The bells are tolling

[Empty Smile]

The bells are tolling, indicating my time is near. I have been a member of SS for nearly 2 years, but have been an anxiety, depressed filled somewhat of a half ass human for 40 something years of my life. It's been a long thought out process of where I am now. Nothing I have done has improved my life, or eased my depression, which includes trips to the psych ward, doctors, nurses, medication, and even going into the woods for several months to try and find myself.

In the 2 years I have been here, I have seen people come and go. Some have gone to the other side, and some have gone to give life another chance. I have met some awesome people here, who have been great to talk too.

@Stan, @EvilAngelGoddess, @Jean4, @Rallyon , @SinisterKid , @Final Escape , and others I have missed, you all have been my shoulder to cry on, my rock when I need to be held down. I shall miss all of you.

To all the others, whom I have spoken with, or didn't know you were here, if you can get help, seek it. Some issues can be solved with meds or the right person to talk too. Don't make a final decision on this ctb situation until you have exhausted all chances of healing. It's something you can't reverse once you do the deed.

To the mods who made SS, and those who maintain it to keep it sane, thank you. Without you, most of us would have been laying in a ditch somewhere dead by now, if not for this site. I can, and will, give it the recognition it deserves, as it has kept me alive longer because of the caring people I have come in contact with here.

To the Good Samaritans, and spies who work to bring this site, and any other sites down, do not just focus on the ones who have acted on their suicide. SS has had more turn arounds than you know, but you don't focus on that. I have seen more people give life another go, than the actual suicide.

I will be heading out late tonight to an undisclosed location, do little bit of hiking in the morning to a remote area. Hopefully I will succeed... If not successful, I will remain in the woods and let mother nature run her course. I have always loved being in the woods, and have chosen that to be my final place.

When I determine my time is near, I will self ban, and destroy my phone(I have not used incognito mode for quite some time, and will destroy any evidence of this site).


This song from Ozzy has spoken to me in a way that no human could ever do. It's worth watching if you've never seen it.

Love and peace to all.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I will miss you... You were my first friend here... You gave me advice that made me stronger... And I won't ever forget you... My eyes fill with tears as I read.... I truly hope you find the peace you deserve my friend.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm sorry you are going. I hope you do what is right for you and your suffering is eased.

 

[Empty Smile]

I will miss you... You were my first friend here... You gave me advice that made me stronger... And I won't ever forget you... My eyes fill with tears as I read.... I truly hope you find the peace you deserve my friend.

Just remember what I've always said. One foot in front of the other, and keep stepping forward one step at a time.

 

[Final Escape]

Nooooo will miss u around here. This is so horrible. It's likely I won't be far behind u. I'm trapped in a undesirable situation as a result of the great shutdown. Hope to meet u in another life or on the other side whatever that means or looks like. Goodbye

 

[jgm63]

If you decide to go ahead, then I wish you a safe onward journey.....

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going to go. However, I wish that you are able to find peace.

 

[Brink]

Your beautiful words brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry and I wish more for you. All the very best x

 

[Empty Smile]

I have arrived to the area I plan to go into the woods, but instead of going in, I decided on a room for the night with some beer. Planning on an early morning hike for several miles and find a nice little place. I'm hoping for an area with a small stream bubbling by, but I'll take what I can get.

 

[waterbottleman]

I have arrived to the area I plan to go into the woods, but instead of going in, I decided on a room for the night with some beer. Planning on an early morning hike for several miles and find a nice little place. I'm hoping for an area with a small stream bubbling by, but I'll take what I can get.

Just curious, why are you choosing to ctb in a forest instead of at a hotel or something?

Seems like most people ctb indoors, before covid-19 I planned on ctbing in a hotel room. However now that there's a quarantine and I don't want to ctb at my home, I'm considering ctbing in a forest as well.

 

[Empty Smile]

Just curious, why are you choosing to ctb in a forest instead of at a hotel or something?

Seems like most people ctb indoors, before covid-19 I planned on ctbing in a hotel room. However now that there's a quarantine and I don't want to ctb at my home, I'm considering ctbing in a forest as well.

I've always been an outdoor person. Being in the woods is where I've always felt at home. It's been my plan for years to die in solitude with mother nature.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

You write so beautifully..

I wish you nothing but peace and love

 

[waterbottleman]

I've always been an outdoor person. Being in the woods is where I've always felt at home. It's been my plan for years to die in solitude with mother nature.

