marcy2022
Student
- Oct 19, 2022
- 151
If anything say may trigger or upset someone and if so, my depest apologies.
There may or may not be whole stories regarding me or things happened around me.
While I was a little kid, maybe while I was in elementary, one night my dad told me, "I wasn't their child, they found me on the streets". I maybe 5/6 but that ... that seriously did a number on me.
When I was at the hospital after oral thiopnetal failure, one male stuff jumped on top of me tried to hold me down including my only free arm, my other arm and my legs were tied to the bed, tightly to the point of having discomfort. He said to me, your family is such big persons (in terms of social status), they are shamed cuz of you. Why are you so selfish? Then he tried to force the nasal tubing for feeding which wasn't necessary at the time cuz I was just given food and it felt so uncomfortable with the tube there. I was unable to cuz of some damage. Just before there was a doctor who checked on me and said you look fine and told the nurses to prepare me for release. Then they did this. i Tried to make gesture to the best of my abilities with my tied body and arms to request for a piece of paper and a pen. It took sometime for them to understand what I was asking for, after a while they gave me a piece of paper and a pen. I vaguely remember writing down something like "I'm so sorry I made so much trouble. The doctor said to release me today. Can you please just let me go. I'll be nice I promise. I just want to go back to my home." . They read it and they laughed, all of them. Then the guy forcefully pushed me down and put the nasal feeding tubing again and told me with a scary face and voice that if I take it out again, they'll be trouble. I should say at this point of time, I had multiple unknown bruises and even the doctors didn't know what could've caused them.
Later when I sent to another hospital, there the doctors and nurses said those bruises looked like someone hit me there.
I was in and out of consciousness, some nurses, doctors and other hospital stuff were talking about turning me to the authorities which would surely put me in jail as thiopental is illegal and punishable. They were talking about how I would fetch good money for them. Even while almost dying (doctor's did say they're not sure whether I'll survive) they were doing that. Then whenever I saw a police person, I'd get so scared out of my mind. Its traumatizing
While I was in a different hospital, my brother told me this multiple times that I did a very bad thing and he's extremely ashamed of me. And that he can't show his face to his friends, colleagues as well as his wife and in-laws cuz of me. He also said this multiple times that, to pay him back for this by donating blood. To be specific 7-9 bags of blood. Even after few months into the recovery he'd ask if I've donated any blood yet. It felt so dehumanizing as if he's asking to pay him in blood. I felt horrible.
(please stop reading this part if you're underage)
In the same other hospital there was this male nurse who would some around sometimes, sometimes accompanied by other male or female stuff or just by himself. I'm pretty sure he molested and more. He touched my privates and stuff. Even with or without other people present in the room. He'd just set the curtains and go about his business. I could barely utter a few sounds and not even lout enough, making up a simple word would take so much effort. I was unable to do much.) I'd say nurse fantasy that's shown on tv and the reality that I've faced is far too different.
After I was released from the hospital, I was taken to my parents home. The same evening my mom started talking about how I've bought shame on them and how it would've been better if I was dead. (Even though I was extremely sick and the doctors did say I still may have complications or die). I've always loved my mother. I've respected her to the best of my abilities. Even when I was kid without any clue any equality of women's right or anything along the lines I still stood up for her. I remember whenever my bad would get angry or say bad things to her, I would always stand up for her. No I wasn't expecting a "congratulations" but atleast not the bad words or blames. I tried explaining that this is bad for my mental health and recovery but she wouldn't listen. A lot of times she'd bring up a phone and call some relative and make me apologize to them. This is what love go me. Same mother who deliberately ruined my relationship with the love of my life (that's a whole different story, lets skip it for now). I still love them (somewhat) but I can't be near them anymore. I've cut off all communications.
Oh and when I was young around 8-10, my mother told my older sister, "If I knew you'd do this, I've strangulated you with my own arms after you were born." She only loved a boy. I get anger or whatever but you don't come back from that. The little me understood that.
