Discussion Survival instinct or fear/hope?

[GreenDagny]

Survival instinct is a horrible thing. Oblivion is the goal right? So why do we hesitate or make up excuses or not execute correctly? What are your genuine fear and hopes stopping you?

Mine are what if i could get better (wishful thinking that i need acceptance to circumvent), and what if there is something worse after death and not only oblivion, also I am still grieving my life and in those stages i have not reached acceptance yet.

 

[JimFord99]

I think survival instinct is embedded in your DNA. And down to willpower how strong it is.

 

[Relief]

For me the factors that make me rethink my decision are:

1. What if I fail and get brain damage. I would have to deal with the stress induced by my family plus all the harm I caused myself.

2. What if your soul continues on after death and what runs through your mind remains.

3. I want to die at my best and I keep waiting for that to happen. However I just keep getting worse. As I've dealt with multiple eating disorders (currently bulimia and binge eating) I want to hang myself when i'm Thin again. Not sure why... just part of the never ending cycle

 

[GreenDagny]

I am just getting so frustrated at myself because is more mental for me, if I could be 100% sure that I would not get better, not able to ever have a good life and that there was only oblivion I could do it easily right now.

 

[Relief]

I am just getting so frustrated at myself because is more mental for me, if I could be 100% sure that I would not get better, not able to ever have a good life and that there was only oblivion I could do it easily right now.

The way I see it is that singular finite moments of "happiness" (I'd rather call it contentment as i've Never experienced the first) will always happen. However, at the end of the day/week/month I always go back to the same blank stare. Spending nights looking into the dark web for videos of successful attempts...

 

[trynacbt]

What holds me back most is knowing my family will have to endure another loss after the recent passing of my mother (also suicide). But in terms of fear, I don't feel very afraid of death or the afterlife. I think I'm much more afraid of continuing to live.

 

[GreenDagny]

I am sorry for your situation trynacbt and for the loss of your mother. That is kind of you to think of your family. Tough spot to be in I imagine.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Survival instinct is a horrible thing. Oblivion is the goal right? So why do we hesitate or make up excuses or not execute correctly? What are your genuine fear and hopes stopping you?

Mine are what if i could get better (wishful thinking that i need acceptance to circumvent), and what if there is something worse after death and not only oblivion, also I am still grieving my life and in those stages i have not reached acceptance yet.

Cos the methods I've tried just feel really really horrible, make me feel sick & send my mind into a head spin of profound fear. That is all.
If I had some N on me. I would take it tonight
Also
I'd say if you have even the slightest feeling you could get better- maybe you can! Don't force yourself to let go of that feeling if it is naturally there...but of course don't need to listen to me...just a small thought is all

I think survival instinct is embedded in your DNA. And down to willpower how strong it is.

Sure is. It's one our most animal instincts - like fight and/ flight . I guess it is a form of that

 

[buttercup02]

For me the factors that make me rethink my decision are:

1. What if I fail and get brain damage. I would have to deal with the stress induced by my family plus all the harm I caused myself.

2. What if your soul continues on after death and what runs through your mind remains.

3. I want to die at my best and I keep waiting for that to happen. However I just keep getting worse. As I've dealt with multiple eating disorders (currently bulimia and binge eating) I want to hang myself when i'm Thin again. Not sure why... just part of the never ending cycle

That's the same thing I do here. Procrastination is basically a bitch.

 

[neilo99]

For me the factors that make me rethink my decision are:

1. What if I fail and get brain damage. I would have to deal with the stress induced by my family plus all the harm I caused myself.

2. What if your soul continues on after death and what runs through your mind remains.

3. I want to die at my best and I keep waiting for that to happen. However I just keep getting worse. As I've dealt with multiple eating disorders (currently bulimia and binge eating) I want to hang myself when i'm Thin again. Not sure why... just part of the never ending cycle

Points 1 & 2 I'm exactly the same. I am also torn between the happiness of me and the happiness of others

 

[GreenDagny]

Meltingheart it makes me sad you have had such bad experiences. Was SN one of them? (sorry if this sounds selfish but I am wondering to get an understanding for myself). N is the holy grail isn't it, so difficult to get as well.

Thanks for the advice. I think I might do one of those give literally everything I can last chance even if it seems impossible types of states of mind and then decide.

