of such stupidity bellowed by an smart ass, nit-picking idiot. Well actually he was friendly to me, but annoying and gets on my nerves a lot. Especially when he treats me like a child and patronizes me.

Friendly smart ass: *clap clap clap* That's great, awesome!
Me: Bleh, just warming up. A few mistakes to work out.
Friendly smart ass: Hey you know, practice makes perfect! Just gotta keep practicing dude!

(Me gets into argument or trying to set things straight). Anyways, sorry this wasn't the best example provided, but basically patronizing and smart-ass like behavior just irritates me, especially when it comes to my music hobby which I take very, very seriously.

The thing is that he treats me like a child and I just fucking HATE it when people do that, especially when it comes to things they don't fucking understand. I try to correct people like that, but sometimes, I fall on deaf ears, but I digress.

 

[Eden4]

I was interested in this post because I played the piano (not good-self taught) and in my graduate school last month I had to diagnose and write a prescription for performance anxiety. Was really easy for my "case study". Therapy and Xanax were my choices, since my fake patient only had performance anxiety once a month when she did public speaking. Her problem was fixed according to my teacher. Isn't it like that in the real world too? Lol

 

[TAW122]

I was interested in this post because I played the piano (not good-self taught) and in my graduate school last month I had to diagnose and write a prescription for performance anxiety. Was really easy for my "case study". Therapy and Xanax were my choices, since my fake patient only had performance anxiety once a month when she did public speaking. Her problem was fixed according to my teacher. Isn't it like that in the real world too? Lol

Interesting case study and I don't deny that medication doesn't help musicians or other performers. While it can help, there are side-effects and other (potentially) new problems that may arise from doing so, which is why I don't see it as a first resort. Mind you, if someone had to pass an important exam or concert, performance, and/or just does music for a living, professionally, then yes I could see it being used. Some of these side effects can include, but aren't limited to loss of creativity, dependency and tolerance (over a long period of time) thus reducing it's effectiveness and requiring stronger prescriptions and/or other drugs. It's just not something I wish to go down towards because it is a cycle of dependency and just another host of more problems on top of existing ones.

Oh and there is also no guarantee that it would solve my "problems". I think I'm more in agreeance with @omoidarui when it comes to these problems. I have no plans to continue seriously pursuing my hobby other than to finish up my open project (when I get a chance), then after that, I'm going to go into dormant mode on my hobby and (hopefully) revive from the bottom up.