With all of my families I tried talking, tried to share how I feel, what made me do it but they wouldn't listen, they kept insisting on that I wasn't on my right mind. And here I am again on my way to the bus stop.
They tried to force me into getting married into this family of priests. I couldn't do that consciously to another person knowing who I am. That further broke apart the relationshio with my folks even further. I guess this is the reality
Oh and did I say I'm a transgender person. Well I am! Hate me if you must but this is who I am.
Currently somewhere in the word as a refugee. This life is so difficult and so hard. There wasn't days when I wondered why do I bother continuing. It's not like things get better for people such as me. It's just that its form of shit to another, more or less same stuff. I hate the idea of a psychiatrist evaluating me as person. The idea that someone else gets to tell me who I am or who I am supposed to be is something I can't and will not accept, not while I have my senses. But for the sake of the treatment I had to visit one and it was humiliating. (I know this is a controversial topic but this is just my experience).
As a refugee, I can't work or have a business legally is what I was told by the UNHCR office. Even there I was mistreated. I don't know if this is procedure but the moment I walked out the office, there was a guy in civilian clothing waiting around the corner who stopped me and asked to show my identification. I wasn't sure so I asked for them to introduce themselves. The guy said "I'm the police, I'm the law". The way he said it was really scary and then when I asked if I can see some identification, the guy says you're not complying and after I show you my id, you've to go to the police station with me. I literally cried there. I was so scared off getting deported. Then I asked him if I can talk to the UNHCR office for a second and he said okay. I went to locked gate and asked about that guy, one person from the inside just said show him your id and closed the small door. I was left on my own and I went back to the guy, showed him all the document and he had lots of questions. Finally he let me go.
Next day same happened to me. And this time a different police guy who scared me even more and made me cry right next to the UNHCR office.
Another time I get a call from some random number and person on the other side said they are police and wants to meet. We met and the guy followed me to my hotel even though he said he's not coming to the hotel.
Also at the UNHCR office entrance they have male and female security stuff to inspect guests who are going into the premieres. I've noticed they used gender appropriate inspection protocols for certain genders while in my case it wasn't so. Security and all I get it. But its the UNCHR who deals with refugees. Idk how its okay for them to treat refugee's like criminals and misgender them at security inspections.
Few times I shared this with someone, almost everyone including a lawyer said they were shocked and this may not be the procedure.
I tried knocking every door possible where I could maybe get some sort of assistance. I was turned away from every single one. Some supposed lgbtq+ organizations who are supposed to help people such as me, they too turned their backs on me. This is not to say they are bad people, I still see them doing or tying to help people. It seems lady luck isn't in my favor and that I was probably never was meant for this "world".
Regardless of what skills I have or whatever because of my identity I can't get a job or rent a place cuz no one wants the "unwanted". My only choice as it seems like is either to go into begging or prostitution. By no means I think begging or prostitution is a bad thing. Personally I don't see myself doing that. begging is basically taking shit from people hoping you survive the day and the circle continues, but to what point? And it gets bad for transgender beggars or the unwanted/hated. The way I see it, its just a slow painful death. Not a fan of that. As for prostitution, its almost the same, transgender and regular guy/girl prostitution isn't the same and this isn't Thailand. I've seen transgender ladies of the night here and how they get treated by local and tourists alike. Its dehumanizing and degrading. If they weren't treated so badly maybe I'd consider but then to be honest I don't want to sell myself and becoming a walking zombie (speaking for myself). If there was a little respect and humane aspect to it, maybe I'd consider it. I want to maybe have my own nursery and grow flours, live life and die young. But ofcourse its good dream which will never happen.
Then I found some sort of refuge or so I've thought at a hostel I was staying and they offered me to run the restaurant within the premises. I had feelings that it might be a scam from the beginning but being a new country and not knowing anyone, my choices were very limited. So I took up on the offer. It turned out that they were planning to get rid of me from the beginning. I've lost all of my savings there and now I'm very close to getting to the streets.
So ya that's me.
If all goes right, within a few hours I'll be at the bus stop hoping to catch the long long waited bus.
Thank you all beautiful people.
