DeadlineDialer
Traversing the grid of death
- Sep 20, 2023
- 55
Something snapped, I feel like I'm fucking losing it. This is my actual lowest point ever. My day is coming, and watching the clock tick down has become beyond fucking grating. I haven't taken diphenhydramine in months, but I'm getting that feeling. I'm getting the same fog, seeing the same sights, hearing the same sounds. Writing this is taking every fiber of my focus and has already taken hours to write. Going over and over and over, trying hard to make some inkling of sense with words. I'm incessantly pulled away by the weight of reality while I try to wade through the debris in the pile of vitriol which has corroded my fragmented mind. I've been wanting to post to this forum, trying hard, but I haven't been able to properly articulate my thoughts enough to say anything worthwhile.
Just last week, I was taking my time enjoying everything one last time. I felt so at peace, so ready to go for the past 2 months, I just had to wait for the day to come. I crossed off most the things on my list. By cruel twist of irony, I guess all that planning gave me enough purpose to forget this consuming dread, making it hit so much harder when it would come back. Empty hands are a pain so great and unknown. I accomplished, and through that all I did was lose. Now all I can do is sit to the same thoughts that brought me to this point. Nothing I used to do is distracting enough anymore. I can't think straight enough to write or draw, doing it is draining, not doing it is draining. Not that that's a new feeling, but for a while it distracted me enough to help kill time.
I don't know what I want. I do know if I don't go through with this I'll be back at square one. I'm usually fine at chilling myself out and telling myself I just have to do it, but I think this is taking a harsher toll on me than I like to admit. I'm used to being blase, always being dulled, why am I wavering now when it's most important? I don't know what to do, whether I flat out beg for help like a whimpering, dying dog or I harness this madness to push me.
I don't know what the point of this thread is, sorry. I don't know if any of this makes sense or means anything either. I feel lost in my decision for the first time ever and I can't cope.
I'm going fucking nuclear. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think, I can't tell which bugs are real. I want this bottomless pit to undo me already.
Just last week, I was taking my time enjoying everything one last time. I felt so at peace, so ready to go for the past 2 months, I just had to wait for the day to come. I crossed off most the things on my list. By cruel twist of irony, I guess all that planning gave me enough purpose to forget this consuming dread, making it hit so much harder when it would come back. Empty hands are a pain so great and unknown. I accomplished, and through that all I did was lose. Now all I can do is sit to the same thoughts that brought me to this point. Nothing I used to do is distracting enough anymore. I can't think straight enough to write or draw, doing it is draining, not doing it is draining. Not that that's a new feeling, but for a while it distracted me enough to help kill time.
I don't know what I want. I do know if I don't go through with this I'll be back at square one. I'm usually fine at chilling myself out and telling myself I just have to do it, but I think this is taking a harsher toll on me than I like to admit. I'm used to being blase, always being dulled, why am I wavering now when it's most important? I don't know what to do, whether I flat out beg for help like a whimpering, dying dog or I harness this madness to push me.
I don't know what the point of this thread is, sorry. I don't know if any of this makes sense or means anything either. I feel lost in my decision for the first time ever and I can't cope.
I'm going fucking nuclear. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think, I can't tell which bugs are real. I want this bottomless pit to undo me already.
