Tearing my family apart, need advice

[Nymph]

I once hinted that I want to ctb to my dad and he said that he dedicated his entire life to me and he works so that me and my mom can be happy. I know he works nonstop and really hard to make money because my mom is a stay at home wife. He has depression in his family and takes medication. He told me that if I'm gone then there's no reason for him to exist (something along those lines) if I do end up CTBing do you guys think he would CTB too or stay alive for my mom? I've always wanted to CTB but this is one of the reasons that I haven't yet. I don't want to break apart my entire family just because of 1 death. I wish suicide was more acceptable and not such a taboo. When I play the devils advocate I usually tell myself that after all they only created me for their own selfish reasons and that I didn't get to choose if I want to live. Also since my dad's depression runs in the family they didn't even think about the possibility that I'll get it too. I talked about that with my mom and she told me that: people don't think about all the possibilities of what illnesses their children might have, otherwise there would be no babies!- well maybe you should have because that's the reason I want to CTB. I need your opinions.

Edit; just a quick side note, I have thought about waiting till my parents are gone but that would be a way to long

 

[my heart hurts]

So he understands what its like to be clinically depressed, yet he doesnt want to be part of your support system once you mention ctb? Did he at least try to get you proper help as well? You said he's been prescribed meds but has he gone to the same lengths to recover your mental health? If not, he should really do so and find a reputable therapist for you and himself so you can have someone to talk to while he learns what it means to be part of a strong support system for someone with a mental illness.

 

[Nymph]

So he understands what its like to be clinically depressed, yet he doesnt want to be part of your support system once you mention ctb? Did he at least try to get you proper help as well? You said he's been prescribed meds but has he gone to the same lengths to recover your mental health? If not, he should really do so and find a reputable therapist for you and himself so you can have someone to talk to while he learns what it means to be part of a strong support system for someone with a mental illness.

I don't talk to my dad about my mental health issues that much because my mom told me (I agree with her in this situation) that he's too unstable to be thinking about my issues. I'm pretty sure he has other mental issues beside depression, because he has these impulsive/irrational tendencies. For example if I told him I'm going to ctb he would immediately travel back to where I live (he works and spends most of his time abroad) to be with me and he's just too much, he doesn't understand my issues and is too paranoid about anything I tell him. If I just want to express my feelings he will take it too seriously and never leave me alone. So basically The answer to any mental health support is "no" because I don't bring it up because of HIS own mental issues. It's kind of complicated, my mom doesn't want me to talk about it because if he did come back here/get paranoid from my issues etc... then he wouldn't be able to work, which I know it sounds horrible but my mom is a stay at home wife and she doesn't work or earn any money. All of the weight is on my dad and that might be one of the sources for his mental issues. Also the country where the works, mental health is kind of taboo and if you have any mental health issues it means you're worthless/lazy. It's a pretty complicated situation.

I can be more opened about mental health to my mom and I do have a psychiatrist and I did try a therapist but it was bad. I tried and take a lot of medications in the moment.

 

[Saint-mal]

I'm not going to lie it does sound like your dad cares about you even though it seems so overwhelming. You feel these feelings and want him to listen and not over react( flying all the way back to see you) or guilt trip you ( "I dedicated my life to.you" " if you die , I die). No child no matter the age should bare their parents burdens over theirs, what he does and how he reacts is his responsibility, not yours.

 

[SoIntoYou]

Parents often make the mistake of taking offense for their childrens' actions, like it reflects poorly on them. They don't realize that it doesn't matter how good of a parent you are, there are countless other factors that go into how a child turns out. When a child CTB, parents make the mistake of thinking it's 100% their fault and that all the effort they put into you was a waste. Your dad obviously does what most men his age do and takes himself too seriously. Yes he has worked very hard to provide for you and your mom, but that does not place you under a contractual obligation to not be depressed. If he were a perfectly understanding person (impossibility), he would acknowledge your sadness, probably try to talk about it, and not let the eventual death reflect upon his soul. He would be appreciative of the time he had with you and move on. But alas, nobody is this fabled perfectly understanding person. My humble opinion? I don't think he'd leave your mother if you died. I think most parents have the same phrase in their head when their child tells them they want to die, "I'll have no reason to exist". I like to have this abstraction in my head that I never want to act out of obligation, but rather always give without expectation of return.

 

[falloutcarter13]

The fact that you think about these things just makes you a good person. I don't have any advice for you because I'm struggling with the same questions, but I appreciate you sharing yourself with all of us

 

[whywere]

I 100% know what you are asking. Because I have dealt with the same thing. As i was growing up both my parents always called me the "mistake". I have a older brother and a younger sister. My dad adored my older brother and my mom likewise adored my younger sister. After my parents kicked me out at 18 i never heard from them again ever. I found out that on my dads side the whole family dealt with massive depression. I to this day have zero friends but I found this website loaded with warm, friendly people like you! Easy to say, hard to do, BUT remember, you are really special and you have a family here with us. As far as a legacy goes you are a smart person with tons potential and you will make your own legacy that will past the test of time and be greater than any family legacy involving dying young.