I'll open a different thread very soon once I have the things prepared.
There may or may not be whole stories regarding me or things happened around me.
While I was a little kid, maybe while I was in elementary, one night my dad told me, "I wasn't their child, they found me on the streets". I maybe 5/6 but that ... that seriously did a number on me.
When I was at the hospital after oral thiopnetal failure, one male stuff jumped on top of me tried to hold me down including my only free arm, my other arm and my legs were tied to the bed, tightly to the point of having discomfort. He said to me, your family is such big persons (in terms of social status), they are shamed cuz of you. Why are you so selfish? Then he tried to force the nasal tubing for feeding which wasn't necessary at the time cuz I was just given food and it felt so uncomfortable with the tube there. I was unable to cuz of some damage. Just before there was a doctor who checked on me and said you look fine and told the nurses to prepare me for release. Then they did this. i Tried to make gesture to the best of my abilities with my tied body and arms to request for a piece of paper and a pen. It took sometime for them to understand what I was asking for, after a while they gave me a piece of paper and a pen. I vaguely remember writing down something like "I'm so sorry I made so much trouble. The doctor said to release me today. Can you please just let me go. I'll be nice I promise. I just want to go back to my home." . They read it and they laughed, all of them. Then the guy forcefully pushed me down and put the nasal feeding tubing again and told me with a scary face and voice that if I take it out again, they'll be trouble. I should say at this point of time, I had multiple unknown bruises and even the doctors didn't know what could've caused them.
Later when I sent to another hospital, there the doctors and nurses said those bruises looked like someone hit me there.
I was in and out of consciousness, some nurses, doctors and other hospital stuff were talking about turning me to the authorities which would surely put me in jail as thiopental is illegal and punishable. They were talking about how I would fetch good money for them. Even while almost dying (doctor's did say they're not sure whether I'll survive) they were doing that. Then whenever I saw a police person, I'd get so scared out of my mind. Its traumatizing
While I was in a different hospital, my brother told me this multiple times that I did a very bad thing and he's extremely ashamed of me. And that he can't show his face to his friends, colleagues as well as his wife and in-laws cuz of me. He also said this multiple times that, to pay him back for this by donating blood. To be specific 7-9 bags of blood. Even after few months into the recovery he'd ask if I've donated any blood yet. It felt so dehumanizing as if he's asking to pay him in blood. I felt horrible.
(please stop reading this part if you're underage)
In the same other hospital there was this male nurse who would some around sometimes, sometimes accompanied by other male or female stuff or just by himself. I'm pretty sure he molested and more. He touched my privates and stuff. Even with or without other people present in the room. He'd just set the curtains and go about his business. I could barely utter a few sounds and not even lout enough, making up a simple word would take so much effort. I was unable to do much.) I'd say nurse fantasy that's shown on tv and the reality that I've faced is far too different.
After I was released from the hospital, I was taken to my parents home. The same evening my mom started talking about how I've bought shame on them and how it would've been better if I was dead. (Even though I was extremely sick and the doctors did say I still may have complications or die). I've always loved my mother. I've respected her to the best of my abilities. Even when I was kid without any clue any equality of women's right or anything along the lines I still stood up for her. I remember whenever my bad would get angry or say bad things to her, I would always stand up for her. No I wasn't expecting a "congratulations" but atleast not the bad words or blames. I tried explaining that this is bad for my mental health and recovery but she wouldn't listen. A lot of times she'd bring up a phone and call some relative and make me apologize to them. This is what love go me. Same mother who deliberately ruined my relationship with the love of my life (that's a whole different story, lets skip it for now). I still love them (somewhat) but I can't be near them anymore. I've cut off all communications.
Oh and when I was young around 8-10, my mother told my older sister, "If I knew you'd do this, I've strangulated you with my own arms after you were born." She only loved a boy. I get anger or whatever but you don't come back from that. The little me understood that.
With all of my families I tried talking, tried to share how I feel, what made me do it but they wouldn't listen, they kept insisting on that I wasn't on my right mind. And here I am again on my way to the bus stop.
