terrified to go

[cantsleep04]

hello, this is my first post and i'm sorry if i'm saying too much but i am just so unwell currently. the only thing that's been on my mind lately is suicide. it's been a few years since i've felt this suicidal, but it's never been this bad. i've already planned to clean my room and to write around 20 letters to each important person in my life, seven people will get twenty letters each, making a special box for each one. i've written down everyone's phone numbers like my manager, therapist, friends, and an old teacher who saved my life many times throughout high school.
but the thing is i have zero idea how i want to go. like absolutely not a clue. i'm so scared of the pain, and truthfully, just dying. it terrifies me to the point where i'm shaking and crying because i know it's going to happen but i don't know how or when or where or literally anything at all. i think i need help navigating it all. literally any advice at all would help :( i've looked through lots of things on here but nothing is making me think "that's how i want to go" or anything. i am just lost and want to feel at peace, please help.

 

[Professor_Oz]

I'm sorry you're going through that.

As someone who failed at partial hanging, the only comfort I can give you is that failing a suicide method is not as stressful as you may think. I honestly expected it to haunt me, especially now that I've been fighting and focusing on recovery, but truly, it feels like any other memory I have.

May you find peace, OP.

 

[brokeandbroken]

hello, this is my first post and i'm sorry if i'm saying too much but i am just so unwell currently. the only thing that's been on my mind lately is suicide. it's been a few years since i've felt this suicidal, but it's never been this bad. i've already planned to clean my room and to write around 20 letters to each important person in my life, making a special box for each one. i've written down everyone's phone numbers like my manager, therapist, friends, and an old teacher who saved my life many times throughout high school.
but the thing is i have zero idea how i want to go. like absolutely not a clue. i'm so scared of the pain, and truthfully, just dying. it terrifies me to the point where i'm shaking and crying because i know it's going to happen but i don't know how or when or where or literally anything at all. i think i need help navigating it all. literally any advice at all would help :( i've looked through lots of things on here but nothing is making me think "that's how i want to go" or anything. i am just lost and want to feel at peace, please help.

Can I ask why you want to CTB if you have 20 people who care about you?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Well, if you're truly intent on CTB (Catching the Bus), you've got a plethora of information here on SS to help you decide what's best for you. Even the Internet in general has all kinds of information. There's nothing really new here that isn't freely available on the Internet. It's just sort of "collected" into one place to make it easier to find. If you start posting and get your post count up to somewhere around 20, maybe a little more, and be active on the site for maybe a day or two, a "search" feature will open up to you that will make looking for specific things easier. In the meantime find some posts from others, make some comments in them, start a few threads of your own. If you find a topic interesting, maybe about a certain method, and you have questions, feel free to start your own thread and ask your questions. Maybe doing that will help you narrow down if CTB is even right for you, or the way that might be best for you, if it is right for you. Good luck.

 

[borderlinealcoholic]

Can I ask why you want to CTB if you have 20 people who care about you?

i was thinking the same... if i have 3 thats already crazy

 

[cantsleep04]

Can I ask why you want to CTB if you have 20 people who care about you?

i was planning on writing twenty letters to each person. there are about seven people i plan to write to. sorry that i didn't write that correctly.

Well, if you're truly intent on CTB (Catching the Bus), you've got a plethora of information here on SS to help you decide what's best for you. Even the Internet in general has all kinds of information. There's nothing really new here that isn't freely available on the Internet. It's just sort of "collected" into one place to make it easier to find. If you start posting and get your post count up to somewhere around 20, maybe a little more, and be active on the site for maybe a day or two, a "search" feature will open up to you that will make looking for specific things easier. In the meantime find some posts from others, make some comments in them, start a few threads of your own. If you find a topic interesting, maybe about a certain method, and you have questions, feel free to start your own thread and ask your questions. Maybe doing that will help you narrow down if CTB is even right for you, or the way that might be best for you, if it is right for you. Good luck.

i was thinking the same... if i have 3 thats already crazy

hello i'm very sorry, i worded it wrong. i have around seven people and i'm writing twenty letters to each person.

 

[not_telling]

I'm sorry you're going through that stuff, OP. Thing is, I start almost every reply in this website with that phrase, and there's a good reason for that, it's always true. There is a fixed post I think, on the main page, that might interest you. I'm talking about the find a partner thread. If you can find a singular person to talk about these things, and really get into it deep, it might solve things for you, and they can go together with you. Exploring this sea of information about methods in the website can be very frightning and daring, but I feel like it would be a lot easier with a partner. Hope you find the peace you look for OP.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really wish there's a straightforward way to just permanently be free from all the suffering this existence brings, it's horrible how suicide is purposely made so difficult, I get that it's dreadful feeling trapped here in this existence. But anyway I hope you eventually find the peace you search for.

 

[brokeandbroken]

i was thinking the same... if i have 3 thats already crazy

Right? I'm not sure 3 people total in my life have ever cared about me. 20? I'd probably cry.

was planning on writing twenty letters to each person. there are about seven people i plan to write to. sorry that i didn't write that correctly.

You are going to write 140 letters? My God. I am not sure I have ever had that much to say Good for you. I hope you don't get writers cramp!

 

[cantsleep04]

Right? I'm not sure 3 people total in my life have ever cared about me. 20? I'd probably cry.

You are going to write 140 letters? My God. I am not sure I have ever had that much to say Good for you. I hope you don't get writers cramp

Right? I'm not sure 3 people total in my life have ever cared about me. 20? I'd probably cry.

You are going to write 140 letters? My God. I am not sure I have ever had that much to say Good for you. I hope you don't get writers cramp!

haha yeah, but i'm an artist and spend my days drawing so i have high hopes i'll be fine!!