Thank You

[NekoNomNom]

I am relatively new here, and yet I find more comfort on this website than I do anywhere else. I've been mostly bedridden these past two months (other than going to work) due to a severe spike with depression, so I find myself on my phone a lot more.

Before finding this forum, I spent a lot of time of Facebook and such, but I've stopped interacting with anybody or anything for some time now, so I mainly just lurk. Comparing to here, Facebook feels incredibly lonely now, and I find myself coming here more, even if I don't interact with anybody. I enjoy reading through your threads and even somewhat getting to know some of you through recurring posts.

Thank you, all, for giving me even just some comfort through this trying time. I hope I will be able to return the favor in some way or another.

 

[SpareWheel]

Hopefully in time you'll find yourself interacting more here, they're definitely a friendly bunch.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Hopefully in time you'll find yourself interacting more here, they're definitely a friendly bunch.

I've opened up here far more in the last three days than I've done on Facebook in the last two months. I feel I can relate more to people here, and more importantly, I can express how I'm really feeling without being told that I'm wrong, and without judgement. It's liberating, in a way.

Being told I'm mentally ill, threats to have me committed against my will, being told to "get over it," and all by people who say that they love and care about me; I hate having to go in circles in the same conversation with these people who just don't care to understand. It's all so exhausting.

 

[SpareWheel]

I've opened up here far more in the last three days than I've done on Facebook in the last two months. I feel I can relate more to people here, and more importantly, I can express how I'm really feeling without being told that I'm wrong, and without judgement. It's liberating, in a way.

Being told I'm mentally ill, threats to have me committed against my will, being told to "get over it," and all by people who say that they love and care about me; I hate having to go in circles in the same conversation with these people who just don't care to understand. It's all so exhausting.

Snap, I've totally given up on discussing my feelings with anyone in real life, whether it's friends, family or medical professionals - it's always the same with them, they either say it'll all get better or they offer up some glib advice about calling X number to chat to so-and-so, basically just absolving them of any responsibility cos God forbid them doing the job they're paid for if they can just give you a phone number and forget about you.
If they ask how I am now they get a generic, I'm fine thanks. I'd rather have them just smile than patronise me with any more false platitudes.

It's very liberating being here, without being judged or labelled. Which is entirely the opposite of Facebook if my memory is correct (I closed my account in 2015).

 

[NekoNomNom]

Snap, I've totally given up on discussing my feelings with anyone in real life, whether it's friends, family or medical professionals - it's always the same with them, they either say it'll all get better or they offer up some glib advice about calling X number to chat to so-and-so, basically just absolving them of any responsibility cos God forbid them doing the job they're paid for if they can just give you a phone number and forget about you.
If they ask how I am now they get a generic, I'm fine thanks. I'd rather have them just smile than patronise me with any more false platitudes.

It's very liberating being here, without being judged or labelled. Which is entirely the opposite of Facebook if my memory is correct (I closed my account in 2015).

Yeah, I've said what I've needed to say about my wellbeing and state of mind to specific people. I just let the rest go to voicemail, or leave them on read. Whenever people ask me how I am, I just reply with, "I'm here." Usually gets a light laugh out of people who have no idea what's going with me. Fine by me, so long as they don't get too inquisitive.

I've taken a few breaks from Facebook before. However, I think I want to keep my account for others to visit after I'm gone (should I muster up the courage to ctb.) There are some who I would like to have comfort in visiting my profile.

 

[niloc]

For the last few months that I've been going down this road, I've keep an eye on this site, reddit, etc and even posted a few times on other boards. Granted, I've just joined today, but I feel like it's nice having a place where I can type really what I'm feeling and not have to shield it. I've probably posted a few too many things on reddit under my normal account that I should have made an alt for, but screw it at this point. If someone reads a post history of mine, they're certainly going to know how I feel and where my heads been at these last few months. It's sure been a ride.

 

[NekoNomNom]

I've probably posted a few too many things on reddit under my normal account that I should have made an alt for, but screw it at this point. If someone reads a post history of mine, they're certainly going to know how I feel and where my heads been at these last few months. It's sure been a ride.

That's exactly how I view it. Everybody already knows how I've been feeling. The only thing I need from them is support of whatever decision I may come to. No judgement, not being looked down upon, not feeling invalidated. Just support. But that seems to be too much for some people. Especially those who I have done so much for, which feels like a slap in the face.

I've never really been reserved, or shy about wanting to die, in all honesty. I've made it clear before to people that I would most likely ctb when my son turns 18. At the time, it was just a matter of waiting, and seeing how my life turned out. Well, as of right now, my life has turned to shit, and I'm looking to fast forward that decision. It's just a matter of working up the courage to go through with it.

 

[SpareWheel]

Yeah, I've said what I've needed to say about my wellbeing and state of mind to specific people. I just let the rest go to voicemail, or leave them on read. Whenever people ask me how I am, I just reply with, "I'm here." Usually gets a light laugh out of people who have no idea what's going with me. Fine by me, so long as they don't get too inquisitive.

I've taken a few breaks from Facebook before. However, I think I want to keep my account for others to visit after I'm gone (should I muster up the courage to ctb.) There are some who I would like to have comfort in visiting my profile.

True. Before I left Facebook a very old friend of mine killed himself, over his ex not allowing him access to their kids. His profile was a shrine to him, people would go post on his birthday etc. I couldn't do it myself, tore me up too much because his death was a waste, he only had to fight a bit longer and he'd have gotten what he desired. But for those it did help, it was likely their only outlet. Still killed me a little seeing his face pop up when one of my pals commented on his page or something but then Facebook in general depressed me.

 

[niloc]

That's exactly how I view it. Everybody already knows how I've been feeling. The only thing I need from them is support of whatever decision I may come to. No judgement, not being looked down upon, not feeling invalidated. Just support. But that seems to be too much for some people. Especially those who I have done so much for, which feels like a slap in the face.

