I really feel like him.
The story is very intricate but I won't into all details. The post would become extremely long and exhausting. I spent time with my closest friends yesterday and today. And I am thankful to have such good friends. I really enjoy spending time with them.
I have bipolar, had two psychosis and I am on the autism spectrum. Recently, a lot of things happened. Some months ago my former therapist announced to make negative entries in my medical records, I said to her but the things you want to write in there aren't true. She responded that one would listen to her because noone would believe me with my diagnoses. This was quite shocking. This was an experience I always feared about. I often ruminated beforehand what I would do in such a situation. As patient with psychosis it is an extremely scary scenario. My first step. I said to her therapy is over, from now on we only communicate in written form and I demand that you write me a summary of our last therapy session and what happened so that I decided to quit therapy. From now on the roles were reversed. I think tbh this was pretty smart. Against a smart enemy I wouldn't have had any chance. WIth my conditions noone would believe me. I knew that. I probably wouldn't believe such a story from a different psychosis patient. My luck was my former therapist isn't that bright. In her second mail he wanted from me that I pay for the last therapy session even though my insurance would pay for it. She insinuated I wanted to leave therapy all the time and wasn't motivated for it and stuff like that. So I called my insurance and they gave me proof she was talking bullshit. I think she wasn't aware the mails could be used against her. In a later mail she wrote this would invade her privacy rights. LMFAO. Then to make it worse she wrote a no reply mail where she tried to bait me. Obviously I saw through that. I think she thought I could not quote or use the no reply mail because it was a no reply mail. Tbh she is really not that smart. So our exchange continued and she ridiculed herself. She embarrassed herself. I talked to a patient counsellor that told me if I quote a certain thing she said the people will laugh her out of the court room. The whole time was horrible for my mental health. And I took emergency medication all the time. I was always scared to become paranoid and to make a strategical mistake. I was under a lot of pressure. The exchange continued for a while and I collected more and more evidence with contradictions of her. I handed in the complaint and I think made a pretty solid case. The first legal hurdle is taken. The chamber of therapist often back the therapists though. I think I acted strategically well. In some ways it could also have been a waste of time. But not fully. My friends had on some things doubts. They considered it possible that some parts of it where just a product of paranoia. But with all the evidence in written form they had to believe me. I am pretty sure if I didn't have this evidence it would have made me pretty uncomfortable. When there are doubts from others about a true story this can make me insecure. I question my own perception. There were incidents of that in the past. Things I never will know whether they were intentionally or not. In the end one has to learn to live with uncertainty. And ambiguity intolerance is very important. For me it is pretty important to be self-aware. And I question myself a lot. There are still questions I ruminate about from things that happened years ago.
But now to a different case. I have very good friends. They listen to me a lot. I have one complete yes man in my friend group. He doesn't question anything I say. Even though, I tend to paranoia. Then I have two friends quite smart. They know how I function. But I think they pretty dead wrong in their conclusions about another incident. I visited a college self-help group for some years. At the end only 4 people remained. Two women with borderline. And one guy with a negative emotional intelligence level. I dated one of the borderline woman. I was pretty naive. She cried in front of me and pretended she never could cry in front of anyone. She followed me crying to my bus to show me how much I mean to her. To that point I believed that. I bought it. I didn't know she had borderline to that time point she probably didn't know it either. One time it slipped. I was an adventure for her. And I realized she was bullshitting me all the time. Some months later I entered a room where she had a conversation with someone else. It turned out she dates a couple of men (it sounded like 5 men) behind the back of her boyfriend. When I dated her I also got the feeling she was emotionally cheating on him. But I never could have imagined she was doing this with 5 men at the same time. Retrospectively, it made a lot of sense she barely had time for dates or texting me. I am not sure how much I shall go into details. She idealized me for a long time. But two things happened which changed her opinion on me. I approached her for dates again but I acted as if I knew she wasn't serious at all. And this made her angry. At the same time something similar happened between the two borderline women in that self-help group. They were best friends but after a while there were arguments. And the conflicts became part of the group. I tried to settle the dispute. I sent a text message to the zero emotional intelligence guy because he wasn't getting anything. And what did he do? He just copy-pasted the text message to the borderline woman I dated and she was extremely pissed. I knew that I have made myself a new enemy. She considered that a betrayal. And then her gaslighting started. She pretended there were no conlficts in the group, And this would be the result of my paranoia. And the gaslighting didn't feel good for me. I hated to go to the group. She was gaslighting me all the time. So I took a