Discussion Taking care of those we leave behind

[mysticatedwine]

There are people that love me, that rely on me a lot, and they will be shattered by my suicide. My dad and my best friend are the most important people in my life, and the more I think about my suicide, the more I think about how it's going to affect their lives.

I've come to realize that leaving them on their own isn't fair, and it's not what they deserve either. For this reason, I'm trying to think about ways to make their grief a tiny bit more bearable (without getting the wrong idea: it might not make much of a difference.)

Here's what I've considered until now:

• Using the scheduled mail feature on hotmail to leave messages to them. I'm thinking of making it so they get one message per week for a few months/year, just to remind them that I love them, that they mustn't grieve alone, or just fragments of thoughts I'd like to share with them. I think it would be a nice way to live on a little longer in their hearts, wouldn't it?
• pre-recording videos (basically the same technique as the one above, except I send video files instead of just messages)
• explaining thoroughly the reasons of my death in a letter, so they understand that in no way it is their fault, that they have been the best people in my life and that they're what made my short existence worth living.

Do you all have ideas on what to do to make those you love suffer less by your departure?

 

[ForeverCaHa]

This will of course vary from person to person, but this is my perspective as someone who has lost their partner to suicide. The third point of explaining reasons would be huge. My partner's only reason he gave in his very brief note was that our relationship was coming apart. It's all I can think about most days. Really pushing that it is not your loved ones' fault is such a big factor. It won't fix everything, questions/regret/guilt are inevitable, but it would help, I believe.

For the first two points, I'm unsure how I would feel. If I suddenly received an email or video from my partner now, I feel like my grief would violently resurface. And then, eventually, those emails would end. That would do a lot of damage to my already broken heart (that sounds so dramatic but you get the idea lol). It depends on the personality of the person you're sending them too. I know I would grow obsessive, waiting every day for a new message. You of course know your father and friend better than anyone on this site, so try to think how they would react to that kind of thing.

I plan on focusing on happy memories in my notes. I have one note detailing my reasons (people will already by aware of that, but it will be important for the authorities. Following my partner's death I have had to give police statements, detailed information on our final interactions... it's beyond stressful). Then in my personal notes to my mum and two close friends I will solely write about the good times we had, qualities I admire in them and so on.

 

[mysticatedwine]

This will of course vary from person to person, but this is my perspective as someone who has lost their partner to suicide. The third point of explaining reasons would be huge. My partner's only reason he gave in his very brief note was that our relationship was coming apart. It's all I can think about most days. Really pushing that it is not your loved ones' fault is such a big factor. It won't fix everything, questions/regret/guilt are inevitable, but it would help, I believe.

For the first two points, I'm unsure how I would feel. If I suddenly received an email or video from my partner now, I feel like my grief would violently resurface. And then, eventually, those emails would end. That would do a lot of damage to my already broken heart (that sounds so dramatic but you get the idea lol). It depends on the personality of the person you're sending them too. I know I would grow obsessive, waiting every day for a new message. You of course know your father and friend better than anyone on this site, so try to think how they would react to that kind of thing.

I plan on focusing on happy memories in my notes. I have one note detailing my reasons (people will already by aware of that, but it will be important for the authorities. Following my partner's death I have had to give police statements, detailed information on our final interactions... it's beyond stressful). Then in my personal notes to my mum and two close friends I will solely write about the good times we had, qualities I admire in them and so on.

You make some fair points. I'm just ready to do anything to make my departure more progressive to them, not go from me being there to suddenly me not being there... Despite knowing them a lot, it's hard to know exactly how they're gonna react to these things. I don't know what I'd need to do to make it less horrible to live... I don't want to stir the hornet's nest and make things worse for them.

 

[frommolecules2stars]

There are people that love me, that rely on me a lot, and they will be shattered by my suicide. My dad and my best friend are the most important people in my life, and the more I think about my suicide, the more I think about how it's going to affect their lives.

I've come to realize that leaving them on their own isn't fair, and it's not what they deserve either. For this reason, I'm trying to think about ways to make their grief a tiny bit more bearable (without getting the wrong idea: it might not make much of a difference.)

Here's what I've considered until now:

• Using the scheduled mail feature on hotmail to leave messages to them. I'm thinking of making it so they get one message per week for a few months/year, just to remind them that I love them, that they mustn't grieve alone, or just fragments of thoughts I'd like to share with them. I think it would be a nice way to live on a little longer in their hearts, wouldn't it?
• pre-recording videos (basically the same technique as the one above, except I send video files instead of just messages)
• explaining thoroughly the reasons of my death in a letter, so they understand that in no way it is their fault, that they have been the best people in my life and that they're what made my short existence worth living.

Do you all have ideas on what to do to make those you love suffer less by your departure?

The scheduled mail feature combined with pre-recordings sounds like an amazing idea. If I go through with ctb, I will make sure to make some for my boyfriend and mother.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

You make some fair points. I'm just ready to do anything to make my departure more progressive to them, not go from me being there to suddenly me not being there... Despite knowing them a lot, it's hard to know exactly how they're gonna react to these things. I don't know what I'd need to do to make it less horrible to live... I don't want to stir the hornet's nest and make things worse for them.

I can see what you mean. One of the most painful parts, for me, was how sudden it was. One morning we were laughing and cuddling in bed, a few days later his body was found. So yeah, making it less of a "here one minute gone the next" would definitely be nice. I was thinking of setting up a flower delivery system for my mum - a bouquet every month or something. Again, it will depend on the individual. Some people may feel comforted by this, kind of like our presence is still being felt. It wouldn't work for me personally, but for others maybe it would.