Many things that I will write here can be called overthinking, overanalyzing and neurotic. But it is something I thought a lot about it. Though I struggle way way harder with the "being a smart person question". Both is my wording there is no official name for it. The things I describe is probably related to the impostor syndrome.
David Foster Wallace described many things in his story "Good Old Neon". I love this story and I can relate so much to it. I give some quotes to give insights what I mean.
"My whole life I've been a fraud. I'm not exaggerating. Pretty much all I've ever done all the time is try to create a certain impression of me in other people. Mostly to be liked or admired. It's a little more complicated than that, maybe. But when you come right down to it it's to be liked, loved. Admired, approved of, applauded, whatever. You get the idea. I did well in school, but deep down the whole thing's motive wasn't to learn or improve myself but just to do well, to get good grades and make sports teams and perform well. To have a good transcript or varsity letters to show people. I didn't enjoy it much because I was always scared I wouldn't do well enough. The fear made me work really hard, so I'd always do well and end up getting what I wanted. But then, once I got the best grade or made All City or got Angela Mead to let me put my hand on her breast, I wouldn't feel much of anything except maybe fear that I wouldn't be able to get it again."
"Putting in all this time and energy to create a certain impression and get approval or acceptance that then I felt nothing about because it didn't have anything to do with who I really was inside, and I was disgusted with myself for always being such a fraud, but I couldn't seem to help it."
"The fraudulence paradox was that the more time and effort you put into trying to appear impressive or attractive to other people, the less impressive or attractive you felt inside — you were a fraud. And the more of a fraud you felt like, the harder you tried to convey an impressive or likable image of yourself so that other people wouldn't find out what a hollow, fraudulent person you really were."
I think these quotes show very well what I want to say. I have very similar thoughts and I can relate damn well. It is really astonishing how similar this is to my inner thoughts. It is probably a certain form of the impostor syndrome. I have two major thought loops. The bigger issue is for me. Am I smart? How smart am I? Do I exaggerate my intelligence in front of other people? Do I act like I was very compentent or an expert on many issues despite the fact I barely no anything compared to real experts? And yes I think in these instances I am kind of a real impostor. I think the patterns of behavior stem from the bullying I had to endure as a teenager. So many people mocked me for being stupid or uneducated. I feel kind of pathetic for my need to impress people. Though when I succeed sometimes this gives me a pretty good feeling. So I take it despite the fact it is kind of shallow and pathetic. I struggle a lot and ruminate way too much on it.
The "being a good person paradox" is for more less of a problem. I think it is better depicted in other texts of DFW. I try to describe it. Am I really a good person or I do I only want to be perceived as being a good person? I think he struggled a lot with it. My personal solution is the following: I just try to do good deeds and I try to help people. No matter which the motives are the positive effect on other other people is way more important than the intentions. This is decisive. This is at least my answer to this paradox. I think even in voluntary work there is often a small percentage of wanting to feel better with yourself and not only altruism.
As you can see I struggle a lot with wanting to leave a certain impression in the mind of other people. Then there is the paradox of how transparency on this fact can be seen as manipulative. DFW describes something similar. I think another thing becomes clear I am a pretty "verkopfter" guy. "Verkopft" is a German word and it is pretty fitting and hard to translate literally. A somewhat translation could be: to be led by one's head, not one's heart
Maybe people with the impostor syndrome can somewhat relate.
David Foster Wallace described many things in his story "Good Old Neon". I love this story and I can relate so much to it. I give some quotes to give insights what I mean.
"My whole life I've been a fraud. I'm not exaggerating. Pretty much all I've ever done all the time is try to create a certain impression of me in other people. Mostly to be liked or admired. It's a little more complicated than that, maybe. But when you come right down to it it's to be liked, loved. Admired, approved of, applauded, whatever. You get the idea. I did well in school, but deep down the whole thing's motive wasn't to learn or improve myself but just to do well, to get good grades and make sports teams and perform well. To have a good transcript or varsity letters to show people. I didn't enjoy it much because I was always scared I wouldn't do well enough. The fear made me work really hard, so I'd always do well and end up getting what I wanted. But then, once I got the best grade or made All City or got Angela Mead to let me put my hand on her breast, I wouldn't feel much of anything except maybe fear that I wouldn't be able to get it again."
"Putting in all this time and energy to create a certain impression and get approval or acceptance that then I felt nothing about because it didn't have anything to do with who I really was inside, and I was disgusted with myself for always being such a fraud, but I couldn't seem to help it."
"The fraudulence paradox was that the more time and effort you put into trying to appear impressive or attractive to other people, the less impressive or attractive you felt inside — you were a fraud. And the more of a fraud you felt like, the harder you tried to convey an impressive or likable image of yourself so that other people wouldn't find out what a hollow, fraudulent person you really were."
I think these quotes show very well what I want to say. I have very similar thoughts and I can relate damn well. It is really astonishing how similar this is to my inner thoughts. It is probably a certain form of the impostor syndrome. I have two major thought loops. The bigger issue is for me. Am I smart? How smart am I? Do I exaggerate my intelligence in front of other people? Do I act like I was very compentent or an expert on many issues despite the fact I barely no anything compared to real experts? And yes I think in these instances I am kind of a real impostor. I think the patterns of behavior stem from the bullying I had to endure as a teenager. So many people mocked me for being stupid or uneducated. I feel kind of pathetic for my need to impress people. Though when I succeed sometimes this gives me a pretty good feeling. So I take it despite the fact it is kind of shallow and pathetic. I struggle a lot and ruminate way too much on it.
The "being a good person paradox" is for more less of a problem. I think it is better depicted in other texts of DFW. I try to describe it. Am I really a good person or I do I only want to be perceived as being a good person? I think he struggled a lot with it. My personal solution is the following: I just try to do good deeds and I try to help people. No matter which the motives are the positive effect on other other people is way more important than the intentions. This is decisive. This is at least my answer to this paradox. I think even in voluntary work there is often a small percentage of wanting to feel better with yourself and not only altruism.
As you can see I struggle a lot with wanting to leave a certain impression in the mind of other people. Then there is the paradox of how transparency on this fact can be seen as manipulative. DFW describes something similar. I think another thing becomes clear I am a pretty "verkopfter" guy. "Verkopft" is a German word and it is pretty fitting and hard to translate literally. A somewhat translation could be: to be led by one's head, not one's heart
Maybe people with the impostor syndrome can somewhat relate.
