Story Thanatophobia

[Life_and_Death]

I'm scared of death. I use to just be suicidal for the "normal" reasons. Abuse. Disorders. But my fear of death is so bad..... That I want to die just to make it stop. Whenever I think of death.... It's all black. There's nothing. It's over. Everything I loved gone. All my hard work.... Meaningless. It's not a constant fear. But when it's there, it can leave me in tears. I'm more aware of everything that could hurt me. I fear car crash, fire. If it can kill me, I'm scared of it. And that's just about everything.

I haven't told anyone yet but the other day I went out for my typical walk. I was about to cross the street the same place I always do. But this day.... I stopped. I took my headphones out. And a second later a vehicle came over the hill. I walked for the next 5-10mins. Holding my headphones. Crying. Refusing to leave the sidewalk.

How can it be that someone fears death so much that they wish for it, just so it can stop?

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I'm scared of death. I use to just be suicidal for the "normal" reasons. Abuse. Disorders. But my fear of death is so bad..... That I want to die just to make it stop. Whenever I think of death.... It's all black. There's nothing. It's over. Everything I loved gone. All my hard work.... Meaningless. It's not a constant fear. But when it's there, it can leave me in tears. I'm more aware of everything that could hurt me. I fear car crash, fire. If it can kill me, I'm scared of it. And that's just about everything.

I haven't told anyone yet but the other day I went out for my typical walk. I was about to cross the street the same place I always do. But this day.... I stopped. I took my headphones out. And a second later a vehicle came over the hill. I walked for the next 5-10mins. Holding my headphones. Crying. Refusing to leave the sidewalk.

How can it be that someone fears death so much that they wish for it, just so it can stop?

it sounds like your SI is in a really heightened state.
I'm really afraid of death too, but I think it's just fear of the unknown.
I don't think I'm afraid of nothingness, as I won't be aware of it. It won't be like total blackness but at the same time being aware of the total blackness, it'll just be pure unconsciousness, timeless unconsciousness. Which is better than suffering. I think that kind of timeless unconsciousness with no more rebirth/reincarnation is what Buddhism calls nirvana.
But I understand what you mean about death signifying the end of everything you ever did, everyone and everything you ever loved. That doesn't scare me as much as it makes me really sad and even more depressed.

 

[Endqualia]

I'm scared of death. I use to just be suicidal for the "normal" reasons. Abuse. Disorders. But my fear of death is so bad..... That I want to die just to make it stop. Whenever I think of death.... It's all black. There's nothing. It's over. Everything I loved gone. All my hard work.... Meaningless. It's not a constant fear. But when it's there, it can leave me in tears. I'm more aware of everything that could hurt me. I fear car crash, fire. If it can kill me, I'm scared of it. And that's just about everything.

I haven't told anyone yet but the other day I went out for my typical walk. I was about to cross the street the same place I always do. But this day.... I stopped. I took my headphones out. And a second later a vehicle came over the hill. I walked for the next 5-10mins. Holding my headphones. Crying. Refusing to leave the sidewalk.

How can it be that someone fears death so much that they wish for it, just so it can stop?

I know phobias arent rational but realise that you dont fear death. You fear the experience of what you think death is like. Like you say blackness, everything you loved gone, your hard work etc. When you die you wont experience the lack of any of these things. There is no blackness since there is no consciousness.
Death is cessation of consciousness. As epicurus says when we are death is not come and when death is come we are not. Its therefore nothing to either living or the dead since with living it is not and the dead are no more.
Your problem is that your afraid of fear too. Its the same with all phobias. Its the inability to face fear that does you in. I know i used to suffer from agoraphobia and panic disorders. When we get afraid we dislike and fear the sensation of fear itself and try to make it go away. In doing that we just reinforce it. When you meet your fear head on willingly you will beat it. Let it take hold of you and embrace it. Its so simple and so hard but it works.
Also some fear of death is normal its when it bothers us outside of dangerous situations that its a problem. Every hero ever felt afraid going into battle. Its only by letting go of wanting to be free of fear that we can actualy defeat it. Surrender to win.

 

[Life_and_Death]

it sounds like your SI is in a really heightened state.

No.... This has... The best way I can explain it is it has a different feel to it. Idk if that makes sense though. It's just physically feels different then SI