Venting talking normal to others while actively planning to ctb, anyone else?

[wannabeangel]

i would have just added this to my vent thread, but something i wrote in it made it set to be approved (i think ik what words triggered it but i didn't do nun) so just making a new thread to ask this question. does anyone else who has maybe a few online friends, or live with family members, keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans? i caught myself searching where to get SN while my friend texts me asking if im doing good because before i said i was too anxious to play vrchat (i was, but not for the reasons i said to him) and im texting him happy normal like "hii ya im oki dw my brain is just having a moment, im fine tho" and reacting normally to memes and jokes or whatever, while 90% of my tabs open are on how to ctb. im the same with anyone who talks to me, i keep telling everyone im fine even though this is as far as my ideation has gone in a loooooooooooong time and is in risky town now. my attempts in the past were impulsive, this time i am actually putting thought into everything which shocks part of me kinda

i wonder if anyone else does the same thing, and how to cope with it, because its exhausting sometimes pretending to be fine all the time, but its not like i can say anything truly, i dont want people to know or stop me when i actually make the choice. i dont want them guessing whats going on with me early on too and stopping me from getting supplies and everything, or finding note drafts too early

 

[Jadeith]

keep talking and interacting normally while still making plans?

That's basically my everyday life. Researching exit bag/hood/mask methods or alternatives here on SaSu or elsewhere while having family dinner. Ordering SN while playing with kid. And ho w to cope? Apologies but i can't reliably answer that. I just do it. Yes, it is exhausting but still i do it.

 

[witchcraft]

Yep. I hurt my lower back carrying bags of water softener salt into the basement about 1.5 weeks ago. I'm not even 30, of average weight. It's not getting any better. Weird uncomfortable dull sensations into the backs of my thighs and all that. All I'm doing is just fucking sitting here. That's it.

It's over. This is what has pushed me over the edge. I am unemployed despite efforts to find a half-ass decent job for TWO YEARS. Went to school for the wrong fucking thing. In immense debt. No insurance. Poor. Unable to afford to even get my back looked at let alone have surgery on it. My dad had two surgeries on his back and still has issues with it.

I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I'm killing myself. I can't fucking take it anymore.

And yet when I talk to people, I pretend like everything is just fine. Yup. I love life. It's great. Everything about it is fucking so awesome.

 

[Asya]

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[itsgone2]

constantly. I was on the site while in a dentist chair today.
I really don't care if anybody saw what site I was on