This is my first post ever... i should probably introduce myself, but... i just sorta want to vent at the moment...
i will start that this is regarding my personal life, not my online life. i do find comfort reading posts on here and interacting (what little i do) on here.
but... talking feels pointless. any conversation i have with anyone, if its casual or deep all seems pointless. i don't plan to be here much longer, so it all feels..... meaningless. i continue with it because its expected of me. cheery smiles and laughter, but inside i really don't find anything funny, i don't find anything their saying interesting. All i can think about it how mentally tired i am, and how i just want to disappear. the only joy i have, is when i interact with my kids at work- i work in a residential home for boys. i work in the kitchen- but i am trained to be on the floor with them as well. i love them, they are all amazing, smart, creative, sweet boys. it makes me so incredibly angry the things they have been through, and it breaks my heart. i have to remind myself of boundaries, because i find myself sometimes going out of my way for them. my boss told me today "they are not your kids, we can care about them, but they are not our kids, we cant treat them as such" and honestly.... i fucking hate it. we can only fist bump them, even though a few of them come up for side hugs, i never turn them away... even if i might get in trouble for it later. idc. humans need physical contact.
this week is spirit week at work. today they had a dance off and a lip sync battle. ( i did not join in, but i did watch!) one of the boys that has gotten close to me, kept saying how bad he was, and how he wished he did the dance moves he had thought about. how he's going to practice in his room. etc etc. i patted his back and told him he did awesome! i was proud of him for getting out there because i never could! then he went out there to do the lip sync thing and he said he was embarrassed to do that part, but went after some encouragement from the staff member that was going up there with him and myself. when he came back he said something about how he didn't know what he was doing/felt embarrassed and i patted his leg(which is a big no-no but we were both sitting, and i didnt think about it, i just did it, because i would of done the same thing to any niece or nephew. it was a simple 2 pats on the top middle sorta closer to the knee/outside of the thigh area. but after i did it, i was afraid someone would say something to me... i still sorta think someone might say something to me tomorrow) and told him he was great! that all of this is for fun! and.... in the moment i told him next year id join in on the dancing. he said he is leaving in a month. he has a foster home placement. this news did make me really sad, but i didn't show it. i told him that was good news, that hopefully it meant a new adventure. but inside... i felt nervous... since I'm mostly in the kitchen (my previous job, i was a PCT on the floor with kids so i had full access to the kids files) i don't get to usually read the kids back stories.. so i thought on my way home... how he must be feeling. how many foster homes has he been in? is he nervous? scared? excited? all of our kids have endured some form of abuse, that i know for a fact.
I'm rambling now... but.. talking means nothing to me, unless it has to do with my kids. if i could take them all home with me, i would. I want to leave this world so bad, yet when I'm at work, despite meaningless convos with co workers, i feel happy that I'm doing something to brighten the kids day. I know its a facility, i know they are there for a variety of reasons, but it pisses me off when i hear some of the staff yell at them. sometimes they yell over all of them because they are really loud in the dining room. they're kids, that's gonna happen and its fine. but its when a boy comes up to me for an extra packet of ketchup and gets yelled at for being up out of his seat. like wtf. use your fucking eyes, it took 2 seconds and it hurt no one!! sometimes i want to punch them. do they not realize these kids come from homes that they've been yelled at constantly? they are not helping them when they do that. its not all staff, just a few. and the first few times, even if it pissed me off, i thought maybe they're having a bad day, maybe the boy has been a handful on the unit... yknow idk. i only see them in the dining room usually. but... its getting to the point i'm going to say something to the director.
I wish i could stay there but logically i cant. As soon as i leave work, i hate life. i have no one. my relationship was falling apart. it was supposed to be a break, i found out through social media they started dating someone a week or two ago.. i played dumb like no one had told me or i hadn't seen it. kept texting like normal, talked to them today, ended the call with "well ill let you get some rest, i love you" and they said my name, and said i have to tell you something... and i said what is it. and they said ive been seeing someone.. and i just said oh... and got quiet... than said i have to go and hung up. cried. i knew it happened and i broke when i saw it, i was angry etc etc. but to hear them actually say it broke me.. on top of already wanting to CTB this just drives those feelings on home. i did end up SH. Im not impulsive when it comes to CTB, in the past i have been (im sure we all have been at one point or another) but i am older.. and i know this time.. i am doing everything i can to make sure it is successful with whatever method i choose.