 

[MeltingHeart]

For me the factors that make me rethink my decision are:

1. What if I fail and get brain damage. I would have to deal with the stress induced by my family plus all the harm I caused myself.

2. What if your soul continues on after death and what runs through your mind remains.

3. I want to die at my best and I keep waiting for that to happen. However I just keep getting worse. As I've dealt with multiple eating disorders (currently bulimia and binge eating) I want to hang myself when i'm Thin again. Not sure why... just part of the never ending cycle

Meltingheart it makes me sad you have had such bad experiences. Was SN one of them? (sorry if this sounds selfish but I am wondering to get an understanding for myself). N is the holy grail isn't it, so difficult to get as well.

Thanks for the advice. I think I might do one of those give literally everything I can last chance even if it seems impossible types of states of mind and then decide.

i got hold of some SN but i was foolish and it got intercepted in the mail- I posted about the whole bloody fiasco. But yes pls do, even if u have an atom of hope- good to hang on / explore all options, including ways out of life If (and only if) and when that feels like the only way. In the mean time - you've got here for chats - I still find it surreal I am on here (with no disrespect to it) just that it wasn't so long ago where I was kind of enjoying life and hadn't even heard of such sites ! Am glad it is here now though. Good for discussion and all that

 

[LonelyLight]

Probably an even mix of both instinct and fear of the unknown and consequences of failing

 

[SinisterKid]

What really fries your brain is, if you knew nothing of SI would you then be able to CTB more easily? Being totally honest with you, 3 yrs ago I did not know anything about suicide or SI. I followed the instructions from the PPH that I found online and was so nearly successful. Now, knowing what I know about suicide and SI, I have doubts and switch constantly from wanting to live to wanting to die to wanting to live again. Which I guess is a change from 3 yrs ago.

So for me, its a combination of all three. I was the eternal optimist. I have no idea really where it all went so wrong, except, I got ill and the rest followed.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Probably an even mix of both instinct and fear of the unknown and consequences of failing

the instinct and fear is overwhelming strong-its the strongest emotion ive ever had (does fear count as an emotion?) aside from having a broken heart & soul. ergh yeah fear of failure too-everytime I see a news story of some tragic attempt gone wrong it makes me so scared

 

[Sunset Limited]

It might sound strange, but I'd make it a lot easier if someone was with me. I live in Turkey. I wrote about partner, but I couldn't find one. One night I tried partial suspension. The room was very quiet. Loneliness scares more than death.

 

[TowerUpright]

My biggest fear is being discovered before I'm actually dead, and the runner up is SI. My last attempt SI kicked in with the heart palpitations, and I called EMS. I was expecting the palps, too.

Least I know my smart phone shows my exact address when I dial 911. :(

 

[GreenDagny]

I want to thank everyone for sharing their experiences!

 

[MeltingHeart]

What really fries your brain is, if you knew nothing of SI would you then be able to CTB more easily? Being totally honest with you, 3 yrs ago I did not know anything about suicide or SI. I followed the instructions from the PPH that I found online and was so nearly successful. Now, knowing what I know about suicide and SI, I have doubts and switch constantly from wanting to live to wanting to die to wanting to live again. Which I guess is a change from 3 yrs ago.

So for me, its a combination of all three. I was the eternal optimist. I have no idea really where it all went so wrong, except, I got ill and the rest followed.

but i dont know if you even need to really know of the concept of SI or have heard of the term as such, for it to still impinge on your efforts-like even if you had never heard of it-it would still be there-its innate-its an inbuilt human mechanism almost, its virtually like a reflex

 

[TowerUpright]

In

What really fries your brain is, if you knew nothing of SI would you then be able to CTB more easily? Being totally honest with you, 3 yrs ago I did not know anything about suicide or SI. I followed the instructions from the PPH that I found online and was so nearly successful. Now, knowing what I know about suicide and SI, I have doubts and switch constantly from wanting to live to wanting to die to wanting to live again. Which I guess is a change from 3 yrs ago.

So for me, its a combination of all three. I was the eternal optimist. I have no idea really where it all went so wrong, except, I got ill and the rest followed.

I didn't know about SI, with my last attempt. Learned about it on this forum. Yet I know SI was why I called 911.