They tried to force me into getting married into this family of priests. I couldn't do that consciously to another person knowing who I am. That further broke apart the relationshio with my folks even further. I guess this is the reality
Oh and did I say I'm a transgender person. Well I am! Hate me if you must but this is who I am.
Currently somewhere in the word as a refugee. This life is so difficult and so hard. There wasn't days when I wondered why do I bother continuing. It's not like things get better for people such as me. It's just that its form of shit to another, more or less same stuff. I hate the idea of a psychiatrist evaluating me as person. The idea that someone else gets to tell me who I am or who I am supposed to be is something I can't and will not accept, not while I have my senses. But for the sake of the treatment I had to visit one and it was humiliating. (I know this is a controversial topic but this is just my experience).
As a refugee, I can't work or have a business legally is what I was told by the UNHCR office. Even there I was mistreated. I don't know if this is procedure but the moment I walked out the office, there was a guy in civilian clothing waiting around the corner who stopped me and asked to show my identification. I wasn't sure so I asked for them to introduce themselves. The guy said "I'm the police, I'm the law". The way he said it was really scary and then when I asked if I can see some identification, the guy says you're not complying and after I show you my id, you've to go to the police station with me. I literally cried there. I was so scared off getting deported. Then I asked him if I can talk to the UNHCR office for a second and he said okay. I went to locked gate and asked about that guy, one person from the inside just said show him your id and closed the small door. I was left on my own and I went back to the guy, showed him all the document and he had lots of questions. Finally he let me go.
Next day same happened to me. And this time a different police guy who scared me even more and made me cry right next to the UNHCR office.
Another time I get a call from some random number and person on the other side said they are police and wants to meet. We met and the guy followed me to my hotel even though he said he's not coming to the hotel.
Also at the UNHCR office entrance they have male and female security stuff to inspect guests who are going into the premieres. I've noticed they used gender appropriate inspection protocols for certain genders while in my case it wasn't so. Security and all I get it. But its the UNCHR who deals with refugees. Idk how its okay for them to treat refugee's like criminals and misgender them at security inspections.
Few times I shared this with someone, almost everyone including a lawyer said they were shocked and this may not be the procedure.
I tried knocking every door possible where I could maybe get some sort of assistance. I was turned away from every single one. Some supposed lgbtq+ organizations who are supposed to help people such as me, they too turned their backs on me. This is not to say they are bad people, I still see them doing or tying to help people. It seems lady luck isn't in my favor and that I was probably never was meant for this "world".
Regardless of what skills I have or whatever because of my identity I can't get a job or rent a place cuz no one wants the "unwanted". My only choice as it seems like is either to go into begging or prostitution. By no means I think begging or prostitution is a bad thing. Personally I don't see myself doing that. begging is basically taking shit from people hoping you survive the day and the circle continues, but to what point? And it gets bad for transgender beggars or the unwanted/hated. The way I see it, its just a slow painful death. Not a fan of that. As for prostitution, its almost the same, transgender and regular guy/girl prostitution isn't the same and this isn't Thailand. I've seen transgender ladies of the night here and how they get treated by local and tourists alike. Its dehumanizing and degrading. If they weren't treated so badly maybe I'd consider but then to be honest I don't want to sell myself and becoming a walking zombie (speaking for myself). If there was a little respect and humane aspect to it, maybe I'd consider it. I want to maybe have my own nursery and grow flours, live life and die young. But ofcourse its good dream which will never happen.
Then I found some sort of refuge or so I've thought at a hostel I was staying and they offered me to run the restaurant within the premises. I had feelings that it might be a scam from the beginning but being a new country and not knowing anyone, my choices were very limited. So I took up on the offer. It turned out that they were planning to get rid of me from the beginning. I've lost all of my savings there and now I'm very close to getting to the streets.
So ya that's me.
If all goes right, within a few hours I'll be at the bus stop hoping to catch the long long waited bus.
Thank you all beautiful people.
I'll open a different thread very soon once I have the things prepared.
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