The closer I get to death, the more peace there is... which makes ctb more difficult?

[wordsonscreen]

This entire year and ESPECIALLY the last few days have been excruciating mind numbing pain - so severe that I have memory lapses and cannot recall many hours/days from the last week. It has never been this bad. Completely beyond what I can tolerate - flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, severe anxiety, etc.

However, today - I woke up without a panic attack... it is so strange. I laid in bed waiting for it to hit me. I am afraid the pain will hit me when I let my guard down. I thought I had died because I woke up to a beautiful black bug with yellow spots on my arm (in my bed) - I've never seen a bug like that. It is surreal to have a moment of non-agony.

I'm still waiting for the emotional+physical pain to hit me.. It is odd because I am very close to my exit so it is weird that I am feeling peace/good. I am unsure how to take this because I think I need the pain to ctb. I have begged for relief and mercy for weeks and months and how is it that I have it on the day I planned to exit? What do I make of this relief?? Is it possible to exit while feeling "good"? The pain cannot have just disappeared right? Like I am sure it is still in me..? It is weird that now I am asking for pain after having begged for relief.. the suffering is almost what I accepted as my mercy - that at least it will help me die.

There is one missing ingredient in my sn regimen so I must wait another day but now I am confused since I am feeling relief. wtf does this mean. Is the universe just fucking with me????

 

[FuneralCry]

I get what you mean about needing the pain to die. Otherwise our survival instinct can kick in as that is the way our brains are wired in the first place, to survive at all costs and it makes it hard to die. Maybe subconsciously, you know you are close to death so that has calmed your body down. Many people feel more at peace close to their suicide date as they know they will soon be free from life's problems.
It really is hard being alive, and it can be like a prison being trapped inside this human body and we have no control over it. I wish you the best.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, it's a weird dilemma.
I have practically no more hope left in me and everytime I go to sleep I just hope not to wake up but unfortunately, I still do.

Anyway, whatever happens, wish you lots of love and peace!!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[poisonedminds]

On the day of my attempt, i felt such deep peace inside. I had never felt such peace before. I was ready to forgive everyone who ever hurt me and move on.
I was not angry at my abuser, or society, or my therapist for letting it come to this. I was at peace and I had found the most complete closure. There were no bad emotions that day, just pure peace, absolute serenity. My mind was cleared of any negative thoughts or emotions, which made place for this amazing feeling of calm bliss. It was an emotion that I had never felt before, or at least not to that extent. It was beautiful. If only it had worked..

 

[sm20]

I think it's somewhat normal to feel that way. For me my best mood is when my ctb date is 2 months away and I get my mood to neutral. It used to be that doing it made me feel no fear but lately I don't know why the closer I get to it the more stressed I am, even with sn which seems like a perfect method.

 

[dietsodamnsad]

God I completely get you, planning and thinking about suicide is the only thing that gives me any peace or happiness at all. On the day of an attempt I am usually quite cheerful, things seem brighter and the pain isn't quite as overwhelming. Sometimes I'll second guess myself like you, I tell myself let's do it tomorrow instead, and I wake up feeling incredibly low and upset because the only reason I was happy was because I was going to die.