The absolute nightmarish terror of failed attempts... It might be pushing me towards recovery.

[Dontwant2Bhere]

I am considering the path of recovery.

If for no other reason than the fact that the sheer utter *COSMIC LEVEL* nightmarish *HELL* (!!!) that is experienced when you're fluttering in and out of consciousness from a failed attempt...

Have failed multiple partial hangings... Multiple drug overdoses (very serious ones, rhabdomyolysis with kidney failure as result)... One jumping attempt (cracked skull and broke shoulder) ...

The theme with many of these, is during the attempt, or waking up from the attempt, there is literally more fear, terror, and the feeling of "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME HAVE I DONE??!!? NO NO NO NO PLEASE JESUS PLEASE ***GOD***!!! SAVE ME!!!" with a more primal horror and terror than can even be put into words...

What a nightmarish reality, this universe is, where such horrific feelings can be felt

Gotten so close so many times to ending it, then after failing I tell myself to never do that ever the fuck again. But then like clockwork, I do it again...

At this point though, I have so much PTSD and have ruined my life so much further than most could comprehend, that the idea of recovery sounds laughable, no idea how have years left I even have after all the devastation I've wrought on myself...

What is the point of this post, you might ask?

Here it is: DON'T COMMIT SUICIDE / DON'T TRY TO COMMIT SUICIDE. The places you can end up in as a result of trying to die (and how bad your life can TRULY GET) is much more terrifying, permanent, and all around evil form of existence than any short term crisis you may be facing.

That is all...

 

[sanctionedusage]

yes.. a series of these gave me disabling panic disorder for months to years afterwards since i was 16. changed my brain chemistry forever. a reaction that severe isn't too common afaik. most people are shaken for a bit and then return to a normal depressed life or attempt again. im definitely predisposed to anxiety/ocd in the first place.

 

[Dontwant2Bhere]

yes.. a series of these gave me disabling panic disorder for months to years afterwards since i was 16. changed my brain chemistry forever. a reaction that severe isn't too common afaik. most people are shaken for a bit and then return to a normal depressed life or attempt again. im definitely predisposed to anxiety/ocd in the first place.

Me too, I have horrible pack attacks and nightmares every night from the attempts I've made, and the things in my life that have made death feel necessary in the first place. Already had generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, ADHD, depression, AND bipolar before all these attempts...

And yes, it might but be uncommon to get that kind of reaction, but... I never got those reactions, until I started *actually* going for ACTUAL death, instead of just tickling the edge of death...

Feel like I'm about to puke even talking about it. It's that friggin bad

And that's why I'm so scared of actually succeeding now... What 100x even worse than this, could lie beyond the veil..

If there's one thing I've learned in life, is there is a practical to limit to how happy one can be. It can be EXTREMELY HAPPY, euphoric even. But the limits of suffering? They seem to go much, MUCHHH deeper than happiness or peacefulness does. It's literally like there's no limits to how bad things can actually be, in terms of perceived negative experience. At least for me.

And death itself, when approaching it (or after having pushed into it) feels like a wall of magnetized energy to me. Like pushing against a magnet. It's a force, that pushes you away from it (away from death), and the harder you try to push into it, the more severe the pushing back it does back onto you. And when it pushes back onto you, it's pure nightmare/horror energy. Like, PURE PURE. Shit the body and mind is not meant to freaking experience

 

[sanctionedusage]

Me too, I have horrible pack attacks and nightmares every night from the attempts I've made, and the things in my life that have made death feel necessary in the first place. Already had generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, ADHD, depression, AND bipolar before all these attempts...

And yes, it might but be common to get that kind of reaction, but... I never got those reactions, until I started *actually* going for ACTUAL death, instead of just tickling the edge of death...

Feel like I'm about to puke even talking about it. It's that friggin bad

I remember going to the ER up to 7x a week and spilling my guts out about everything I'd done to make sure I didn't have head trauma or a cerebral hemorrhage or a dissected carotid artery. I was convinced the daily panic attacks, migraines, general sickness were all divine punishment for what I did. health anxiety and hypervigilance after a year of numbness + suicidal ideation felt painfully ironic and invalidating.

The staff told me they narrowly decided not to admit me anywhere for the suicide admissions because I was "very articulate" and the attempts were weeks ago.

I actually wasn't serious about my suicide at the time. I had been doing practices with partial every single day for a year, and one day it went too far. A while later I od'd on OTC sleeping aids, knowing fully well it wasn't fatal or dangerous, but still felt haunted by the symptoms.

I don't deal with the residual traumatic effects of these anymore, thank god. It's actually time for another attempt. but I've felt sick all day thinking about it. and most of it is out of anxiety that i'll pussy out, or fail, and fall into this spiral again of the mental aftermath i'm prone to. it's a neverending cycle with no clear escape. ctb and you risk the likely failure and a worsening of everything that drove you to it in the first place; don't ctb but you continue to deal with the same conditions as they've already been happening.