That makes sense. Good luck to you.

Perhaps I will follow what you're doing fairly soon.

 

[Sensei]

That's the wisest and most beautiful post I've read in this forum. It makes me wish you would stay and act as a mentor for young people, here and elsewhere. I can't write anything that can match that.

I've read many of your posts, but I shan't pretend that I know you. The reason I post here is that when I read your post, I see a brother in you. I'm also a 40 something half ass human, as you put it, and I've also explored many paths that I've thought would lead to recovery. I haven't given up all hope just yet, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. I can tell that you're a good person and I want to reason with you and make you postpone your departure. I'm sure you would listen patiently, but I'm just as sure I wouldn't be able to change your mind. You're no confused youngster and you have thought this through thoroughly. If you're time has come, you're time has come, but as many have said before me, there's no shame in changing your mind. If you decide to go through with this, I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly and that you get the rest you deserve.

 

[Iloveyouall]

I wish I knew you. Didn't know that Ozzy song, thanks for sharing it.

 

[departing]

I hope you find peace.

 

[Broken Chimera]

I leave for a few days and come back to see this. We didn't talk much, but you seem like a genuine person. I'm sorry to read this, but I hope you find peace.

 

[Empty Smile]

That's the wisest and most beautiful post I've read in this forum. It makes me wish you would stay and act as a mentor for young people, here and elsewhere. I can't write anything that can match that.

I've read many of your posts, but I shan't pretend that I know you. The reason I post here is that when I read your post, I see a brother in you. I'm also a 40 something half ass human, as you put it, and I've also explored many paths that I've thought would lead to recovery. I haven't given up all hope just yet, but I don't know how long I can go on like this. I can tell that you're a good person and I want to reason with you and make you postpone your departure. I'm sure you would listen patiently, but I'm just as sure I wouldn't be able to change your mind. You're no confused youngster and you have thought this through thoroughly. If you're time has come, you're time has come, but as many have said before me, there's no shame in changing your mind. If you decide to go through with this, I'll keep my fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly and that you get the rest you deserve.

40+ years of battling the same demons over and over have worn me down. Add the death of my gf five and half years ago, and now I've got no fight left.

When I first came here, I never thought of being a mentor, and I still would not want to be one. One person here I've known since she first came here, @Rallyon, became one of my hardcore people I could rely on and trust to talk too. I've walked her through a lot of her issues and she seems to be heading toward a better path, and I hope she continues to follow it. She's a great person, and deserves better than what she had been going through.

Don't get me wrong, everyone here deserves better than what they were given. Although as much as I'd like to help(or try to), my own battles have become overwhelming. My own dark hell prevents me from doing anything more. And to battle for 40 more years? No thanks.

Thank you for the kind words. They really mean a lot, and I will take them with me.

In a few more hours, I will be heading out. When my name has a line through it, you'll know my time has arrived.

Love and peace to all.

I wish I knew you. Didn't know that Ozzy song, thanks for sharing it.

It's a great song, and I think the kids did an excellent job in the video. The song speaks volumes for me, and the last few weeks I have listened to it 100 times a day. It never got old. :)

I hope you find peace.

Thank you. I hope you do as well.

I leave for a few days and come back to see this. We didn't talk much, but you seem like a genuine person. I'm sorry to read this, but I hope you find peace.

I know, I just had to screw up your several day leave from here didn't I? Lol

I know we have commented on each other's posts and threads, and it was always enjoyable. I hope things get better for you, if not, I'll make sure I have an empty bus for everyone!

 

[Darkhaven]

With each loss of one of our "founding fathers" the more poor and destructured this place gets.
I feel like when one of our older and wisest members departs it's like removing a vigorous pillar from an old and fragile building or taking the rarest and most valuables assets from a collection.
The bundle will remain but without the few rare components, it will never be the same or have the same value.
It is thereby with great sadness that i read this post, as i feel sorry not only for our comunity but also for your situation, even though we have never talked. The fact that we are both here is enough to make me sympathize and care for you and all the other members.
As a way of saying goodbye i would like to thank you for your wise and knowleadgeable approach to many of the issues and discussions we have had here as well as for your valuable contributions to make this website a better, more humane and rational place. It's members like you that help to keep this "ship" from being caught in all these storms that so vigoursly and frequently approach us, irrationaly and impulsively wanting to devour all of us in their incomprehensible, hyteric behaviour.
I fear for the survivability of this place without the watchful eye of members like you and others that you mentioned. I shall do my part, however small it is.
To finish, i would like to send you my most sincere wishes of good luck and sucess in whatever road you decide to take.
May all the pain and distress you have felt or are currently feeling come to an end.
Farewell my friend!

