Venting switching back and forth between solace and torment about my date

[Morgengrauen]

Yesterday i went out getting the ladder and managed to test out my tools for hanging to check if it works, only need to finish few letters, get the anti emetic and mix the yew brew and all my preparation is done. I'm ready to take the bus soon, it's only waiting until my date now.

But yesterday while stress testing the rope i had the overwhelming urge to just do it now, ended up strangling a bit hanging in the air while holding the rope and after coming back to senses after going unconsious and falling i'm filled with so much despair to know i can't have this for final yet. (rather by accident because it was raining and i slipped off the ladder). And my mood is still constantly switching between feeling at peace and utter mental torment wishing to die right and now. I've promised to attend few more plans until end of the month i really look forward to (especially since halloween is my favorite festive season and want to experience it one more time with friends before heading out) but it gets so hard to resist the urges now that i have at least the main method ready and right next to the place i will do it, just waiting there for me.

every day feels running the last 20 meters in a miles long marathon and i'm so tired i just want to give up and fall. It's hard to keep on going while trying to maintain an okay image to others that won't grand suspicions. Depression getting worse every day, it's hard to get out of bed and do anything, can't enjoy anything anymore other then death, i even cut down on smoking by a shit ton simply because i can't be asked to leave my bed. Trying really hard to cherish the moments of bliss and to distract myself by going out with friends but those moments of agony befalls me randomly it's so hard to interact with anyone because i'm afraid i will break down crying just wanting to scream and this would inevidibly lead to saying too much and ruining my plans. the only thing i'm looking forward is death and it's so painful to wait out until the time is ready when all i wish for is to return to the void, almost driving me into doing something impulsive again and fucking it all up, ending up locked in this flesh prison for longer.

TL;DR: I'm like an impatient dog waiting for my threat (death) so i'm just howling it out having a hard time to wait

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be hard to deal with and tiring being trapped in that situation but anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, I can definitely relate to the conflict of emotions.
Somedays I feel fearless and ready to go, yet on other days I am the complete opposite.
Most days the thought of ctb makes me happy, other days it fills me with dread.
Yet, I keep reminding myself that it is just chemicals in the brain and that human emotions are not to be taken too seriously.
I understand that feeling of exhaustion all too well : as though you are wading through thick mud for miles on end.
It's utterly exhausting trying to appear " normal " when all you want to do is die.