friend with me. And he agreed she is lying that there were no conflicts in the group. I hoped for a good way to quit the group because it became more and more toxic. I liked the zero emotional intelligence guy. But I couldn't say to him that she was gaslighting me because he would't get it. And she would manipulate him that all of this was caused by my psychosis. The borderline woman (that I dated) started to bully me. Always when we were alone she tried to hurt me. This was really stressful. She always searched for weaknesses to hit me. So the first weak spot she found. The lack of my sex life. She was too prudish to talk openly about sex though. We never talked about sex in the group. Sometimes she brought up the topic but she could talk directly about it. Next: I don't have a job, no routines, I am a burden to society. Well tbh this backfired. I told her I think we live in a slave society, that I hated the academic world, that I would hate to have a 9 to 5 job and all of that. It annoyed her that she could not hit me with that. Then she tried to hit me with that my life was boring, I had nothing besides the self-help group. In some ways this hit. But I didn't admit that. I told her I like it when no more horrible things happen. I enjoy life when it is boring. In some ways it is part of the truth while it is not fully true. But she was again pissed she could not hurt me with that. I hated to spend time with her. I thought about countermeasures. Strategic ambiguity when someone tries to read you/manipulate you with your weaknesses. I didn't go there anymore on a regular basis. I went there every second or third week. But when I came I felt the atmosphere had changed. The borderline woman tried to get the zero emotional intelligence guy on her side against me. I have no proof for that. And in contrast to the things with my therapist I have no proof. But his behavior clearly changed. I was upset by this development. I think she portrayed me as someone who lies to the group for sliently ghosting them. I suspect something like.
But then the insane christmas meeting happened. Which changed everything. The borderline woman (that I dated) was in extremely good mood. I think I lived in her head to that time. Her thinking centered around how to hurt me in the most cruel way. I was surprised she was in such a good mood. Then she started to talk with me. And she announced that her boyfriend will come to the meeting. From now on her boyfriend will be a regular members of the group. I was puzzled. But then I realized she wanted to make me jealous. When we dated I turned her down two times. And she turned me down two times. To be honest when I realized what her intention was I had to suppress to laugh out loud. I considered the notion to be jealous extremely ridiculous. So she gaslights me a couple of months, tries to bully me since months. Even though, I tried everything as good as possible not to provoke her. And then she believes I was jealous of her boyfriend. Tbh I always felt sorry for him. She was emotionally cheating with a couple of men behind his back, and she talked about him like he was completely trash. Eventually, he could not come to the group. And the borderline woman was extremely embarrassed when she realized she made a fool out of herself. She turned extremely red and also the others noticed that she didn't look well. I felt sorry for her. But her whole bullying was sort of insane. At the christmas meeting the zero emotional intelligence tried to intellectually own me in a debate. And I completely destroyed him. I am not sure what they were saying to him. But in some ways he also tried to mock me. Actually, they were 3 people against me and noone was able to hit me. Not at all. I felt relieved after this meeting. Because the conflicts were so obvious that noone could deny them. And I decided this would be a good moment to quit the group. I didn't announce it though. I knew they would probably gaslight me again.
I just didn't go to the group without giving them a notice. I just didn't care anymore. And here a very speculative part begins. I don't have much evidence for this. And I could be wrong with my deductions. One member of the group (the zero emotional intelligence guy) messaged me asking me how I was doing some weeks after the Christmas meeting. No apology nothing. They just pretended everything was normal. I messaged him back in a friendly way. But I didn't make any promises. Tbh I have the feeling this was a bait and I didn't fall for it. They wanted me to return to the group. The group was very toxic and I already had the feeling they started to gossip about me after a while. I think if I went there to the group all of them would have waited for me to take revenge. And the boyfriend of the borderline woman would have been with them too. I don't have any evidence for that. And I will never know it for sure. But I could imagine they pretty much looked like fools when I wasn't coming. I also wanted to invoke this thought in them. They should ask themselves why I wouldn't come. (The answer is they are toxic.) I once said to the group that the atmopshere became toxic and they were offended by that. Some weeks later the zero intelligence tried to call me. I didn't take the phone call. He sent me a message. I had the feeling he wasn't genuine though. I told him that I will quit the group because the group dynamic at the Christmas party didn't feel good to me. His next message was: he denied any conflict at the Christmas party and alluded this would have been a product of my paranoid mind. (In my opinion this also was gaslighting) Well I didn't take that bait. I just ignored the message. The next day the other group member texted me as if we were best friends and also this message felt extremely disingenuous. One friend recommended me to block all of them. Which I did. And tbh I feel so much better after quitting this extremely toxic environment.
