Lavínia
plalace
- Feb 19, 2024
- 51
I need to write something, some sense of expression. even if minimal
Why do we stay here? We wake up, get involved in problems (perhaps hunting them), and sink into the torrent of the construct. The social, the basis for everything that gives meaning to the routine. Studies, work, relationships. Focusing only on this construction, it is so weak, almost made of glass. And then you realize: it exists because there is emotion in the middle. Through dreams, improvement is sought, experience for future problems. Now, the emptiness becomes beautiful in the continuous search.
It's all a preparation.
Did we give up? Are we this? We can't handle the friendly current for future solutions, due to tiredness, contrary thinking or incapacity, and so we fall behind. Is it easier to die? I have lost my sense of identity. Before, a song would make me change my mind, go to another mood. Now there is a lack of connection, a barrier. Is this continuing? Being part of the preparation?
Too much time for little development, I haven't created anything. I have nothing that is mine, everything I fought for I gave up. This whole part that we recognize as 'life' now, of having something, being in this social environment or continuity, I have nothing, and I feel like I lost my place in it some time ago.
LGBT but I don't care about 'the cause', the community, how others have developed or the subject itself. Autistic, but I barely know what that means or affects my way of thinking, I don't feel any sympathy for people in the same situation, not even an interest in understanding the subject. I don't understand these people of my gender, I don't feel part of it. In my work, there is proximity to others, but I don't care about the bad things that happen, the good things that happen, I'm not with the company in expectation or wishing it harm. Nothing. Loved by my family, but I don't love them.
This is crap, that's the truth. I can't seek complexity or concise arguments, just grafts. Seams, sets of phrases and expressions.
I think the biggest reason I want to die is because this option exists in the first place. If I can choose between my effort, my achievements and dedication, or an escape and a definitive end, the option in which I put in less effort seems more viable. Even if it is the most painful and the one that destroys me. I want to die, and I gave up everything, studying, a good job, good relationships, a better future, just so I could live a little in comfort and throw it away without guilt and without any consequences.
I am a coward, that's all. There is no complexity, poetic expression, mishmash of words and beautiful concepts for this, it was just laziness and comfort. I preferred to lose 5-7 years of my life, in agony, suicidal planning, with no partner and low quality of life in general, so I could have less physical or mental effort to build things. Not to meet people, not to enter their world. Not to study abstract concepts. Not to have the courage or strength to get a decent job that will hire decent people, because I don't want to make the effort to be decent. All of this without any consequences, it will disappear later anyway.
I chose to die out of laziness.
Why do we stay here? We wake up, get involved in problems (perhaps hunting them), and sink into the torrent of the construct. The social, the basis for everything that gives meaning to the routine. Studies, work, relationships. Focusing only on this construction, it is so weak, almost made of glass. And then you realize: it exists because there is emotion in the middle. Through dreams, improvement is sought, experience for future problems. Now, the emptiness becomes beautiful in the continuous search.
It's all a preparation.
Did we give up? Are we this? We can't handle the friendly current for future solutions, due to tiredness, contrary thinking or incapacity, and so we fall behind. Is it easier to die? I have lost my sense of identity. Before, a song would make me change my mind, go to another mood. Now there is a lack of connection, a barrier. Is this continuing? Being part of the preparation?
Too much time for little development, I haven't created anything. I have nothing that is mine, everything I fought for I gave up. This whole part that we recognize as 'life' now, of having something, being in this social environment or continuity, I have nothing, and I feel like I lost my place in it some time ago.
LGBT but I don't care about 'the cause', the community, how others have developed or the subject itself. Autistic, but I barely know what that means or affects my way of thinking, I don't feel any sympathy for people in the same situation, not even an interest in understanding the subject. I don't understand these people of my gender, I don't feel part of it. In my work, there is proximity to others, but I don't care about the bad things that happen, the good things that happen, I'm not with the company in expectation or wishing it harm. Nothing. Loved by my family, but I don't love them.
This is crap, that's the truth. I can't seek complexity or concise arguments, just grafts. Seams, sets of phrases and expressions.
I think the biggest reason I want to die is because this option exists in the first place. If I can choose between my effort, my achievements and dedication, or an escape and a definitive end, the option in which I put in less effort seems more viable. Even if it is the most painful and the one that destroys me. I want to die, and I gave up everything, studying, a good job, good relationships, a better future, just so I could live a little in comfort and throw it away without guilt and without any consequences.
I am a coward, that's all. There is no complexity, poetic expression, mishmash of words and beautiful concepts for this, it was just laziness and comfort. I preferred to lose 5-7 years of my life, in agony, suicidal planning, with no partner and low quality of life in general, so I could have less physical or mental effort to build things. Not to meet people, not to enter their world. Not to study abstract concepts. Not to have the courage or strength to get a decent job that will hire decent people, because I don't want to make the effort to be decent. All of this without any consequences, it will disappear later anyway.
I chose to die out of laziness.