 

[Dreamwithinadream]

I'm ready to go but SI and fear are stopping me.

 

[MeltingHeart]

In

I didn't know about SI, with my last attempt. Learned about it on this forum. Yet I know SI was why I called 911.

yeah it prob was.

I'm ready to go but SI and fear are stopping me.

 

[SinisterKid]

I had no reflex or any other emotion for wanting to survive. I wanted to die, more than anything else. The overriding drive from the moment I woke up that day was to ensure my life would end. No hope, no fear, no SI, just prepare and execute.

Now we could all debate all day long about what was going on subconsciously. Maybe there was some SI going on I was not aware of. Maybe I was fearful of dying. But that is all we can do, debate and discuss, because we shall never really know, I will never really know and sometimes, that causes way too many doubts. Thats why I probably come down slightly more in favour of it being a combination of things rather than just one or the other.

 

[LonelyLight]

the instinct and fear is overwhelming strong-its the strongest emotion ive ever had (does fear count as an emotion?) aside from having a broken heart & soul. ergh yeah fear of failure too-everytime I see a news story of some tragic attempt gone wrong it makes me so scared

Me too, and then I see story's and the method seems so simple, I wonder why am I complicating things?!
Also, I don't know if you've ever watched videos of people committing suicide, especially hanging, how the hell they set the camera, walk over to the rope and go in the matter of 20 seconds!!
I stand there hyming and hawwing for eternity.!!

 

[Castles]

I believe its just meantal SI. I only have feelings of hope and fear when I'm in or close to the act of CTB. I feel like the worse feeling is the regret and cowardice of not going through once it kicks in honestly.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Me too, and then I see story's and the method seems so simple, I wonder why am I complicating things?!
Also, I don't know if you've ever watched videos of people committing suicide, especially hanging, how the hell they set the camera, walk over to the rope and go in the matter of 20 seconds!!
I stand there hyming and hawwing for eternity.!!

Same. I have actually seen quite a few videos! yeah some seem so damn casual-like they are just making a tea or something-they just get on with it, like they are barely even fighting anything (SI or such like)- god hyming and hawwing, let me tell you- i can relate to that. I have spent hours upon hours- many days in fact trying and many repeated attempts-different locations, different fabrics, different positionings,walking around in circles, listening to one 'last'song, chain smoking-telling myself- this one will be my last cigarette! ha if it wasnt so sad its verging on the comedic- tragicomedy maybe.

 

[Gorgon]

We wont let us. We have dissociative identity disorder and every time an alter has tried they either cant or one of us stops them. Violet our persecutor wants us to die because she hates everything we are so she will let us try she will give us a knife and say "go for it! Relief is on the other side if your not to pussy." But we always are and that is our punishment, having to live. One day we will be good enough to do it and our punishment will end but for now we still haven't leared our lesson.

 

[Castles]

Same. I have actually seen quite a few videos! yeah some seem so damn casual-like they are just making a tea or something-they just get on with it, like they are barely even fighting anything (SI or such like)- god hyming and hawwing, let me tell you- i can relate to that. I have spent hours upon hours- many days in fact trying and many repeated attempts-different locations, different fabrics, different positionings,walking around in circles, listening to one 'last'song, chain smoking-telling myself- this one will be my last cigarette! ha if it wasnt so sad its verging on the comedic- tragicomedy maybe.

LOL the post itself is honestly not funny at all but the last smoke part was like reading something I wrote myself

 

[Sunset Limited]

Me too, and then I see story's and the method seems so simple, I wonder why am I complicating things?!
Also, I don't know if you've ever watched videos of people committing suicide, especially hanging, how the hell they set the camera, walk over to the rope and go in the matter of 20 seconds!!
I stand there hyming and hawwing for eternity.!!

It scares me a lot of encouragement. Still watching, just to understand the method. Watching the hanged really sucks. Desperate struggle.

 

[LonelyLight]

Yes! Its like they don't experience the SI, they do what they have set out to do and are done with it. I wish I was that type but I'm the very same as you described yourself!!
Whoops its 7.01 better wait until 8.00 so it's on the hour
And look, if we didn't laugh we would cry, that's my way of thinking about the failings of myself anyways