Something that hurts me two of my friends don't believe the story that it played out this way. They say the story sounds paranoid. And in contrast to the case with my therapist I have no evidence. In the end I don't have to justify my actions and it is a fact I feel so much better after stopping the contact with them. But I question my own sanity when people tell me this sounds paranoid. I think if you psychologize me one could argue against everything I say. I think it is true I tend to mind-reading too frequently. And it is true I was wrong on other things in the past. But I also was right on some things. I am pretty pretty sure it played out like that. At least the part where I didn't emphasize that it is a speculation.
I think none of you can actually judge me it properly. I think many people on SaSu are not familiar with psychosis. I think it also doesn't matter that much. This chapter is closed for me. It is just scary when people don't believe you due to your past psychosis. And this is a scary experience. I think my brain has a lot of false positives. But when I am actually gaslit and manipulated I realize this pretty fast. Moreover, my observations were not based on one (unstable) evening. I made these observations over a long time and there clearly were patterns. It is an issue always when I am describing gaslighting it sounds paranoid. Because in fact I have no evidence for it. But it is no delusion in this instance. I know that. And by making the right calls in my interactions I successully defended me against her bullying. If I didn't make the right calls (this evaluation always was really stressful) her emotional attacks on me would have been successful. But they were not successful.
I am assigning motives to other people as if I could look inside their head. I think this is something that can sound paranoid. And this is also what my friends told me.
The story is very intricate but I won't into all details. The post would become extremely long and exhausting. I spent time with my closest friends yesterday and today. And I am thankful to have such good friends. I really enjoy spending time with them.
I have bipolar, had two psychosis and I am on the autism spectrum. Recently, a lot of things happened. Some months ago my former therapist announced to make negative entries in my medical records, I said to her but the things you want to write in there aren't true. She responded that one would listen to her because noone would believe me with my diagnoses. This was quite shocking. This was an experience I always feared about. I often ruminated beforehand what I would do in such a situation. As patient with psychosis it is an extremely scary scenario. My first step. I said to her therapy is over, from now on we only communicate in written form and I demand that you write me a summary of our last therapy session and what happened so that I decided to quit therapy. From now on the roles were reversed. I think tbh this was pretty smart. Against a smart enemy I wouldn't have had any chance. WIth my conditions noone would believe me. I knew that. I probably wouldn't believe such a story from a different psychosis patient. My luck was my former therapist isn't that bright. In her second mail he wanted from me that I pay for the last therapy session even though my insurance would pay for it. She insinuated I wanted to leave therapy all the time and wasn't motivated for it and stuff like that. So I called my insurance and they gave me proof she was talking bullshit. I think she wasn't aware the mails could be used against her. In a later mail she wrote this would invade her privacy rights. LMFAO. Then to make it worse she wrote a no reply mail where she tried to bait me. Obviously I saw through that. I think she thought I could not quote or use the no reply mail because it was a no reply mail. Tbh she is really not that smart. So our exchange continued and she ridiculed herself. She embarrassed herself. I talked to a patient counsellor that told me if I quote a certain thing she said the people will laugh her out of the court room. The whole time was horrible for my mental health. And I took emergency medication all the time. I was always scared to become paranoid and to make a strategical mistake. I was under a lot of pressure. The exchange continued for a while and I collected more and more evidence with contradictions of her. I handed in the complaint and I think made a pretty solid case. The first legal hurdle is taken. The chamber of therapist often back the therapists though. I think I acted strategically well. In some ways it could also have been a waste of time. But not fully. My friends had on some things doubts. They considered it possible that some parts of it where just a product of paranoia. But with all the evidence in written form they had to believe me. I am pretty sure if I didn't have this evidence it would have made me pretty uncomfortable. When there are doubts from others about a true story this can make me insecure. I question my own perception. There were incidents of that in the past. Things I never will know whether they were intentionally or not. In the end one has to learn to live with uncertainty. And ambiguity intolerance is very important. For me it is pretty important to be self-aware. And I question myself a lot. There are still questions I ruminate about from things that happened years ago.
