The 2 things stopping me from suiciding

[esistzeit]

1: Fear of the process of dying.
2 : Unable to let go of dreams.


1 - I'll be using sodium nitrite as my suicide method. Though I am familiar with the nausea caused by excessive salts, I'm still scared that it may be worse than what I'm expecting. I have always been super weak towards pain and discomfort, so it's no surprise here.
There are two ways to go about this. I could, A: intentionally and repeatedly cause nausea so that I grow used to the feeling and am no longer fazed by it; or B: think of way worse ways of dying, like being burned alive or being stabbed to death (this makes nausea & vomiting look like kid's play).
This is the easiest to overcome.


2 - There are innumerous things I didn't do that I wish I had; things that are forever lost and I'll never be able to have. The pain originated from this is the main cause of my suicidal urges. Because I cling to them so much, and because of this annoying little thing called "hope", I am unable to give up completely and just let go of everything.
I find it unacceptable that I came here just to feel pain. There's got to be something more other than this.
But how do I let go of things that are innate to me? People spend entire lifetimes trying to let go of their "earthly desires" and still fail. Sometimes it feels like it's just as hard to let go as it is to achieve them.
I think this is the biggest challenge. Allowing myself to die without having lived at all and being "okay" with it.
If I ever I figure this out maybe I'll be able to do it.

 

[vinlander]

I feel you. Specially about the 2nd reason.
Regardless of the decision you take (commit or recover) someone will always be there for you!
If u want to talk about anything, just dm me!!

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I relate to your first reason a lot but I don't relate to your second reason at all

 

[Cynacs]

I really feel the first reason. It is just scary.

I don't feel the second reason as I feel like at some point I became a shell of what I was. I lost the things I value, didn't care anymore. I guess at the same time I like to image if there is something after, I can achieve what really matters to me there (even though I am not really religious).

 

[moonoverthesea]

Hey, about the first reason. I have chronic nausea 24/7 because of a medical condition, and I just wanted to warn you that (in my case) you don't exactly grow used to it, so I'd really suggest not doing the "getting it to get used to it" thing. I had personally somewhat learnt to live with it when it's bearable, but when it's unbearable each time is worse than the previous one because the strength to get through it is less and less. And it won't make the suffering from the big nausea when the moment hits better, in my opinion. Sending hugs..

 

[esistzeit]

Hey, about the first reason. I have chronic nausea 24/7 because of a medical condition, and I just wanted to warn you that (in my case) you don't exactly grow used to it, so I'd really suggest not doing the "getting it to get used to it" thing. I had personally somewhat learnt to live with it when it's bearable, but when it's unbearable each time is worse than the previous one because the strength to get through it is less and less. And it won't make the suffering from the big nausea when the moment hits better, in my opinion. Sending hugs..

That must be really awful. Sorry you have to bear this, my friend.

So every time it happens it's its own fight? Good to know this. Thank you for the insight I hug you back

 

[moonoverthesea]

In my opinion, yes! I think you'd just put yourself through more unneeded suffering. I hope my message was helpful, I'd hate for someone to go through this needlessly :)

That must be really awful. Sorry you have to bear this, my friend.

So every time it happens it's its own fight? Good to know this. Thank you for the insight I hug you back