I've never really been reserved, or shy about wanting to die, in all honesty. I've made it clear before to people that I would most likely ctb when my son turns 18. At the time, it was just a matter of waiting, and seeing how my life turned out. Well, as of right now, my life has turned to shit, and I'm looking to fast forward that decision. It's just a matter of working up the courage to go through with it.

Yup, getting over that last hurdle is where I'm at. I've been to the point where it's simply a matter of pulling the hammer back (i'm using a single action firearm) and pointing at my head, pulling the trigger. Would take all of about 5 seconds. I've had that hammer pulled, just couldn't do it. I've even got the space behind my ear all picked out.

Within the next few weeks, it's extremely likely I'll be losing my job due to my mental health and simply being burnt out. That may simply be the push I need.

 

[NekoNomNom]

True. Before I left Facebook a very old friend of mine killed himself, over his ex not allowing him access to their kids. His profile was a shrine to him, people would go post on his birthday etc. I couldn't do it myself, tore me up too much because his death was a waste, he only had to fight a bit longer and he'd have gotten what he desired. But for those it did help, it was likely their only outlet. Still killed me a little seeing his face pop up when one of my pals commented on his page or something but then Facebook in general depressed me.

My condolences to your friend. I don't know what the situation was, but that's terrible that she didn't at least give him the opportunity to see their children.

There was a former classmate of mine, and my first elementary school crush, who I have on Facebook. I noticed that I hadn't seen anything from him in a while and thought he may have deleted me, so I went to check out his profile. It turns out that he had died the year before, possibly from heart failure. I had no idea. He was only 23. It tore me up pretty bad for a few days, even though we hadn't really interacted with each other for quite some time.

Yup, getting over that last hurdle is where I'm at. I've been to the point where it's simply a matter of pulling the hammer back (i'm using a single action firearm) and pointing at my head, pulling the trigger. Would take all of about 5 seconds. I've had that hammer pulled, just couldn't do it. I've even got the space behind my ear all picked out.

Within the next few weeks, it's extremely likely I'll be losing my job due to my mental health and simply being burnt out. That may simply be the push I need.

I hope that we'll both be able to find the courage to obtain the peace that we're looking for, whenever our times may come. I've backed out of a few attempts these last two months. The last time I tried partial suspension on impulse, along with partial OD, so no research or practice. I was just sitting there, waiting and hoping to fall asleep, just begging out in the air to finally take me. It's an awful thing to feel like you've failed.

 

[SpareWheel]

My condolences to your friend. I don't know what the situation was, but that's terrible that she didn't at least give him the opportunity to see their children.

There was a former classmate of mine, and my first elementary school crush, who I have on Facebook. I noticed that I hadn't seen anything from him in a while and thought he may have deleted me, so I went to check out his profile. It turns out that he had died the year before, possibly from heart failure. I had no idea. He was only 23. It tore me up pretty bad for a few days, even though we hadn't really interacted with each other for quite some time.


I hope that we'll both be able to find the courage to obtain the peace that we're looking for, whenever our times may come. I've backed out of a few attempts these last two months. The last time I tried partial suspension on impulse, along with partial OD, so no research or practice. I was just sitting there, waiting and hoping to fall asleep, just begging out in the air to finally take me. It's an awful thing to feel like you've failed.

Thanks, he was a nice lad, just not very strong bless him, let everything affect him too much. Wasn't much of a situation there really, he just got mixed up with a bitch who used their children as a tool to hurt him, she'll have to live with that for the rest of her life - from what I hear from friends who still know of her, the children they shared dislike their mother now they're grown up, they blame her.

23? Wow that's young for heart failure, very sad - my condolences back. I've seen way too many people I went to school with pass away so I know the feeling it brings. Certainly makes you question why those of us that actually want to go are around to witness those that don't dying.

 

[NekoNomNom]

Thanks, he was a nice lad, just not very strong bless him, let everything affect him too much. Wasn't much of a situation there really, he just got mixed up with a bitch who used their children as a tool to hurt him, she'll have to live with that for the rest of her life - from what I hear from friends who still know of her, the children they shared dislike their mother now they're grown up, they blame her.

23? Wow that's young for heart failure, very sad - my condolences back. I've seen way too many people I went to school with pass away so I know the feeling it brings. Certainly makes you question why those of us that actually want to go are around to witness those that don't dying.

Honestly, I feel him there. I am a very emotional creature--to a fault, really. It's why I'm in my current situation.

Unfortunately, there are people who are like that in the world. I'm sorry your friend was a victim to such a person. She'll have to live with the consequence of that for the rest of her life.

Thank you. He had Dextrocardia, and liked to drink. Not in an alcoholic manner, but having a heart condition couldn't have helped anything. I guess they found him he his room, completely unresponsive. It really is a cruel irony having to witness things like that. Why is it so easy for others to leave, when we struggle to accomplish the same thing?

 

[SpareWheel]

Honestly, I feel him there. I am a very emotional creature--to a fault, really. It's why I'm in my current situation.

Unfortunately, there are people who are like that in the world. I'm sorry your friend was a victim to such a person. She'll have to live with the consequence of that for the rest of her life.

Thank you. He had Dextrocardia, and liked to drink. Not in an alcoholic manner, but having a heart condition couldn't have helped anything. I guess they found him he his room, completely unresponsive. It really is a cruel irony having to witness things like that. Why is it so easy for others to leave, when we struggle to accomplish the same thing?

Sods law I guess, or Murphys law depending on where you're from. The real irony would be if we all suddenly found happiness en masse, and then meet up for a massive celebration party and the place blows up. Be a good way to go though :) and the news reports would be hilarious.