shamblingshaggoth
The Bus Is Late (Waiting for the bus in the rain)
- Dec 7, 2023
- 12
I have tried to ctb a few times before, but I always failed or chickened out at the last moment.
I have the means for carbon monoxide poisoning now and I plan to ctb in my car in my sleep, but I am terrified to actually do it. I don't really want to die, I just feel like there is no other way out and I am even more scared of the pain and cost of living.
I went through some pretty horrific abuse as a kid and young adult, like the kind you see true crime episodes and horror movies made of. I think it permanently ruined me. I can "function" re: live on my own, get a job, etc and do OK for about 4-6 months with only occasional falling apart, then I just completely crumple.
I have tried all manners of treatment from standard therapy/med combinations to "fringe" therapy like psychedelics and magnetic brain stimulation.
As one psych put it, "it's like dumping oil into an electric car. Best case it does nothing except lose you money and worst case it completely ruins the car."
Hail Mary options like a psych ward or the military are not an option for me. The last time I was admitted to a psych ward I was abused and I am medically disqualified from the military.
I am currently drowning in student loan, medical, and CC debt. I just left my most recent job at just under a year as I was debating ctb onsite and didn't want to do that to my coworkers. I wish I could do something completely remote, or something isolated like a light house keeper.
It especially sucks because I've met many good people who wanted the best for me and had so many chances. I interned for a famous space organization, got into an ivy league phd program (twice lol), was given chance for two different types of engineering positions. Chance after chance. It's not the technicality or difficulty of the work, I am not dumb and generally capable. It's people. Because of my past trauma and neuroses (wombo combo of autism, depression, ptsd, adhd, and social phobia) people terrify and completely overwhelm me. I just can't deal with them.
I wish there was some completely remote job in STEM, writing, data analytics, really any type of job as long as it was remote and coupled with minimal social interaction and people who didn't care about things like if you were "off", "quiet", or "different".
I suppose there are, but they all require the two things I do not have right now, time and money.
It takes time to interview and apply and things like student loans, CC/medical debt, rent, being alive in general, all require money I do not have. And a lot of those jobs require in person interviews which I don't think I could do or are already saturated with applicants.
Tldr; tired of the cycle of letting people down and I just don't think I'm cut out for this whole being alive thing. Trying to get the courage to ctb even though I don't really want to die and am so scared and alone.
I have the means for carbon monoxide poisoning now and I plan to ctb in my car in my sleep, but I am terrified to actually do it. I don't really want to die, I just feel like there is no other way out and I am even more scared of the pain and cost of living.
I went through some pretty horrific abuse as a kid and young adult, like the kind you see true crime episodes and horror movies made of. I think it permanently ruined me. I can "function" re: live on my own, get a job, etc and do OK for about 4-6 months with only occasional falling apart, then I just completely crumple.
I have tried all manners of treatment from standard therapy/med combinations to "fringe" therapy like psychedelics and magnetic brain stimulation.
As one psych put it, "it's like dumping oil into an electric car. Best case it does nothing except lose you money and worst case it completely ruins the car."
Hail Mary options like a psych ward or the military are not an option for me. The last time I was admitted to a psych ward I was abused and I am medically disqualified from the military.
I am currently drowning in student loan, medical, and CC debt. I just left my most recent job at just under a year as I was debating ctb onsite and didn't want to do that to my coworkers. I wish I could do something completely remote, or something isolated like a light house keeper.
It especially sucks because I've met many good people who wanted the best for me and had so many chances. I interned for a famous space organization, got into an ivy league phd program (twice lol), was given chance for two different types of engineering positions. Chance after chance. It's not the technicality or difficulty of the work, I am not dumb and generally capable. It's people. Because of my past trauma and neuroses (wombo combo of autism, depression, ptsd, adhd, and social phobia) people terrify and completely overwhelm me. I just can't deal with them.
I wish there was some completely remote job in STEM, writing, data analytics, really any type of job as long as it was remote and coupled with minimal social interaction and people who didn't care about things like if you were "off", "quiet", or "different".
I suppose there are, but they all require the two things I do not have right now, time and money.
It takes time to interview and apply and things like student loans, CC/medical debt, rent, being alive in general, all require money I do not have. And a lot of those jobs require in person interviews which I don't think I could do or are already saturated with applicants.
Tldr; tired of the cycle of letting people down and I just don't think I'm cut out for this whole being alive thing. Trying to get the courage to ctb even though I don't really want to die and am so scared and alone.
