Hello everyone,
I am new to this forum. I just want to tell someone who will understand and do not judge me about my thoughts.
First - pardon my english, I am not native speaker and do not want to use translator for this kind of content.
I am suicidal from my 18th b-day, I guess. Was the moment I realized the life is pain and it will never change. Happy moments were rare, most of the days were bad or desperate.
At the age 22, I decided that I will end it some day. Like I wasn't ready at the moment, but prepared the plan and was waiting for the point in life when I'll be sure it will be really fully conscious, knowing decision. The feeling of emptiness and despair goes with me half of my life (I'm 36).
The time is now, I guess. You see, I have quite good career, loving wife, good friends, plans for the future... But still I feel I don't want to live anymore. Every day I suffer in mental pain so intense, I can barely hide it for 8 hours of work. After that I do meaningless stuff lke watching videos on YT or collapse in bed and sleep for 14 hours straight.
I am visiting psychiatrist regulary, going to therapy, taking meds... all of this for last two years. It doesn't help at all. Brief moments of "normal" days are very rare.
I do not see a point of existence. Just why? I have chronical neurological diseas from my 16, depression and anxiety. Feel trapped in the world I wasn't meant for. I think it's because that neuro diseas prevents me from things I would like to do (I wanted to serve in military, being a pilot or a rescue worker or at least policeman).
I am trapped in life I never wanted to live. I tried to do some changes, try new things and so, but it fell into rutine in weeks.
Month ago the it was undearable. I desperately wanted to get rid of pain. So I bought 20 grams of Colombian magic powder. I know it's not a solution and I advise DO NOT DO THAT! For me it was escape route from pain. It worked. I am used to lows day after, I am recreational user for ten years - like once in three months or so. But when I stopped now, the pain returns. So I countiuned for few days and tried to stop again for a week. Deep low - better - lower - unberable pain. It's still there. Over and over. So I stopped using "magic" and start thinking.
To the point - I decided it's time. For 14 years I live in mode of surviving. My plans go at max to the next year, last 14 years, because I do not know if I'll be here longer.
I overlooked my life, my present and found 85% of sorrow and 15% of neutral or joyful memories. And the joy mostly came from shallow things like sexual relationships, parties and so.
Here is what you are probably waiting for. On Thursday, I will buy a gun. Since I know quite a lot about guns and what projectile does to human tissues, I do not fear the acidental surviving. I will take all of my money and send it to my wife account. I already tried to write SN few times last weeks, so I'll prepare one for my wife and one for my friends. After that I'll travell to some location where people do not usually go, I didn't decieded yet, I have three tips. Send few messages to my on-line friends to let them know and after that, I'll use app for contacting the emergency medical service. The app will automatically send GPS coordinates. Inform the worker on phone what is about to happen and to check the coordinates to find my body. Phone to factory settings.
After that, I'll pull the trigger and this is it.
My only fear is that I will change my mind when I get to the desired place with everything ready. I hope not. Because nothing would change. The sorrow will be here forever. I just want it to stop.
I am new to this forum. I just want to tell someone who will understand and do not judge me about my thoughts.
First - pardon my english, I am not native speaker and do not want to use translator for this kind of content.
I am suicidal from my 18th b-day, I guess. Was the moment I realized the life is pain and it will never change. Happy moments were rare, most of the days were bad or desperate.
At the age 22, I decided that I will end it some day. Like I wasn't ready at the moment, but prepared the plan and was waiting for the point in life when I'll be sure it will be really fully conscious, knowing decision. The feeling of emptiness and despair goes with me half of my life (I'm 36).
The time is now, I guess. You see, I have quite good career, loving wife, good friends, plans for the future... But still I feel I don't want to live anymore. Every day I suffer in mental pain so intense, I can barely hide it for 8 hours of work. After that I do meaningless stuff lke watching videos on YT or collapse in bed and sleep for 14 hours straight.
I am visiting psychiatrist regulary, going to therapy, taking meds... all of this for last two years. It doesn't help at all. Brief moments of "normal" days are very rare.
I do not see a point of existence. Just why? I have chronical neurological diseas from my 16, depression and anxiety. Feel trapped in the world I wasn't meant for. I think it's because that neuro diseas prevents me from things I would like to do (I wanted to serve in military, being a pilot or a rescue worker or at least policeman).
I am trapped in life I never wanted to live. I tried to do some changes, try new things and so, but it fell into rutine in weeks.
Month ago the it was undearable. I desperately wanted to get rid of pain. So I bought 20 grams of Colombian magic powder. I know it's not a solution and I advise DO NOT DO THAT! For me it was escape route from pain. It worked. I am used to lows day after, I am recreational user for ten years - like once in three months or so. But when I stopped now, the pain returns. So I countiuned for few days and tried to stop again for a week. Deep low - better - lower - unberable pain. It's still there. Over and over. So I stopped using "magic" and start thinking.
To the point - I decided it's time. For 14 years I live in mode of surviving. My plans go at max to the next year, last 14 years, because I do not know if I'll be here longer.
I overlooked my life, my present and found 85% of sorrow and 15% of neutral or joyful memories. And the joy mostly came from shallow things like sexual relationships, parties and so.
Here is what you are probably waiting for. On Thursday, I will buy a gun. Since I know quite a lot about guns and what projectile does to human tissues, I do not fear the acidental surviving. I will take all of my money and send it to my wife account. I already tried to write SN few times last weeks, so I'll prepare one for my wife and one for my friends. After that I'll travell to some location where people do not usually go, I didn't decieded yet, I have three tips. Send few messages to my on-line friends to let them know and after that, I'll use app for contacting the emergency medical service. The app will automatically send GPS coordinates. Inform the worker on phone what is about to happen and to check the coordinates to find my body. Phone to factory settings.
After that, I'll pull the trigger and this is it.
My only fear is that I will change my mind when I get to the desired place with everything ready. I hope not. Because nothing would change. The sorrow will be here forever. I just want it to stop.
