coolgal82
she/her, terminally silly :3
- Sep 10, 2024
- 214
idfk why my brain is doing this now but sometimes randomly (and ofc with specific triggers) it just likes to remind me that one day my besties might leave me and i'll be left with like literally nothing in life. it's such a terrifying concept they are my entire world and like the only real reason ive kept going so far i am nothing without them i have nothing without them they are everything to me and like the idea of them being gone is genuinely just fucking terrifying i cant handle it. but i cant help but fear it will happen soon. like i'm gonna either fuck up for the last time or some incident is gonna happen thats gonna be the last straw, or theyre gonna randomly realise how annoying i am and how much more fun they have without me. idfk i cant handle that i dont want that its scary but like idk how to stop it it feels inevitable and i feel so powerless just thinking about it i hate it.
tbf maybe it'd be good though like i am a burden on them and just hurt them and make them worry and cause headaches for them and etc and it'd give me the push i need to ctb but still. idfk i'm an evil and selfish person so i can't bring myself to like speed up the process and leave them or make them hate me. i've tried leaving for a bit and it just hurts too much im so bored without them life just loses all meaning. i mostly did it a few times just to punish myself but also do it when my brain decides that im gonna actually just think theyre the worst most awful people ever and should die for a bit (then i always end up feeling super fucking guilty over that but thats its own story)
tbf maybe it'd be good though like i am a burden on them and just hurt them and make them worry and cause headaches for them and etc and it'd give me the push i need to ctb but still. idfk i'm an evil and selfish person so i can't bring myself to like speed up the process and leave them or make them hate me. i've tried leaving for a bit and it just hurts too much im so bored without them life just loses all meaning. i mostly did it a few times just to punish myself but also do it when my brain decides that im gonna actually just think theyre the worst most awful people ever and should die for a bit (then i always end up feeling super fucking guilty over that but thats its own story)
