enviro400mmc
#1 cake123 fanboy
- Nov 27, 2022
- 101
So since I'm at least supposedly trying to recover from my suicidal obsessions over the past month or so probably one of the best things for me to do is to get therapy. Luckily I already have a therpaist. Or at least you think it would be lucky but the problem is I don't feel like I can tell my therapist about my suicidal ideations. I've been seeing her for 5 years now, when I started I was in a pretty bad state, kind of thought about suicide a couple of times and self harming a fair amount. Anyway I slowly recovered and most people who know me would say and think that I've made a great recovery and am fairly.
Little do they know. Even the people who know that I have been through some unfortunate events have no idea quite what an effect it has had on me. Part of that is just because I have been lying through my teeth. And one of those people is my therapist. Even though its literally her job I really don't feel like I can tell her. She's quite unconventional for a therapist, never really followed many of the conventions you expect from a therapist. For example she tends not to keep things confidential with parents etc and really isn't good at being sympatahetic at all. I've always had very mixed feelings about having her as a therapist but have never left because there's a lot of pressure from my parents to keep getting it and it has benefitted me in some ways.
Anyway, for a start if I tell my therapist I'm not sure she's even going to take me seriously. And even if she does I can just see her reacting in a very crictical way like I'm making some choice to be manipulative or whatever. Even most people on SS are genuinely encouraging me to try recovery and telling me that suicide really isn't a good idea for my predicament (in a kind way, and I will admit probably correctly.)Like I know whatever happens she's just going to say something that will make me feel worse about my own thoughts. And also I know if she tells my parents and family they're just not going to be able to deal with it at all, either reacting in the same degrading, belittling way I described earlier, or with extreme neurotocism, or probably a particuarly bad combination of both.
So yeah idk what to do. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and its gonna be extremely weird to have to try and lie about my life for an hour (although admittedly that's what I do anyway) but idk what else to do. And its so annoying because I think that until I get some actual help I'm not gonna get out of this cycle of think obssessively about suicide --> something which really reminds me of how much I hate my life rn happens --> I start making semi-serious plans to actually ctb --> I get distracted by something mundane/mildly pleasant --> brief motivated recovery hope period (which is where I currently am in the cycle) or at least the only way out I'll find is suicide. And even if I do muster up the courage to speak to this therapist or find a different one or something it is so difficult to articulate correctly, as I have found on this site.
Little do they know. Even the people who know that I have been through some unfortunate events have no idea quite what an effect it has had on me. Part of that is just because I have been lying through my teeth. And one of those people is my therapist. Even though its literally her job I really don't feel like I can tell her. She's quite unconventional for a therapist, never really followed many of the conventions you expect from a therapist. For example she tends not to keep things confidential with parents etc and really isn't good at being sympatahetic at all. I've always had very mixed feelings about having her as a therapist but have never left because there's a lot of pressure from my parents to keep getting it and it has benefitted me in some ways.
Anyway, for a start if I tell my therapist I'm not sure she's even going to take me seriously. And even if she does I can just see her reacting in a very crictical way like I'm making some choice to be manipulative or whatever. Even most people on SS are genuinely encouraging me to try recovery and telling me that suicide really isn't a good idea for my predicament (in a kind way, and I will admit probably correctly.)Like I know whatever happens she's just going to say something that will make me feel worse about my own thoughts. And also I know if she tells my parents and family they're just not going to be able to deal with it at all, either reacting in the same degrading, belittling way I described earlier, or with extreme neurotocism, or probably a particuarly bad combination of both.
So yeah idk what to do. I have an appointment with her tomorrow and its gonna be extremely weird to have to try and lie about my life for an hour (although admittedly that's what I do anyway) but idk what else to do. And its so annoying because I think that until I get some actual help I'm not gonna get out of this cycle of think obssessively about suicide --> something which really reminds me of how much I hate my life rn happens --> I start making semi-serious plans to actually ctb --> I get distracted by something mundane/mildly pleasant --> brief motivated recovery hope period (which is where I currently am in the cycle) or at least the only way out I'll find is suicide. And even if I do muster up the courage to speak to this therapist or find a different one or something it is so difficult to articulate correctly, as I have found on this site.
