The cognitive dissonance of wanting to die yet actively pursuing long-term goals

[metfan647]

Hi all,

Can anyone relate to this? I just had a car-crash interview which involved a presentation in front of a panel. It was truly awful. I have terrible social and performance anxiety so I prepared extensively and took Propanolol. Neither helped.

It got me thinking, why, if I claim to be so ready to check out, am I still looking to improve my quality of life? Am I fooling myself? Am I on here to look for excuses to not kill myself? Am I looking to connect with like-minded people rather than ctb?

On a conscious level, I want to die and these feelings are growing stronger, but I'm making very conscious decisions which contradict that desire. I suppose it's okay...dare I say, a good thing if I'm still trying to find some modicum of hope.

 

[Sadbanana]

I experienced this from the opposite perspective. I stopped persuing any long term goals, stopped exercising and taking care of me. Because what would be the point if I'm going to die anyways.

One of the reasons I noticed was that I was trying to push myself into suicide, by actively sabotaging my life. Problem is that even at my lowest I just wasn't able to do it.

I wouldn't recommend going that path, because it's possible you won't be able to cbt and then have to live your ruined life on top of it.

If one day suddenly the motivation to cbt comes, it won't matter whether you followed your goals or not. So you are probably better off to keep your life functioning till it happens.

 

[DoublingDown]

I can definitely relate. This one tiny shred of hope things will turn around is still there, but it has no way of distracting from the massive amounts of trauma and mental illness that cause me to suffer every day.

When I first came here, reading people's goodbye posts or detailing their methods helped me see I wasn't THAT bad. I wasn't willing to spend hundreds of dollars even if I had it to die. I wasn't willing to sniff out a SN source. It was also a way for me to actively gauge how I'm doing, and watching myself slowly decline as I did begin to try to find sources, I did find a method that was feasible for me. I actively communicate this decline to my therapist because I DON'T want to die. I just don't want to be in pain anymore, and if there's a chance I can get better I want to find it.

Being somewhere that people understood what it feels like to live day in and day out wanting to die, planning to die, helps a lot. I think a lot of people here suffer from isolation in one form or another. Having this community helps that. In my life I have no friends. I haven't texted anyone except my fiance in over 2 years. Not one phone call or text from an old friend or acquaintance. At least here I can interact with people.

I don't think it's a bad thing to not want to die. I can't get behind the whole "everything is horrible all the time, why would anyone ever be willing to live" or antinatalism that I see here. I see my suffering and want to die as my own doing, not the world's. It's a personal failure in my eyes how I've lived my life and I simply don't want to be this way anymore. Everyone has their own reason for being here, what they want to get out of it.

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I experienced this from the opposite perspective. I stopped persuing any long term goals, stopped exercising and taking care of me. Because what would be the point if I'm going to die anyways.

One of the reasons I noticed was that I was trying to push myself into suicide, by actively sabotaging my life. Problem is that even at my lowest I just wasn't able to do it.

I wouldn't recommend going that path, because it's possible you won't be able to cbt and then have to live your ruined life on top of it.

If one day suddenly the motivation to cbt comes, it won't matter whether you followed your goals or not. So you are probably better off to keep your life functioning till it happens.

Im exactly like this too.