The conversation with loved ones

[thats_a_wrap]

Hi,

Has anyone had a calm, rational conversation with their loved ones about expressing their wish/plan to die?

At this stage I can't bring myself to leave and just create a whole lot of pain and suffering for others to avoid my own. So I want to explain to them that it is a rational decision and not a spur of the moment thing or a symptom of illness. Its just a man who doesn't want to live anymore, but wants to minimise the pain I leave behind.

In theory it sounds great, have a loving, rational conversation with them explaining it's nothing to do with them, not their fault etc and that I've tried and tried and tried so many different things to help me, but at the end of the day I'm just not compatible with this world.

In reality, I'm worried that they would get me locked up in the loonie bin to stop me from taking my life.

If things just keep going then I will do it without telling anyone and it will cause immense suffering, so I'd like to avoid that and do it the "right" way.

*No judgement from me about others though, I totally get the desperation of catching the bus. Sometimes it's the only option and it has to be done, even though it will hurt others.

 

[booray]

You know your family best, but I can't imagine any family's reaction being that your suicide would be ok unless you were dying of a terminal illness. And whether you tell them ahead of time or not, it will no doubt cause immense suffering. There's just no way around that.

 

[iwanttodie000]

I really wish that would be possible. I wish people understood. But I post a few suicide memes on Facebook and my parents are calling local "help" groups for me, so it's impossible to be completely honest about my desire. For me, I plan to leave a long note when I ctb to say all the things I couldn't to their face prior and hopefully that brings them peace.

 

[nasblue]

A conversation yes, but not a calm, rational one, that's impossible with my family.
That could have ended with me in the loonie bin.

I do have a friend who is in the same boat although not expressly, we talked about different methods, authors/artists who committed suicide and thoughts/fears about it. It didn't really feel cathartic or emotionally connecting, more like a typical guy conversation about an interesting subject.

 

[signifying nothing]

I'd say broach the subject, come what may.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

Yes, on Mothers day last week. Having shut my mum out for over a year, we managed a long, calm conversation. i told her how strong my intent was (she's known on but not understood my suicidal ideation all my since my teens).
i was fortunate she let me tell her as much as i wanted, the why's including how i hold her responsible (without blame) for a lot of it. i told her what practical things she needs to know should i end my life, my propert, belongings and body. It was hard and emotional for us both but calm throughout.
i feel bad that she has to carry this knowing ultimately she can't stop me. Her support has improved since, it's not enough but that's not her fault. But i do feel better, for getting it out, for telling her directly of my hurt and not just to my lastest therapist. And if i do end my life, it brings a small piece of peace knowing that she understands my choice.

i know i'm fortunate to have had that conversation, i know few can with anyone. i'm grateful it paid off to some degree.

 

[929er]

i have told my sister multiple times that i was eventually going to off myself, that i wasn't interested in going past 20 and she only gave me the usual pro lifer speech of "life's value", monologues about god, and just told me how abnormal and illogical it was to not want to live in this "wonderful world". she also downplayed my struggles because "children in africa!1!1!", and then we never talked about it again.


tbh I'd be too scared to tell any other family member because they'd 100% try to get me into some psych ward for their convenience and to satisfy their saviour complex.

 

[London2021]

Think carefully about talking with family as not always the best ppl. My friends of my ( older) generation understand. The right to die is something most ppl in UK believe in. The exception being those with a MH condition ( unless you get a terminal illness).

The courts not there yet but we all know that Dr assisted death with morphine always been a ' thing ' when older, want it or not tbh. Much hypocrisy . Feelings run high.

I follow Buddhist practices so believe we have many lives. For me this one is spent . But my adult children have strong Christian beliefs - only God can take a life including in terminal illness ( and they have experience of seeing this in loved one). Am Dignitas member, been to Switzerland and didn't and wouldn't tell them but think one found some paperwork. Anger off the scale, brought up issue said it was murder and would hunt them down for killing vulnerable people !

So, wrong person to share with and they know will never have power of attorney over DNR decisions as dont share core beliefs.

Think trying to say sometimes kin dont want or need to know. Some friends will get it. But I speak as an older person and we want things to be better for younger people. This forum shows how little we have moved forward in being able to talk openly about suicide in the places should be able to. Here, I speak police are sent. Just been in the last hr. No legal powers to remove but that is our ' health ' system.

 

[TriggerHappy]

okay. disclosure I've been too quiet and weirdly good humoured...
my folks are both dead (actively started ctb studies after that -they were around for a few o.d's but they were more mistakes) My mom went through awful bowel /vaginal cancer & repeatedly wanted to die - i did her colostomy stuff & it changed her - she became a reclusive shell - what life is that...

so: recently I used my birthday (few days ago) to sit my sister down and inform her of my decision - " now that i'm of decent age; with my faculties intact and an addiction that brings me to my knees) she didn't believe me until I went into the details (I had hinted to her through emails) she's into tough love (my drugs etc) so I got this cold judgemental - I'm a coward thing. *
But i'm old enough / determined enough to not really care. I did cry though when i told her (damn fool)