But now to a different case. I have very good friends. They listen to me a lot. I have one complete yes man in my friend group. He doesn't question anything I say. Even though, I tend to paranoia. Then I have two friends quite smart. They know how I function. But I think they pretty dead wrong in their conclusions about another incident. I visited a college self-help group for some years. At the end only 4 people remained. Two women with borderline. And one guy with a negative emotional intelligence level. I dated one of the borderline woman. I was pretty naive. She cried in front of me and pretended she never could cry in front of anyone. She followed me crying to my bus to show me how much I mean to her. To that point I believed that. I bought it. I didn't know she had borderline to that time point she probably didn't know it either. One time it slipped. I was an adventure for her. And I realized she was bullshitting me all the time. Some months later I entered a room where she had a conversation with someone else. It turned out she dates a couple of men (it sounded like 5 men) behind the back of her boyfriend. When I dated her I also got the feeling she was emotionally cheating on him. But I never could have imagined she was doing this with 5 men at the same time. Retrospectively, it made a lot of sense she barely had time for dates or texting me. I am not sure how much I shall go into details. She idealized me for a long time. But two things happened which changed her opinion on me. I approached her for dates again but I acted as if I knew she wasn't serious at all. And this made her angry. At the same time something similar happened between the two borderline women in that self-help group. They were best friends but after a while there were arguments. And the conflicts became part of the group. I tried to settle the dispute. I sent a text message to the zero emotional intelligence guy because he wasn't getting anything. And what did he do? He just copy-pasted the text message to the borderline woman I dated and she was extremely pissed. I knew that I have made myself a new enemy. She considered that a betrayal. And then her gaslighting started. She pretended there were no conlficts in the group, And this would be the result of my paranoia. And the gaslighting didn't feel good for me. I hated to go to the group. She was gaslighting me all the time. So I took a friend with me. And he agreed she is lying that there were no conflicts in the group. I hoped for a good way to quit the group because it became more and more toxic. I liked the zero emotional intelligence guy. But I couldn't say to him that she was gaslighting me because he would't get it. And she would manipulate him that all of this was caused by my psychosis. The borderline woman (that I dated) started to bully me. Always when we were alone she tried to hurt me. This was really stressful. She always searched for weaknesses to hit me. So the first weak spot she found. The lack of my sex life. She was too prudish to talk openly about sex though. We never talked about sex in the group. Sometimes she brought up the topic but she could talk directly about it. Next: I don't have a job, no routines, I am a burden to society. Well tbh this backfired. I told her I think we live in a slave society, that I hated the academic world, that I would hate to have a 9 to 5 job and all of that. It annoyed her that she could not hit me with that. Then she tried to hit me with that my life was boring, I had nothing besides the self-help group. In some ways this hit. But I didn't admit that. I told her I like it when no more horrible things happen. I enjoy life when it is boring. In some ways it is part of the truth while it is not fully true. But she was again pissed she could not hurt me with that. I hated to spend time with her. I thought about countermeasures. Strategic ambiguity when someone tries to read you/manipulate you with your weaknesses. I didn't go there anymore on a regular basis. I went there every second or third week. But when I came I felt the atmosphere had changed. The borderline woman tried to get the zero emotional intelligence guy on her side against me. I have no proof for that. And in contrast to the things with my therapist I have no proof. But his behavior clearly changed. I was upset by this development. I think she portrayed me as someone who lies to the group for sliently ghosting them. I suspect something like.
