Summation of what we feel

[ImpendingExit45]

As I've dealt with suicidal ideation and come to grips with my decision, I've been very interested in the suicidal mind. For those that I've opened up to about my thoughts previously, I've always struggled to accurately convey what it is like. For me, it is very important to give those who know me a better understanding of the suicidal mind. I think it's very important to convey that suicide is not simply a reaction to circumstances.

In my searches to find adequate summaries of the suicidal mind I came across an excellent article. I would bet this article hits home for quite a few of us here, so I figured I would share it.

Being Suicidal: What It Feels Like to Want to Kill Yourself

blogs.scientificamerican.com

 

[Weems]

Too lazy to read article right now but I've noticed some things since being "in the funnel," as I like to call it.

1. You're truly lonely for the first time. You understand that suicide isn't ending the world; it's you leaving everyone else. This leads to

2. A decrease in narcissism/megalomania. Most see suicides as self-absorbed, and I think that's largely accurate, until you get right up to it and see what you're doing. I'd always had a delusional belief in my own superiority over others. Now that I've recognized my life as a total failure, I think, "Wait, what do I supposedly have on these people again?"

3. Your experiences are not part of a larger story anymore. Today's pain is not on the path to a happy ending.

4. Less sleep, stomach in knots all day, alogia (poverty of speech). Lack of volition.

5. An uptick in wish fulfillment dreams, especially about regrets. Your old job takes you back, it worked out with that girl, you didn't lose your mind in college...

 

[ImpendingExit45]

Too lazy to read article right now but I've noticed some things since being "in the funnel," as I like to call it.

1. You're truly lonely for the first time. You understand that suicide isn't ending the world; it's you leaving everyone else. This leads to

2. A decrease in narcissism/megalomania. Most see suicides as self-absorbed, and I think that's largely accurate, until you get right up to it and see what you're doing. I'd always had a delusional belief in my own superiority over others. Now that I've recognized my life as a total failure, I think, "Wait, what do I supposedly have on these people again?"

3. Your experiences are not part of a larger story anymore. Today's pain is not on the path to a happy ending.

4. Less sleep, stomach in knots all day, alogia (poverty of speech). Lack of volition.

5. An uptick in wish fulfillment dreams, especially about regrets. Your old job takes you back, it worked out with that girl, you didn't lose your mind in college...

I agree on those points, many of which fit in to the points in the article. I think 3, 4, and 5 are a large of why so many find peace in this site. Planning our suicide is the one area where we don't have to be concerned about the past or the future - as you said, we are removing ourselves from any "larger story". Focusing on our escape is, in itself, an escape.

 

[Weems]

I agree on those points, many of which fit in to the points in the article. I think 3, 4, and 5 are a large of why so many find peace in this site. Planning our suicide is the one area where we don't have to be concerned about the past or the future - as you said, we are removing ourselves from any "larger story". Focusing on our escape is, in itself, an escape.

That is an excellent article...guy understands suicide. Thanks for sharing.

Right on the money when it talked about self-awareness and not measuring up to standards. Also "cognitive deconstruction." I have stopped planning for the future and try to slack off literally every second I can. Just a few more seconds in bed in the morning, or on this site in the evening, is a sweet relief. The goal-seeking behavior of normal people is gone.

My dad, who knows I'm suicidal, has offered me a great place to stay and bought me a plane ticket. But I can't bring myself to tell my landlord and boss I'm leaving or get rid of any of my shit. How about some more junk food...