Thank you, farewell! (UPDATE: postponed)

[dazed_dreamer]

Tonight is the night. I was unsure for a few days, but now I am set. I am planning to hang myself around 11PM EST. I will probably be hanging around on here as well as tidying up and finishing my note. I'l log off around 10:15 EST to factory reset my laptop and spend a few moments on my own, maybe in prayer...

Thank you for being a place to vent these past few weeks. It's been such a relief to talk authentically about these things without worrying about upsetting friends, not being understood, or drastic intervention. Thank you to those who read my stuff, replied, or just for being here. I wish you all the best; I hope you find peace and love and everything else good that you crave, ideally in this life, but wherever you must. God bless

UPDATE: see my reply a few messages down for the update. I want to keep this up as a sort of log for myself. But CTB has been postponed

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best of luck with your plans.

 

[Yuri_gami]

It was quite the ride you've taken us through, so it's nice to see an at least some what happy ending to it.

Good luck, and in case I don't see you again, good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

 

[SVEN]

Sleep well, sleep easy DD, every good wish for your success.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Update: I was in the middle of writing my note, when a friend knocked on my door. We talked for a while--random light stuff, not about my mental state or plans, he probably has no clue. Another friend came along too. It was just a fun, wholesome hour or so with people I care about. They've been in my life a while, it doesn't change my illness or desperation for relief. But the mood just feels kinda wrong now I guess? And I was planning to doit in about an hour, but now I don't have time to get everything in order by then... And I'd feel kinda bad if this guy knew I off'ed myself less than two hours after we were hanging out. He's a sweet boy, I like talking to him, he likes talking to me (he just randomly knocks on my doors sometimes, like tonight. It's nice to feel wanted like that) and I guess he makes me want to stay around a little longer...

I'm meant to go on a road trip starting tomorrow for a few days, for fall break at college. Maybe I might as well go? Have an enjoyable few last days, sit with my final note for a bit to make sure it's what I want it to be, then CTB when I come back on Tuesday. I'm just not in the spirit to finish my note, cancel the trip, and commit right this second. Part of me just wants to do it now, I've wanted this and put it off for so long. But a few more days is fine, when those days will be fun. Hiking in the beautiful breezy autumn, exploring new towns with sweet friends, just a break from everything else. I was scared I would just be depressed and detached anyway. I could be, but I'm good at faking even if so, so at least I won't ruin their fun. It'll also be wise to see if getting away from school, and getting into nature surrounded by friends (the dream scenario) changes my perspective at all. If I still feel that I should CTB, then I know that that's the right choice. I feel pretty certain, but I guess not 100%, hence my hesitancy/inconsistency through this past few weeks (as you may have seen, lol, I'm sorry I'm like this). The more I think about it, the more this is making sense.

God, writing this makes me realize my life, situationally, is so blessed. Great friends and community, people willing to do stuff with me, fun opportunities, an able body, etc. I just wish I could mentally enjoy it, without being too depressed and/or dissociated to engage or feel apart of anything a good chunk of the time.

 

[crxssedho3]

Tonight is the night. I was unsure for a few days, but now I am set. I am planning to hang myself around 11PM EST. I will probably be hanging around on here as well as tidying up and finishing my note. I'l log off around 10:15 EST to factory reset my laptop and spend a few moments on my own, maybe in prayer...

Thank you for being a place to vent these past few weeks. It's been such a relief to talk authentically about these things without worrying about upsetting friends, not being understood, or drastic intervention. Thank you to those who read my stuff, replied, or just for being here. I wish you all the best; I hope you find peace and love and everything else good that you crave, ideally in this life, but wherever you must. God bless

I hope the afterlife sees you well

 

[udusa]

Update: I was in the middle of writing my note, when a friend knocked on my door. We talked for a while--random light stuff, not about my mental state or plans, he probably has no clue. Another friend came along too. It was just a fun, wholesome hour or so with people I care about. They've been in my life a while, it doesn't change my illness or desperation for relief. But the mood just feels kinda wrong now I guess? And I was planning to doit in about an hour, but now I don't have time to get everything in order by then... And I'd feel kinda bad if this guy knew I off'ed myself less than two hours after we were hanging out. He's a sweet boy, I like talking to him, he likes talking to me (he just randomly knocks on my doors sometimes, like tonight. It's nice to feel wanted like that) and I guess he makes me want to stay around a little longer...

I'm meant to go on a road trip starting tomorrow for a few days, for fall break at college. Maybe I might as well go? Have an enjoyable few last days, sit with my final note for a bit to make sure it's what I want it to be, then CTB when I come back on Tuesday. I'm just not in the spirit to finish my note, cancel the trip, and commit right this second. Part of me just wants to do it now, I've wanted this and put it off for so long. But a few more days is fine, when those days will be fun. Hiking in the beautiful breezy autumn, exploring new towns with sweet friends, just a break from everything else. I was scared I would just be depressed and detached anyway. I could be, but I'm good at faking even if so, so at least I won't ruin their fun. It'll also be wise to see if getting away from school, and getting into nature surrounded by friends (the dream scenario) changes my perspective at all. If I still feel that I should CTB, then I know that that's the right choice. I feel pretty certain, but I guess not 100%, hence my hesitancy/inconsistency through this past few weeks (as you may have seen, lol, I'm sorry I'm like this). The more I think about it, the more this is making sense.

God, writing this makes me realize my life, situationally, is so blessed. Great friends and community, people willing to do stuff with me, fun opportunities, an able body, etc. I just wish I could mentally enjoy it, without being too depressed and/or dissociated to engage or feel apart of anything a good chunk of the time.

Glad to see you could find some inspiration in your friends!

Life is always so unpredictable, for the better or for the worse