Testing my SI

[LivideLamb]

I'm on a quest of testing my survival instinct, as the name of this thread say

My first ever experience with it was going as close as I could to the railroad, behind a fencd. Then, closer, over the fence. Then, on the railroad themselves. I felt at peace with myself. Even proud that I could stand on them without any fear

I've been driving a lot those couple of days, especially during the night, or, right before it, when it's not super dark yet, but, you can feel it approach
I stopped at a nearby empty gas station, that no one goes to anymore. It's nearly abandoned. I parked my car, and, stood next to the highway. I was observing the cars, trying to guess how fast they were going. I tried to get even closer to them, I felt at peace for a few seconds. Yet, my survival instincts kicked me like never before. I was paralyzed. I wanted to run to that highway, yet, my brain and body wouldn't co-operate

Is there any of you with the same experience ?

How could I try to test my SI more ? Get desensitized in a way

 

[dazednconfused]

im not sure, but for me, i get survival instincts in the opposite way. like death impulses lol. just have someone say something to crush ur soul and make sure ur method of dying is easily available, go home, force yourself to remember all the pain, and yea thats what i imagine my attempt will be like. once my bf finally admits hes sick of me.

 

[KillingPain267]

Going close to trains or traffic without properly planning the attempt would just cause me to fear injury rather than the instinct of avoiding death.

 

[LivideLamb]

im not sure, but for me, i get survival instincts in the opposite way. like death impulses lol. just have someone say something to crush ur soul and make sure ur method of dying is easily available, go home, force yourself to remember all the pain, and yea thats what i imagine my attempt will be like. once my bf finally admits hes sick of me.

I understand what you mean. Do they feel like urges ? Cause, to me, some days, it feel like that, like I want to run on those traintracks, I feel like nothing would stop me, but, I'm too sick to be out of the house for a long time

I feel like forcing myself to remember all of the bad things would be a good idea to finally push that trigger, short-term wise. But, long-term wise, I'm sure it'll crush me even more

Going close to trains or traffic without properly planning the attempt would just cause me to fear injury rather than the instinct of avoiding death.

It's totally understandable. Nobodies want to be injured that way. I guess that for me, it was more about the euphoria of getting really close to finally doing it

 

[dazednconfused]

I understand what you mean. Do they feel like urges ? Cause, to me, some days, it feel like that, like I want to run on those traintracks, I feel like nothing would stop me, but, I'm too sick to be out of the house for a long time

I feel like forcing myself to remember all of the bad things would be a good idea to finally push that trigger, short-term wise. But, long-term wise, I'm sure it'll crush me even more

It's totally understandable. Nobodies want to be injured that way. I guess that for me, it was more about the euphoria of getting really close to finally doing it

im not suggesting this to you, simply relaying my experience, but the last time i took a bunch of pills intending to overdose (non method), i had placed them, gathered them, and left them there waiting.. and then one day shit hit the fan and i remember my dad yelling st me and coming home from school barely being able to be there without feeling sick and so i prepared my note. grabbed something to drink, and separated the pills to take them. all the while keeping in my head the pain and anger i had towards everything, remembering that even if things get better they go back to this again.

no need to do it while testing yourself. no need to test at all. long term doesnt matter, theres only the present moment and its all u can currently experience. the past is in your head as is the future, so just be patient and trust. repeat your intentions and make them firm, mantras almost.