Treku
why am I even alive
- Oct 15, 2023
- 58
well I guess this is it. from now there is abt 3 hours untill I should be gone. I know I haven't been here for long but I can't believe how much this forum and the people in it mean to me. this has been the only place I have actually ever felt understood and able to be open with people that just get it. so idk how to show my gratitude but thank you all so much for making the last bit I was here a little better.
well here is my story ig.
you could probably say I was in a good house. i had an older brother and my parents could stand eachother enough to live in the same house and we had enough money for life and stuff. we were always very secluded from eachother never really talking abt stuff from others personal lives. but my parents gave their own sort of self centred affection and yeah, it was ok.
I have had horrible health cycles almost since I was born of extreme joint pain, migraines, unexplained bruising, excessive tiredness ect(this list never really ends lol). that sucked for a long time and never found any cause, diagnosis or treatment for any of it, so now I have just come to deal with it.
I don't know how I became to be how I am mentally. I struggled with figuring that out for so long trying to find a cause or a trigger for me to feel like this but I gave up. I just am like this and idk y.
I have sh for many years starting from like hitting myself to now cutting my thighs and forearms. it started as a way to release emotions then as a distraction from them and then to a punishment for everything. now I've come to realise that I would be addicted to cutting as well as all that and just yeah. idk what else to say abt this.
my first ctb attempt(overdose) I got caught and taken to a hospital then got forced to stay in the loony bin for a week or so I think. honestly that fucking sucked ass. probably the worse experience of my life other than having to live lol. after that I got chucked into a lot of therapy and like I'm not anti-therapy and know it can help people but not me, and I still stand by that now. also idk if it was just me but I feel like psychologists are some of the most obnoxious people alive. I've also tried meds and they have also done jack shit to help.
after that there was another ctb attempt, not really getting into it, ended up in the same thing pretty much exactly. ultimately this lead to me not being trusted by anyone that knows abt it around me and them being scared of me.
after all of this I have completely destroyed the relationship and the mental health of my bf. I'm pretty sure I've caused him to sh and into ctb Ideation. I've also ruined the lives of my family who now have to deal with me like this.
I've never been diagnosed with anything(mainly bc i dont care and cant be bothered) and prob don't have anything but who cares now.
I've written letters to the few people in my life like my parents, brother and bf as well as a friend and idk of that's overboard but whatever. I hope that idk it gives them at least some peace.
so now today. I've had this plan for quite a while now and picked this date abt 3 weeks ago(no reason for it, just convenient). I'm planning on jumping off a bridge into water so even if I don't die on impact ima def drown. I'm not really worried abt SI, I know how much of a factor it is, but i was stopping myself from jumping earlier this week and have my ways around it.
so yeah that's me. the weird kid with a turtle.
mods if you could strike out my name in like 24 hours that would be nice thanks.
idk what else to say. but thanks for being here with me and I hope everyone else is able to find the peace that they wish for.
Goodbye
well here is my story ig.
you could probably say I was in a good house. i had an older brother and my parents could stand eachother enough to live in the same house and we had enough money for life and stuff. we were always very secluded from eachother never really talking abt stuff from others personal lives. but my parents gave their own sort of self centred affection and yeah, it was ok.
I have had horrible health cycles almost since I was born of extreme joint pain, migraines, unexplained bruising, excessive tiredness ect(this list never really ends lol). that sucked for a long time and never found any cause, diagnosis or treatment for any of it, so now I have just come to deal with it.
I don't know how I became to be how I am mentally. I struggled with figuring that out for so long trying to find a cause or a trigger for me to feel like this but I gave up. I just am like this and idk y.
I have sh for many years starting from like hitting myself to now cutting my thighs and forearms. it started as a way to release emotions then as a distraction from them and then to a punishment for everything. now I've come to realise that I would be addicted to cutting as well as all that and just yeah. idk what else to say abt this.
my first ctb attempt(overdose) I got caught and taken to a hospital then got forced to stay in the loony bin for a week or so I think. honestly that fucking sucked ass. probably the worse experience of my life other than having to live lol. after that I got chucked into a lot of therapy and like I'm not anti-therapy and know it can help people but not me, and I still stand by that now. also idk if it was just me but I feel like psychologists are some of the most obnoxious people alive. I've also tried meds and they have also done jack shit to help.
after that there was another ctb attempt, not really getting into it, ended up in the same thing pretty much exactly. ultimately this lead to me not being trusted by anyone that knows abt it around me and them being scared of me.
after all of this I have completely destroyed the relationship and the mental health of my bf. I'm pretty sure I've caused him to sh and into ctb Ideation. I've also ruined the lives of my family who now have to deal with me like this.
I've never been diagnosed with anything(mainly bc i dont care and cant be bothered) and prob don't have anything but who cares now.
I've written letters to the few people in my life like my parents, brother and bf as well as a friend and idk of that's overboard but whatever. I hope that idk it gives them at least some peace.
so now today. I've had this plan for quite a while now and picked this date abt 3 weeks ago(no reason for it, just convenient). I'm planning on jumping off a bridge into water so even if I don't die on impact ima def drown. I'm not really worried abt SI, I know how much of a factor it is, but i was stopping myself from jumping earlier this week and have my ways around it.
so yeah that's me. the weird kid with a turtle.
mods if you could strike out my name in like 24 hours that would be nice thanks.
idk what else to say. but thanks for being here with me and I hope everyone else is able to find the peace that they wish for.
Goodbye
