Suicide thoughts heavily gnaw on my conscience

[Epikur]

Suicide thoughts have accompanied me for decades now. Had good times in my life but as soon as my suicide plans start to get more concrete I feel guilt and shame. I have no religious belief and was raised in quite a liberal family. But I do not want to harm anybody. Feels like a betrayal if i would cbt. At least a very selfish act. But I have no will to live any further. Just want to rest. Without that moral fight I would have cbt years ago.

Are we egoistic if we cbt and don´t care about others?

 

[puella]

There is no shame in feeling suicidal. It is natural the people who love you will hurt if you CTB, but your feelings are also valid and important.

But do you think you'll be able to have more good/better times? If there's anything at all I can do to help you, please let me know. You deserve to feel happiness.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's not selfish to CTB bc of your personal reasons. Yes sure family/friends/loved ones will feel grief about the loss but their suffering is temporary while yours might last until you die naturally. I know it's not that easy but actually it is your own decision when you want to leave this world and not someone else decision.

I hope you find peace.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I think it all depends on how far gone you are.
For some of us, the fear of living is greater than the fear of death.
Existence itself becomes truly unbearable.
Also, there comes a time when you realise that living for others is just delaying the inevitable, and is an act of cruelty towards yourself.
Its also cruel how the people who are supposed to love us want us to keep on suffering.
I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Epikur]

But do you think you'll be able to have more good/better times? If there's anything at all I can do to help you, please let me know. You deserve to feel happiness.

my point is, there is no "good" reason for me to cbt . okay, some seasonal depression, but no hard reason that would justify cbt for most people. Which would shock them even more for it looks inane. I am just tired. I am 56 and think that this is the best time to leave. I´ve had everything. I do not expect anything better but rather things to worsen (health, society, world).

Thank you anyway

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think most people do worry about the affect it might have on those left behind. Honestly, I feel a bit puzzled by people who don't- but- maybe it's because those same people have been the cause of their unhappiness. It maybe depends on how much that person experiences grief and loss themselves. If it doesn't affect them all that much, they may not worry so much about people left behind.

Not sure whether it's egotistic- we are just about to obliterate our egos from the face of the earth! In some ways, it seems more egotistic to believe your death will utterly devatate people's lives. Not to say it won't- it might of course. I once read a post by someone saying their death would be bigger news than the death of the Queen (of England.) Who knows? Maybe they were some big celebrity but- that's quite a big statement to make!

I'd agree that suicide is self absorbed and selfish to some extent. We certainly are putting our own needs first. Still- I'd argue- take a look at this world. We have been encouraged to be this self absorbed to begin with! Plus- take a look at who really gave a shit about them when they were alive. Most people are so wrapped up in their own lives.

We all have to make our own choice at the end of the day. One thing I feel condident about is- any person who has the guts to go through with CTB does it because they simply couldn't cope anymore. They deserve sympathy, not hostility. Chances are, they hated the idea that their suicide would cause pain to others but they simply couldn't cope with their own pain anymore.

 

[Epikur]

We have been encouraged to be this self absorbed to begin with!

I think this is at the very centre of my moral struggle holding me back from cbt so far. I was ALWAYS told as a child don´t be so selfish. I constantly felt guilt and embarassement even for others. I learned not to attract any attention. I actually hate It when people look at me (as a teenager i developed a social anxiety disorder which is no longer that serious but certain residuals are left). CBT would attract maximum attention. I think the biggest fear of mine is to fail and survive and people start asking questions about me WHICH I HATE. I do never want to be in the position to justify myself for a failed suicide. I think if that occurs I would run on the rails although I do prefer a peaceful and clean death.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me what is selfish is so cruelly and unnecessarily forcing life into this existence and denying that individual a right to cease existing in peace. Nobody is obligated to continue suffering until they die anyway.