But then the insane christmas meeting happened. Which changed everything. The borderline woman (that I dated) was in extremely good mood. I think I lived in her head to that time. Her thinking centered around how to hurt me in the most cruel way. I was surprised she was in such a good mood. Then she started to talk with me. And she announced that her boyfriend will come to the meeting. From now on her boyfriend will be a regular members of the group. I was puzzled. But then I realized she wanted to make me jealous. When we dated I turned her down two times. And she turned me down two times. To be honest when I realized what her intention was I had to suppress to laugh out loud. I considered the notion to be jealous extremely ridiculous. So she gaslights me a couple of months, tries to bully me since months. Even though, I tried everything as good as possible not to provoke her. And then she believes I was jealous of her boyfriend. Tbh I always felt sorry for him. She was emotionally cheating with a couple of men behind his back, and she talked about him like he was completely trash. Eventually, he could not come to the group. And the borderline woman was extremely embarrassed when she realized she made a fool out of herself. She turned extremely red and also the others noticed that she didn't look well. I felt sorry for her. But her whole bullying was sort of insane. At the christmas meeting the zero emotional intelligence tried to intellectually own me in a debate. And I completely destroyed him. I am not sure what they were saying to him. But in some ways he also tried to mock me. Actually, they were 3 people against me and noone was able to hit me. Not at all. I felt relieved after this meeting. Because the conflicts were so obvious that noone could deny them. And I decided this would be a good moment to quit the group. I didn't announce it though. I knew they would probably gaslight me again.
I just didn't go to the group without giving them a notice. I just didn't care anymore. And here a very speculative part begins. I don't have much evidence for this. And I could be wrong with my deductions. One member of the group (the zero emotional intelligence guy) messaged me asking me how I was doing some weeks after the Christmas meeting. No apology nothing. They just pretended everything was normal. I messaged him back in a friendly way. But I didn't make any promises. Tbh I have the feeling this was a bait and I didn't fall for it. They wanted me to return to the group. The group was very toxic and I already had the feeling they started to gossip about me after a while. I think if I went there to the group all of them would have waited for me to take revenge. And the boyfriend of the borderline woman would have been with them too. I don't have any evidence for that. And I will never know it for sure. But I could imagine they pretty much looked like fools when I wasn't coming. I also wanted to invoke this thought in them. They should ask themselves why I wouldn't come. (The answer is they are toxic.) I once said to the group that the atmopshere became toxic and they were offended by that. Some weeks later the zero intelligence tried to call me. I didn't take the phone call. He sent me a message. I had the feeling he wasn't genuine though. I told him that I will quit the group because the group dynamic at the Christmas party didn't feel good to me. His next message was: he denied any conflict at the Christmas party and alluded this would have been a product of my paranoid mind. (In my opinion this also was gaslighting) Well I didn't take that bait. I just ignored the message. The next day the other group member texted me as if we were best friends and also this message felt extremely disingenuous. One friend recommended me to block all of them. Which I did. And tbh I feel so much better after quitting this extremely toxic environment.
Something that hurts me two of my friends don't believe the story that it played out this way. They say the story sounds paranoid. And in contrast to the case with my therapist I have no evidence. In the end I don't have to justify my actions and it is a fact I feel so much better after stopping the contact with them. But I question my own sanity when people tell me this sounds paranoid. I think if you psychologize me one could argue against everything I say. I think it is true I tend to mind-reading too frequently. And it is true I was wrong on other things in the past. But I also was right on some things. I am pretty pretty sure it played out like that. At least the part where I didn't emphasize that it is a speculation.
I think none of you can actually judge me it properly. I think many people on SaSu are not familiar with psychosis. I think it also doesn't matter that much. This chapter is closed for me. It is just scary when people don't believe you due to your past psychosis. And this is a scary experience. I think my brain has a lot of false positives. But when I am actually gaslit and manipulated I realize this pretty fast. Moreover, my observations were not based on one (unstable) evening. I made these observations over a long time and there clearly were patterns. It is an issue always when I am describing gaslighting it sounds paranoid. Because in fact I have no evidence for it. But it is no delusion in this instance. I know that. And by making the right calls in my interactions I successully defended me against her bullying. If I didn't make the right calls (this evaluation always was really stressful) her emotional attacks on me would have been successful. But they were not successful.
I am assigning motives to other people as if I could look inside their head. I think this is something that can sound paranoid. And this is also what my friends told me.
Last edited:
