Venting The better days are making everything worse

[lawlietsph]

I'm sorry but I really need to get this out of my chest...
So last month, in august, I've had 2 weeks when I was seeing everything annoyingly positive and I have no idea why. Never in my 28 years have I had a truly happy day or anything, sadness and melancholy is my personality and I've accepted it long time ago.
But on this 2 weeks, somehow my brain started to work differently.
I've had thoughts that I've never had before, like
"It's okay, my life is actually beautiful"
"I can make myself pretty and I'll find a good boyfriend, then everything is going to be awesome"
"I will find a way to be rich, don't worry"
"I'm not even that ugly"
+ I've started to work out, eat less junk food.

BUT...
After this 2 weeks, one day I woke up and felt the biggest, most horrible depression again. And since then, all I want to do is to die.
Now the thing is, I feel even worse than ever before. I just don't understand my brain anymore. Now I look in the mirror, and all I see is the most disgusting, ugly, horrible creature who deserves to die in the most awful ways. All I see is my ugly, old, worn out clothes because I don't have money to buy new ones. I fucking hate the sunshine, it makes me want to hang myself instantly. I want to die because breathing takes all my strength.
And I just fucking hate how my brain plays these tricks on me. It's not that I'm bipolar or anything, no, I've only had these 2 weeks in my whole entire existence and I just don't understand.
Now that I've experienced it, I want to feel good again. I want it so bad, but it's just gone.
My life is fucking pointless, I am back in the jealous state of mind, when all I see is how everyone have money, fame, beauty, except me.
I want to die so bad, and I'm scared. All alone, lonely, ugly, poor, I am always always always alone.
I wish to have the money to buy SN because existence is unbearable. Waking up is the worst feeling in the entire world.

 

[hopemeetshopeless]

I feel this. In a slightly different way, but still similar in a lot of ways. I've never quite had 2 straight weeks that I can remember that resembled anything close to feeling "positive, thinking my life is beautiful, thinking I'm attractive or will find a partner who would love me, that everything would be "awesome", that I'd get rich, that I'm not ugly, that I'd stick to my work out routine or diet. I've had glimpses though. I have had small short spurts. The longest maybe 5 days give or take a little bit. It comes in waves for me, more frequent short lasting waves though. It used to be a more ebb and flow but now the tide kinda just always swallows me. I used to be like that kind of though. I used to have days where I tricked myself into thinking I could get better. That I could change. That I had the ability to just change some shitty habits and quirks in my personality and then everything would be ok. Fuck. I tried. I wanted it. I get it. Then it just wins. The depression just fucking wins. It's stronger than me. It's faster than me. It's smarter than me. I can't beat it because it IS ME. Like, I'm at war with myself everyday and the part of me that is self hatred that wants me dead is relentless. It has infected my consciousness to where it has essentially hijacked my entire mind to where there is nothing but negativity no matter which direction I look. It sucks. I'm sorry. This website has brought me so much comfort since I found it. Not enough, but it is very nice to find a community of people that don't gaslight you and invalidate your thoughts and feelings when you have no one to talk to. I hate this shit. For me. For all of us. I know that doesn't change anything but I really do. I don't think any of us deserve this shit.

 

[lawlietsph]

I feel this. In a slightly different way, but still similar in a lot of ways. I've never quite had 2 straight weeks that I can remember that resembled anything close to feeling "positive, thinking my life is beautiful, thinking I'm attractive or will find a partner who would love me, that everything would be "awesome", that I'd get rich, that I'm not ugly, that I'd stick to my work out routine or diet. I've had glimpses though. I have had small short spurts. The longest maybe 5 days give or take a little bit. It comes in waves for me, more frequent short lasting waves though. It used to be a more ebb and flow but now the tide kinda just always swallows me. I used to be like that kind of though. I used to have days where I tricked myself into thinking I could get better. That I could change. That I had the ability to just change some shitty habits and quirks in my personality and then everything would be ok. Fuck. I tried. I wanted it. I get it. Then it just wins. The depression just fucking wins. It's stronger than me. It's faster than me. It's smarter than me. I can't beat it because it IS ME. Like, I'm at war with myself everyday and the part of me that is self hatred that wants me dead is relentless. It has infected my consciousness to where it has essentially hijacked my entire mind to where there is nothing but negativity no matter which direction I look. It sucks. I'm sorry. This website has brought me so much comfort since I found it. Not enough, but it is very nice to find a community of people that don't gaslight you and invalidate your thoughts and feelings when you have no one to talk to. I hate this shit. For me. For all of us. I know that doesn't change anything but I really do. I don't think any of us deserve this shit.

You actually described it perfectly. I wish for these "better" days to not even exist because it just makes everything worse.
I think overall hope is what makes things awful.
The slight hope that maybe one day you'll wake up and see things differently.
Hope that this world isn't so cruel after all, and it was all just a dream, because people are good and there's no cruelty, poverty, suffering.
But there is.
The reality is that all of this is just horrible. I don't want to have hope anymore, because it makes me feel worse.
And like you've said, depression always wins in the end, you cannot fight it. I've tried therapy maaaany times for many years, and yeah, it made me feel slightly better for an hour after the session, but that's it. I took antidepressants for 15 years, but all it did was making me feel numb. There's no cure and you can't run away from your own head.
I like this site too, because I don't have to be scared from getting messages like "OH, HAVE YOU TRIED SPORTS AND MEDITATION? " but it doesn't bring that level of comfort I wish to have. Anyway

 

[futurebuscatcher]

I feel this so bad.

I get "happy" and then I look back on the memory and realize that I wasn't really happy to begin with at all even in the moment. Or maybe that's what my brain tells me in retrospect.

I honestly can't tell if I have ever truly been happy or if happiness will always be some sorta weird 'episode' or 'moment' that's doomed to fade or exists solely to torment me.

I hope that it becomes more manageable to you and the you can understand it better.

 

[vauhmit]

It feels like I'm wasting my own time and the time of others when I do something, even if it's positive. Despite what happened every day at the end of the day I come home and I feel like shit and at the start of every day I wake up with physical pain in my chest because of how bad I feel. If I have to make such an effort to escape from my depression for an hour or two just for it to all come back.. what's the point?

 

[Major Tom]

Kinda weird how i had a few month where i got on a selfemprovment path and droped the antidepressants. And after i got over my brakeup, i really hit the gym hard and wanted to improve every aspect of my life. Since then i had filled the void with becoming the best and soothing my fragile ego. But through that my flaws of looks and mental processing capabilities, which were provided by my parents became apparent. From that point on everything went downhill again. I really thought i can just workout and stopped being depressed. How funny. Now i have potential bdd, brutal perfectionism and hate my family, who are the only socials i still had. So never give up, cus if u are really gifted, the mental problems u can accumulate through improving your life are limitless. ;)