Venting Symptoms

[badtothebone]

Something I remember about my son and it just hit me today that he wasn't excited about life I had to get him motivated. I remember a month before he passed I went to his room and I told him " I will give you $300 if you come to the mall with me to buy us clothes" and he said " I don't need money no thanks" but then about 2 weeks before he passed he changed. He wanted to go out he didn't say no to anyone. Was he saying good bye? My son was living in pain and I didn't know. What kind of stupid parent I was?

 

[divinemistress36]

You arent stupid! Males often hide their depression symptoms its not something you could have known. Depression is a very complex issue

 

[SVEN]

We are all islands to each other, please don't beat yourself up emotionally.

 

[willitpass]

It's the nature of mental illness that many times people don't want you to know. And when someone is determined for no one to know, they are usually pretty successful at hiding it. Easier said than done, I know, but looking back and picking apart his final moments will do nothing but eat you alive. He made a choice to keep it to himself, it wasn't anything you could have picked up on. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Try your best to not blame yourself.

 

[chester]

You had no reason not to think he was actually better. We can only know what people decide to share with us. You couldn't have acted based on what you didn't know.

 

[Forever Sleep]

You weren't stupid at all. People get good at hiding ideation because it isn't widely accepted and you sometimes have an even worse time of it if you reveal just how unhappy you are. People here have had experiences where friends couldn't handle it and abandoned them. Not to say you would abandon him of course.

Obviously, I don't know your son or you and I expect this may be painful to hear but- I think also- if we feel like CTB is something we may well want to do, we may actually make an effort not to reveal too much around loved ones who will likely try to stop us.

But yes, I've read a number of reports where people couldn't fathom it because they appeared to get better right before they CTB. I think in part, it might be an effort to try and leave loved ones with happier memories of them. I also think there's a feeling of relief when you feel like your fight is nearly at an end.

Do you know whether he said anything to his siblings? How are they coping with it- may I ask? Obviously ignore that if it's too personal.

 

[badtothebone]

You arent stupid! Males often hide their depression symptoms its not something you could have known. Depression is a very complex issue

Thank you so much @divinemistress36 I think he told me but I didn't hear him. Going back right now I can remember obvious symptoms that I missed.

You weren't stupid at all. People get good at hiding ideation because it isn't widely accepted and you sometimes have an even worse time of it if you reveal just how unhappy you are. People here have had experiences where friends couldn't handle it and abandoned them. Not to say you would abandon him of course.

Obviously, I don't know your son or you and I expect this may be painful to hear but- I think also- if we feel like CTB is something we may well want to do, we may actually make an effort not to reveal too much around loved ones who will likely try to stop us.

But yes, I've read a number of reports where people couldn't fathom it because they appeared to get better right before they CTB. I think in part, it might be an effort to try and leave loved ones with happier memories of them. I also think there's a feeling of relief when you feel like your fight is nearly at an end.

Do you know whether he said anything to his siblings? How are they coping with it- may I ask? Obviously ignore that if it's too personal.

Thank you so much @Forever Sleep i think you're right he prob was saying good bye or trying more unfortunately none of us saw it coming. No, his brother and sister are a couple of years younger so he didn't. They go to his grave with me holding flowers too and when we get there they start kissing his name and talking with him. I think they are very confused they think people can live in homes or graves they asked me why he can't come out? They don't understand what's going on specially the 6 years old she was asking if we can buy him canes since it was his fav so I told her no baby he gets his own food from heaven.. it's hard to process I still live in the nightmare where we found him.

You had no reason not to think he was actually better. We can only know what people decide to share with us. You couldn't have acted based on what you didn't know.

True @chester thank you so much! I never thought it will happen to us I guess suicide doesn't discriminate. On face book his pictures all over so some people keep asking " how he died?" They know but they want to hear it from me so I closed my account. It's not easy to talk about so it's prob wasn't easy for my son to talk about too. Appreciate your response

It's the nature of mental illness that many times people don't want you to know. And when someone is determined for no one to know, they are usually pretty successful at hiding it. Easier said than done, I know, but looking back and picking apart his final moments will do nothing but eat you alive. He made a choice to keep it to himself, it wasn't anything you could have picked up on. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. Try your best to not blame yourself.

It's eating me up @willitpass thank you so much for responding! it's like I'm trying so hard to remember all the details to see if I did any good or what I didn't do? He made a choice!

We are all islands to each other, please don't beat yourself up emotionally.

Thank you so much @SVEN I think I feel better when I'm in pain. It's some type of self revenge I purposely hurt myself.

 

[chester]

@badtothebone I'm also here because of a loss. And I also feel the guilt. I won't compare our situations, it's impossible to imagine each other's feelings right now. I have no idea what it's like to be you and I never will. But I do have an idea what it's like to blame yourself for the death of the most important person in your life. I don't know if it helps you to know you're not the only one here with this kind of thoughts, but there's at least two of us.

 

[badtothebone]

@badtothebone I'm also here because of a loss. And I also feel the guilt. I won't compare our situations, it's impossible to imagine each other's feelings right now. I have no idea what it's like to be you and I never will. But I do have an idea what it's like to blame yourself for the death of the most important person in your life. I don't know if it helps you to know you're not the only one here with this kind of thoughts, but there's at least two of us.

I'm so sorry for your loss @chester i didn't know. Thank you so much for sharing. It helps me to know I'm not the only one. It's hard right? I try to figure who I am right now because I'm far away from normal. Since I'm depressed and suicidal I know how hard it's to survive and decide not to kill yourself everyday the struggle I go through to live makes me think if my son was feeling the same. He was too young to be hurt like that.