Venting Thank you

[punkarmadillo]

After me asking a very kind member sent me the link to SN,( I am not comfortable passing it on so so excuse me saying this) but you have no idea how much this has helped me, knowing I have the means available in at most a couple Of weeks. It has made me realise I need to think what effect it might have on my little girl, my elderly mother and my husband.

I am at the stage I don't give a flying f about me, but am I going to destroy the future of a little girl, or end the life of my mother in severe distress, leave my husband wondering if it was his fault if I have it and take it.

It has made me admit to my husband the situation as is. He knows it's circumstantial and I cannot for medical reasons have antidepressants and god love him he's trying, but I surely have to find more than living just in order not to destroy others. This is a shitty place to be, but I know if I had the SN in hand, I would take it in an instant if I was feeling distressed or angry, which isn't what I want to do.currently they are out, and I realise I have so much to say but no one to say it too. I don't even know what I have to say but I can't say it around a child, and possibly not to my husband.

but how do you vocalise over 40 years of hurt, pain, rejection, feelings, how do I remove progressive illness, the despondency to my own being to those who are trying.

Edited to add he doesn't know about the SN but knows I don't play. That if I make the decision and have the means there's no turning back

 

[jodes2]

It's a great idea imo to communicate what you can. Maybe start with your husband if that's who you're closest to. You need to start somewhere. Maybe write a journal if no-one is around but talking to people is better.

 

[punkarmadillo]

It's a great idea imo to communicate what you can. Maybe start with your husband if that's who you're closest to. You need to start somewhere. Maybe write a journal if no-one is around but talking to people is better.

Thank you, I have to know I'm certain,my biggest fear is the effects on those I will leave behind.I truly love them and don't want to f them up.

 

[yeksovaz]

After me asking a very kind member sent me the link to SN,( I am not comfortable passing it on so so excuse me saying this) but you have no idea how much this has helped me, knowing I have the means available in at most a couple Of weeks. It has made me realise I need to think what effect it might have on my little girl, my elderly mother and my husband.

I am at the stage I don't give a flying f about me, but am I going to destroy the future of a little girl, or end the life of my mother in severe distress, leave my husband wondering if it was his fault if I have it and take it.

It has made me admit to my husband the situation as is. He knows it's circumstantial and I cannot for medical reasons have antidepressants and god love him he's trying, but I surely have to find more than living just in order not to destroy others. This is a shitty place to be, but I know if I had the SN in hand, I would take it in an instant if I was feeling distressed or angry, which isn't what I want to do.currently they are out, and I realise I have so much to say but no one to say it too. I don't even know what I have to say but I can't say it around a child, and possibly not to my husband.

but how do you vocalise over 40 years of hurt, pain, rejection, feelings, how do I remove progressive illness, the despondency to my own being to those who are trying.

Edited to add he doesn't know about the SN but knows I don't play. That if I make the decision and have the means there's no turning back

You are an incredibly strong person, to think about your loved ones in times of great hardship is a trait of good people. Sending love your way.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in, and it really sounds like you've suffered a lot so your wish to leave is understandable. But anyway, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Doodeliedone]

I am kind of in the same position (parent). I have people I actually can not leave behind because I am very afraid it will F them up.. But I am also afraid that letting them near me being this depressed all the time, F's them up as well. I have my SN around for almost 3 years and just the tought of having it, made me calm for a few years. Unfortunately now I am at the point again of leaving. Wrote a goodbye letter where I tell them how much I love them and that I actually don't want to miss them. I understand it is a very hard situation you're in. Sending you hugs

 

[punkarmadillo]

I am kind of in the same position (parent). I have people I actually can not leave behind because I am very afraid it will F them up.. But I am also afraid that letting them near me being this depressed all the time, F's them up as well. I have my SN around for almost 3 years and just the tought of having it, made me calm for a few years. Unfortunately now I am at the point again of leaving. Wrote a goodbye letter where I tell them how much I love them and that I actually don't want to miss them. I understand it is a very hard situation you're in. Sending you hugs

This is the problem isn't it. Damned if we do and damned if we don't. Please stay with us also. They didn't ask for this. It's crap, we feel stuck, have a way, yet have this fear of fucking others up as we know all too well how it feels having this huge blackness.

 

[Doodeliedone]

This is the problem isn't it. Damned if we do and damned if we don't. Please stay with us also. They didn't ask for this. It's crap, we feel stuck, have a way, yet have this fear of fucking others up as we know all too well how it feels having this huge blackness.

Yes exactly this. I don't want to be the parent whose kids have to say, my mom rarely did anything fun with me. But I also don't want to be the one they say she selfishly left us here alone. I am afraid they will not understand what it's like to feel this way. And hopefully ofcourse they won't but it is just that we don't know.

 

[punkarmadillo]

I'm an idiot.
nothing improves.
talking gets me nowhere.

I tried.

 

[clicmsf]

I wish i could have your courage. I wish you all the best