Thank You SS.

[Circles]

I'm going through another horrible phase in my life. I've been fighting the suicidal thoughts for years now and I keep trying despite falling into the abyss so many times. Things are just getting worse senselessly as usual and I'm lost. I'm not going to get into it. You know I feel embarrassed, shame and even guilt that I am still here especially coming back to this site like a perpetual cycle. I'm hesitant to ever post anything anymore because I've become so jaded with life, lazy and embarrassed. In my darkest moments somehow this site just gives me an indescribable sense of hope. Like yea I want to kill myself constantly, but at the same this place gives me the courage to look at death and say not today. My ideas of death have evolved over the years, this site has opened my eyes to the realities of suicide especially. I'm not going to lie y'all I'm scared my time with death is coming and I'm still scared and if anyone says they aren't then they're lying in my opinion. But I hate how that makes me a hypocrite in a way. This is what happens to people who wait.

It is not worth the bother of killing yourself, since you always kill yourself too late.

Emil Cioran wrote that. The longer I'm alive and suicidal the more I find even suicide to be pointless in a way. Like the mental damage and numbness just makes you so jaded to even care anymore. Suicide may end the pain but it can't change or explain away the senseless irreversible damage done to you. I don't know what's going to happen, but as things get worse I feel like I'll lose my final battle with suicide one way or another.

I appreciate this site the longer I'm alive and I want to give my sheer appreciation for the strength, guidance and acceptance that this site has given me along the way. Thank You SS for being a part of my journey. Thank You for teaching me self acceptance by forgiving yourself however one can. I wish everyone peace and compassion for yourselves in your darkest moments and that no matter what your troubles your pain shouldn't define you.

 

[banger12]

I'm new here but I found your post to be beautiful and touching, even of it's dark and a result of unfortunate circumstances. I wish you the best of luck in life, no matter what you do. I do hope that either way you'll be able to be less hard on yourself. Like you said, this place offers acceptance, so if it helps to post or talk here don't let shame or embarrassment deter you. Best wishes - banger12

(P.S. this might be slightly shitty of me but would you recommend Cioran? I'm a bit of a reader and pessimistic philosophy interests me is why I ask. Sorry if that's inappropriate.)

 

[Circles]

I'm new here but I found your post to be beautiful and touching, even of it's dark and a result of unfortunate circumstances. I wish you the best of luck in life, no matter what you do. I do hope that either way you'll be able to be less hard on yourself. Like you said, this place offers acceptance, so if it helps to post or talk here don't let shame or embarrassment deter you. Best wishes - banger12

(P.S. this might be slightly shitty of me but would you recommend Cioran? I'm a bit of a reader and pessimistic philosophy interests me is why I ask. Sorry if that's inappropriate.)

It's okay. Cioran helped me at my worst when I was bedridden. If I could shake his hand I would but after learning about him he wouldn't like any praise. Another that impacted my way of thinking in a depressing but yet positive way was 'The Book of Disquiet' by Fernando Pessoa. I miss having the energy to read. Best wishes to you.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

I'm here since 2 days and it's great. I can finally write my thoughts and I'm not insulted for it or called weak like usual. Its peaceful.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I used to think things could be pointless but the older I've gotten the more I've realized that nothing is pointless. We just ignore what means the least to us even the smallest things in our lives that all add up to make up who we are. Like the cells in our bodies and the chemicals swimming around in our brains.

Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed for not killing yourself or guilty or whatever for not doing it then or now or even in the future. Like there's no need to feel ashamed for being alive and wanting to die and not killing yourself. Here now or back then.

Concerning the quote you shared that can be said about a lot of things. Waiting too long for anything means you're probably doing it at the last minute. It's like looking for your keys it's the last place you look. HAHA. The last second before you CTB if you do CTB will be a little too late because it's the last instance of you being alive.

I think one of the saddest things about death and dying is that we've put so many constraints on it, rules, and limitations. We've pushed it so far away from our lives. The dying tend to die in facilities, the dead are bagged up and shipped out to be held in refrigeration far away from their families. We've lost our relationship with death. We've lost our reverence and respect for it. We think we can live forever with medicine and all these things we do to ourselves to stay "healthy" to stave off the inevitable for so long.

Fear of death makes us all cowards. And it's so sad to think about it. Most of us spend all this time mourning death instead of celebrating life when someone dies. We treat these people like empty husks to be bagged up shipped out and boxed up before they're either buried or burned.

God, I hate it. This fear of death. It wasn't too long ago people buried their own family members. Kept their bodies at home. Washed them and dressed them. Celebrated their love for them. It's so sad to think about so many people dying in hospitals mostly alone. It's so depressing to think we can't die the same way we've lived. This idea that people can die young too is so silly to me. Like death isn't concerned with your lifestyle or your age. Death comes for everyone.