* my ex killed himself after rehab & electroshock therapy (his family's insistence): became feral & hid in the roof. they couldn't see past his success as a Royal ballet dancer. his death was traumatic he survived the shooting for 3 days i cleaned him up picking up bone/ brain fragments from his nose / ears... after his death and my mom getting sick i was too busy taking care of them (and using 2do so) to ctb. enough time has passed that they know this is my choice and not an antagonistic response to difficult circumstances...
like when you're on the street and you're in survival mode...

my aunt & cousin were actually cool with it. they feel sorry etc but (luckily) no one wants to come to the rescue...
they understand - again I howled when i told them.

crying is not my thig. I use to not feel...

what's strange a couple of my closest friends have shunned be a bit - i got punched in the face by wayne who told me i'm being selfish.

i know they care; but in my heart i know it's my path i'm meant to take (I so don't want to get old /er and be an invalid)
and not be able to define my own destiny...

so no family singing kumbaya around the garden fire-pit - just cold aversion - I doubt anyone will bring it up again...

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Talked to them a few times, when I was younger and more unstable (meds, etc). Recently I just lie about it (very rarely even comes up) but I don't put any effort into acting like I'm happy or anything. My family and especially my little sister is going to be crushed by my suicide, thank the heavens for this self-diagnosed empathy and attachment disorder so that I'm not affected by this despite being able to predict it. Guess leaving me in that kindergarten at least gave me a lot of what it takes to kill myself, so I am grateful to mom for that one.

I don't score high on those psychopath tests but I think I am definitely lacking big parts of humanity, haha.

 

[Mentalmick]

I did have a kinda conversation with my mother but it backfired and, well, there you go.

 

[Symbiote]

Conversation with loved ones?

 

[TriggerHappy]

Yes, on Mothers day last week. Having shut my mum out for over a year, we managed a long, calm conversation. i told her how strong my intent was (she's known on but not understood my suicidal ideation all my since my teens).

i know i'm fortunate to have had that conversation, i know few can with anyone. i'm grateful it paid off to some degree.

wow you are so lucky.
you have serious guts... on Mother's Day??!! whoa nelly!
I'm sorry but I'm giggling to myself that after your heartfelt explanation (with you in tears as i was)
your mom calmly and knowingly looked you in the eye, gave you a sharp little nod... and then slid a revolver toward you wrapped decently in a serviette...

understanding..? babygirl she's having the papers. drawn up for your commitment to the looney-bin and at the same time writing you out her will...

forgive me - i'm just a pathetic jealous little drama-narcissist (don't google it i made it up) who blames it all on the damages of brand-advertising (I really thought those 90's cigarette ads were real) and secretly wants to write for telemundo: see below with much love. xm

 

[London2021]

okay. disclosure I've been too quiet and weirdly good humoured...
my folks are both dead (actively started ctb studies after that -they were around for a few o.d's but they were more mistakes) My mom went through awful bowel /vaginal cancer & repeatedly wanted to die - i did her colostomy stuff & it changed her - she became a reclusive shell - what life is that...

so: recently I used my birthday (few days ago) to sit my sister down and inform her of my decision - " now that i'm of decent age; with my faculties intact and an addiction that brings me to my knees) she didn't believe me until I went into the details (I had hinted to her through emails) she's into tough love (my drugs etc) so I got this cold judgemental - I'm a coward thing. *
But i'm old enough / determined enough to not really care. I did cry though when i told her (damn fool)

* my ex killed himself after rehab & electroshock therapy (his family's insistence): became feral & hid in the roof. they couldn't see past his success as a Royal ballet dancer. his death was traumatic he survived the shooting for 3 days i cleaned him up picking up bone/ brain fragments from his nose / ears... after his death and my mom getting sick i was too busy taking care of them (and using 2do so) to ctb. enough time has passed that they know this is my choice and not an antagonistic response to difficult circumstances...
like when you're on the street and you're in survival mode...

my aunt & cousin were actually cool with it. they feel sorry etc but (luckily) no one wants to come to the rescue...
they understand - again I howled when i told them.

crying is not my thig. I use to not feel...

what's strange a couple of my closest friends have shunned be a bit - i got punched in the face by wayne who told me i'm being selfish.

i know they care; but in my heart i know it's my path i'm meant to take (I so don't want to get old /er and be an invalid)
and not be able to define my own destiny...

so no family singing kumbaya around the garden fire-pit - just cold aversion - I doubt anyone will bring it up again...

Thank you for sharing that. You've been through more than your share of awful stuff. Maybe the friends simply can't cope with the conversation or information they would need to feel safe holding. It was brave of you to try speak with them. Guess just not right time in their lives to try manage their own anxieties about this

 

[Deathbydemo]

No. Last September my family found out that I had ordered SN (long story) and the day I had it delivered my brother came and ripped my house apart looking for it. He eventually got it, and I was given the usual "it'll get better" bullshit. Well, that was September. It hasn't gotten any better, but, rather, significantly worse.

My family refuse to accept my decisions so, no, sadly that is not a conversation I can ever have openly with them.

