The death instinct and the life instinct

[wordsonscreen]

Both exist in me- in all of us. Wanting to leave has been a road I have been walking on for a very very very long time. The same hands that feed me and keep me alive spend the evening writing suicide notes moving me closer to my exit. How odd to exist in such a way... to move so fiercely towards death and life, both. On one desktop I am checking application status for PhD programs and, on another, I am perfecting my SN regimen. I'm not anti-life. I love life (on a fundamental level). I think suicide has dignity and humanity. Suicide can be more humane than life itself. While I adore the ability to witness and feel such a vast spectrum of experience, I am finding mercy and compassion in the instinct to die. It is odd how they exist simultaneously. I'm finding that language itself is limiting in describing this duality. The death instinct, to me, feels like an inclination towards a nowhere or at least somewhere not here.

This feels surreal. And I feel lucky to have a community to share these things with.
I can't imagine leaving without ever uttering a word about it to anyone.

This universe is strange.

 

[us_1999]

Me too. During the intense days I feel anxious and unsettled all the time, and I'll struggle harder both for living and for preparing to die. During numb days I am...simply numb and empty. In order to move out of the numbness I tend to let myself sink into negative thoughts. Then pain will make me active and suicidal at the same time.

 

[wordsonscreen]

Me too. During the intense days I feel anxious and unsettled all the time, and I'll struggle harder both for living and for preparing to die. During numb days I am...simply numb and empty. In order to move out of the numbness I tend to let myself sink into negative thoughts. Then pain will make me active and suicidal at the same time.

This resonates a lot with me! Pain feels like the only motivator left in me. Unsettled, numb, pain- this cycle if familiar. Sending you so much love as you navigate this <3

 

[WornOutLife]

This universe is strange.

It certainly is! I even read this theory about the universe being fake haha.
We'll probably be dead before we can become a Type IV Civilization (you know, travel to other planets and galaxies very easily). Maybe in that way, we could understand more about the universe, life and death.

Anyway, perhaps when we die, we'll find something out. (or simply won't exist anymore.)

 

[wordsonscreen]

It certainly is! I even read this theory about the universe being fake haha.
We'll probably be dead before we can become a Type IV Civilization (you know, travel to other planets and galaxies very easily). Maybe in that way, we could understand more about the universe, life and death.

Anyway, perhaps when we die, we'll find something out. (or simply won't exist anymore.)

We def would be quite different by the time/if we ever become Type IV. The brain in a vat thing always trips me up haha

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

i hope you can stay a good while yet... i love hearing what you have to say and hope we get to hear more. This post kinda sums up my own reflections this evening.

 

[wordsonscreen]

i hope you can stay a good while yet... i love hearing what you have to say and hope we get to hear more. This post kinda sums up my own reflections this evening.

I'm glad it resonated with you <3 Its an odd place to be in. Am here for you- feel free to check in whenever you like :)

 

[tuptup]

You can't find a man who hate life in that sense: i'm pretty sure everone can say if i were in other circumstances i would like to life. If it were like this or that i wouldn't wanna die.
No one ever was born hating life.
Sometimes something is fucked up and we don't know why and beceause of that we can't find a fix. We're in an unfavorable environment and it's not true that we have always influence on it. We finally find what is missing but sometimes it's too late to fix it. Sometimes we're not accepted either by environent and parents.
I can speak only for myself. How the hell i could have known what would be better for me in my past life? How could i known how to fix what was broken with me? I was too young to know, we born with empty heads. .I know now but now it's too late. We're a little bit like plasticine. I'm too 'hard' to change the shape. I tell myself everyday that i couldn't have done better and it's not my fault that i was born where i was. That it's not my fault i hadn't knowledge i have now. I believe if i had know what i know now, did what i've done recently, i would enjoy life, i would never think about suicide. but you know you can't change what have been done nor did what should have been done. I can close my eyes, breath, and accept this feeling, do what i must to do, and fall into eternal sleep beceause there's no other way.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

I really enjoy your posts, sunbug!

 

[wordsonscreen]

I really enjoy your posts, sunbug!

How very sweet! <3 Thank you! I enjoy seeing you around :)

 

[Echo81]

Both exist in me- in all of us. Wanting to leave has been a road I have been walking on for a very very very long time. The same hands that feed me and keep me alive spend the evening writing suicide notes moving me closer to my exit. How odd to exist in such a way... to move so fiercely towards death and life, both. On one desktop I am checking application status for PhD programs and, on another, I am perfecting my SN regimen. I'm not anti-life. I love life (on a fundamental level). I think suicide has dignity and humanity. Suicide can be more humane than life itself. While I adore the ability to witness and feel such a vast spectrum of experience, I am finding mercy and compassion in the instinct to die. It is odd how they exist simultaneously. I'm finding that language itself is limiting in describing this duality. The death instinct, to me, feels like an inclination towards a nowhere or at least somewhere not here.

This feels surreal. And I feel lucky to have a community to share these things with.
I can't imagine leaving without ever uttering a word about it to anyone.

This universe is strange.

Thank you for these words:)

 

[wordsonscreen]

Thank you for these words:)

Thank you for reading :)