anyways.....this post took a turn and i totally lost the whole point of it. I'm sorry. but if you read this far... thank you
i will start that this is regarding my personal life, not my online life. i do find comfort reading posts on here and interacting (what little i do) on here.
but... talking feels pointless. any conversation i have with anyone, if its casual or deep all seems pointless. i don't plan to be here much longer, so it all feels..... meaningless. i continue with it because its expected of me. cheery smiles and laughter, but inside i really don't find anything funny, i don't find anything their saying interesting. All i can think about it how mentally tired i am, and how i just want to disappear. the only joy i have, is when i interact with my kids at work- i work in a residential home for boys. i work in the kitchen- but i am trained to be on the floor with them as well. i love them, they are all amazing, smart, creative, sweet boys. it makes me so incredibly angry the things they have been through, and it breaks my heart. i have to remind myself of boundaries, because i find myself sometimes going out of my way for them. my boss told me today "they are not your kids, we can care about them, but they are not our kids, we cant treat them as such" and honestly.... i fucking hate it. we can only fist bump them, even though a few of them come up for side hugs, i never turn them away... even if i might get in trouble for it later. idc. humans need physical contact.this week is spirit week at work. today they had a dance off and a lip sync battle. ( i did not join in, but i did watch!) one of the boys that has gotten close to me, kept saying how bad he was, and how he wished he did the dance moves he had thought about. how he's going to practice in his room. etc etc. i patted his back and told him he did awesome! i was proud of him for getting out there because i never could! then he went out there to do the lip sync thing and he said he was embarrassed to do that part, but went after some encouragement from the staff member that was going up there with him and myself. when he came back he said something about how he didn't know what he was doing/felt embarrassed and i patted his leg(which is a big no-no but we were both sitting, and i didnt think about it, i just did it, because i would of done the same thing to any niece or nephew. it was a simple 2 pats on the top middle sorta closer to the knee/outside of the thigh area. but after i did it, i was afraid someone would say something to me... i still sorta think someone might say something to me tomorrow) and told him he was great! that all of this is for fun! and.... in the moment i told him next year id join in on the dancing. he said he is leaving in a month. he has a foster home placement. this news did make me really sad, but i didn't show it. i told him that was good news, that hopefully it meant a new adventure. but inside... i felt nervous... since I'm mostly in the kitchen (my previous job, i was a PCT on the floor with kids so i had full access to the kids files) i don't get to usually read the kids back stories.. so i thought on my way home... how he must be feeling. how many foster homes has he been in? is he nervous? scared? excited? all of our kids have endured some form of abuse, that i know for a fact.
I'm rambling now... but.. talking means nothing to me, unless it has to do with my kids. if i could take them all home with me, i would. I want to leave this world so bad, yet when I'm at work, despite meaningless convos with co workers, i feel happy that I'm doing something to brighten the kids day. I know its a facility, i know they are there for a variety of reasons, but it pisses me off when i hear some of the staff yell at them. sometimes they yell over all of them because they are really loud in the dining room. they're kids, that's gonna happen and its fine. but its when a boy comes up to me for an extra packet of ketchup and gets yelled at for being up out of his seat. like wtf. use your fucking eyes, it took 2 seconds and it hurt no one!! sometimes i want to punch them. do they not realize these kids come from homes that they've been yelled at constantly? they are not helping them when they do that. its not all staff, just a few. and the first few times, even if it pissed me off, i thought maybe they're having a bad day, maybe the boy has been a handful on the unit... yknow idk. i only see them in the dining room usually. but... its getting to the point i'm going to say something to the director.
I wish i could stay there but logically i cant. As soon as i leave work, i hate life. i have no one. my relationship was falling apart. it was supposed to be a break, i found out through social media they started dating someone a week or two ago.. i played dumb like no one had told me or i hadn't seen it. kept texting like normal, talked to them today, ended the call with "well ill let you get some rest, i love you" and they said my name, and said i have to tell you something... and i said what is it. and they said ive been seeing someone.. and i just said oh... and got quiet... than said i have to go and hung up. cried. i knew it happened and i broke when i saw it, i was angry etc etc. but to hear them actually say it broke me.. on top of already wanting to CTB this just drives those feelings on home. i did end up SH. Im not impulsive when it comes to CTB, in the past i have been (im sure we all have been at one point or another) but i am older.. and i know this time.. i am doing everything i can to make sure it is successful with whatever method i choose.
anyways.....this post took a turn and i totally lost the whole point of it. I'm sorry. but if you read this far... thank you