 

[Empty Smile]

With each loss of one of our "founding fathers" the more poor and destructured this place gets.
I feel like when one of our older and wisest members departs it's like removing a vigorous pillar from an old and fragile building or taking the rarest and most valuables assets from a collection.
The bundle will remain but without the few rare components, it will never be the same or have the same value.
It is thereby with great sadness that i read this post, as i feel sorry not only for our comunity but also for your situation, even though we have never talked. The fact that we are both here is enough to make me sympathize and care for you and all the other members.
As a way of saying goodbye i would like to thank you for your wise and knowleadgeable approach to many of the issues and discussions we have had here as well as for your valuable contributions to make this website a better, more humane and rational place. It's members like you that help to keep this "ship" from being caught in all these storms that so vigoursly and frequently approach us, irrationaly and impulsively wanting to devour all of us in their incomprehensible, hyteric behaviour.
I fear for the survivability of this place without the watchful eye of members like you and others that you mentioned. I shall do my part, however small it is.
To finish, i would like to send you my most sincere wishes of good luck and sucess in whatever road you decide to take.
May all the pain and distress you have felt or are currently feeling come to an end.
Farewell my friend!

Thanks for the grin of calling me a "founding father"! You make me feel older than dirt!

But I am not one of the originals whose been here since day 1. I think there were maybe almost 100 people here already when I joined up. So there are others who deserve the founding fathers name more than I do!

 

[Darkhaven]

Thanks for the grin of calling me a "founding father"! You make me feel older than dirt!

But I am not one of the originals whose been here since day 1. I think there were maybe almost 100 people here already when I joined up. So there are others who deserve the founding fathers name more than I do!

Hehe, as you probably guessed, (I really hope so) it was far from my intentions to make you feel old!
I said it in a more admirational and respectful sense.
"Founding Father" or not, you deserve all the recognition and appreciation from all of us.
I hope you are well and comfortable wherever you are right now.
Big Hug!

 

[Iloveyouall]

It never got old. :)

Ozzy never gets old ;)

 

[Empty Smile]

So I found an ok spot, surrounded by trees(in the woods, I guess that's pretty obvious huh?)... As I wild guess I'd say I'm probably about 7 or 8 miles in, and phone service is spotty, shitty at most.

Did a little scouting around for any signs of other human life or if anyone had been in the area recent. No old fire pits, beer cans, or any other trash, the way it looks, no one has been here in years, if ever.

Now that I'm here, I feel rather peaceful. I feel as if I am back home where I belong. Sounds like thousands of birds chirping through the trees, squirrels doing their normal acrobatic tricks of jumping and running around all crazy and shit. Other than one deer I saw earlier, it's pretty much all the wild life I've seen.

 

[Sensei]

It sounds beautiful and peaceful. How do you feel?

 

[Empty Smile]

It sounds beautiful and peaceful. How do you feel?

Believe it or not.... Peaceful. I almost can't describe it.

 

[Sensei]

Believe it or not.... Peaceful. I almost can't describe it.

That's relieving to hear. Your description of the place conjures such beautiful images in my mind that I wish I was there. It must be a balm for your soul.

 

[Empty Smile]

Went wandering for a bit, feels good being back in the woods. Spending one night to watch the sunrise one last time, then it will be time for me to go.

 

[Halo13]

Rest well. I hope your journey is as peaceful as you described.

 

[Empty Smile]

It's just about my time. This is my last post. I have come to terms with my decision and found peace with myself for this. I got to see the sun rise one last time, and smell the early morning woods.

Thanks to all of you for the kind words. It's been a long journey for me in this life, and it's time to move on to the next one, wherever it may be.

I've sat most the night and pondered my situation, and realized no matter which way I went in life, the bad always followed. It has been a no win situation. I guess I can say my demons have finally won.

Again, for those considering suicide, seek out all help first before jumping into something you can't come back from. There is always hope for people, and I hope all of you can move forward in life, and keep going.

Love all you guys and gals, and as I've said before, one foot in front of the other, and keep moving forward.

Peace

 

[Brackenshire]

Peace and love friend