 

[Everybody_yells]

I'm not certain if any of the people we know are going to be acceptable of our feeling to ctb or Ideations so long as the society considers it as taboo. There is no denying, everyone must have passed through a depressive stage one time or other in their lifetime, but reaching the point of taking ones own life and even imagining it is something that goes beyond immediate repair.

When I tried my luck with venting out to the girl I was seeing for the past 1 year, she got infuriated at the very thought of me having such intentions. I might have disclosed my feelings to ctb perhaps twice at most? Thereafter I understood she would not be the person who could try and see things from my point of view and I haven't spoken about such things to her either. But then I can't blame her I suppose. Perhaps the loved ones cannot even imagine our absence in their life maybe.. Who knows!

 

[WornOutLife]

You know your family best, but I can't imagine any family's reaction being that your suicide would be ok unless you were dying of a terminal illness. And whether you tell them ahead of time or not, it will no doubt cause immense suffering. There's just no way around that.

I totally agree.
Being honest about our desire to die will probably just make us end up in a psych ward.

 

[Carrotcake]

Having an honest conversation and having the opportunity to say goodbye is something I really want, ideally.

But honestly, I think it is too much to ask of your loved ones. When you are suicidal yourself, you go through a process, sometimes over years. You are slowly grieving for yourself and making your peace with your inevitable death.

But when you tell others, they are not at the same place in this process as you are. It may take years for them to accept this, if ever. You can't expect them to be as ready as you are.

On a side note, people are obligated to report you when you inform them about suicide plans. If they knowingly let you go through with it, or god forbid, hold your hand, they are (partially) responsible for your death. Negligent at best. So, now they must not only let you die, but lie about it as well to prevent repercussions.

I wish it were different. But unfortunately I believe dying is something we must do alone.

 

[TriggerHappy]

Conversation with loved ones?

conversations with loved ones - my experience. hope you get it...

 

[Latios]

Unfortunately, mine are unable to discuss it without getting very emotional.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

While I don't really have any family, most people I've told about my desire to ctb act like I have done something sacrilegious by wanting to throw away the so called gift of life-at least direct me to the understaffed returns department so that I can send the unwanted present back.

I have a couple friends online who are very understanding. They said they would miss me if I left, yet they respect my choice and don't see it as irrational or illogical. Other people, not so much. It's like they've got blinders on and the moment the word suicide is uttered, they go bonkers.

My boyfriend will not let me ctb under any circumstances, even though he says my pain is catalysing his own pain and grief as he doesn't want to deal with it. I have suffered years with physical illnesses, I have had hardly any semblance of life since I was a teenager and first felt the fatigue coming on.

If one thinks beyond emotion, they could see how much I am suffering and how hopeless it is. I have tried so many treatments and I cannot deal with doctors anymore due to ptsd, they were making me worse. I've accepted that I will have to live the rest of my life with this crushing fatigue, the brain fog, the inability to eat what I want because I'll have horrible cramps as a result, unable to move my jaw all the way, sensory issues, social issues stemming from autism, the list goes on and on.

By objective measurement of quality of life, mine would rank in the toilet. This is simply no way to live. However, my boyfriend and many of my friends at uni foolishly believe that there is some sort of hope, that one day there's going to be a treatment and I just need to hold out and be optimistic.

Why would I want to wait decades for a treatment to come out when by then I'd be 40 or 50 something and my body would be further decaying? It is easy for them to say that when they aren't the sick ones, and most of their complaints come from "having to hear my whining" about my illnesses.

I have had many discussions with my bf and he is unable to accept it. He has stated that he thinks every suicide is preventable in one way or another. He told me I would devastate him beyond belief if I caught the bus, that I am not a burden like I think I am, that things will get better and I just have to engage more with trying to treat my problems, etc. That last bit couldn't be further from the truth. Even if there was a magic option I hadn't tried, at this point, I think I deserve a choice in whether or not I should be able to die.

I have discussed it with several of my friends as well and they mainly fussed about liability, then started to try and suggest therapy again for the 400th time. That's how fucked up this world is. Denied at assisted suicide clinics like Dignitas due to some arbitrary age and illness restrictions, then treated like an insane invalid by those around you because your only option is to die by your own hands instead of getting permission from one of these organisations.

People simply cannot accept that I am going to die, and that I will not put up with these dehabilitating conditions. They try to force me to stay alive while doing nothing that would improve my quality of life, because they are under the illusion that I can still be "saved" and molded into a functioning member of society. For example, I am way too knackered to continue university, but I am forced to even though my bf makes loads of money and I could quit and have a part time job with less stress.

He won't let me quit because he seriously believes I can finish and deal with even more crazy amounts of stress than what I already put up with. He thinks I can learn to function when I am so disabled in more ways than one. My body is at its limit, but no one else can see it even when I beg them to, because my issues are invisible to the outside world.

I've tried and tried to have these conversations with people, to get their blessing, but everyone tells me that I am not allowed to ctb and to hold onto hope. I am sure they would not be saying that if they could spend a day in my shoes. Its futile for me to talk about it, because they've been trained to think that suicide is 100% irrational and every single suicide is preventable.